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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually what she did was not ok

323 replies

TryNOTTOworry1 · 17/05/2016 09:41

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 17/05/2016 10:13

Well, you said:

You could tell she wanted to ground to swallow her up but it was not a nice word.

So she obviously realises it was wrong.

But 'spastic' used to be a common word in the playground when I was young so maybe it just slipped out and she didn't think. Who knows. The best thing wold have been to deal with it at the time. Seems a bit crap to bring it up now.

Original poster
TryNOTTOworry1 · 17/05/2016 10:14

Nyanja she does have a dark sense of humour

I'll see if I can talk to her later, she's a lovely person but the work just shocked me.

OP posts:
Nyama · 17/05/2016 10:14

I called my dog a spaz yesterday

fgs its just a word and it wasn't as though she was using it to describe someone else's child

This has made me so angry, I know what its like to be socially isolated and struggle. I actually can't believe it is just the use of this word, you sound like a group of bitchy women looking for an excuse to isolate her.

TwoLittleBlooms · 17/05/2016 10:14

You sound like a horrible person OP with your behaviour. Yes the word is offensive, and as a grown up you should have dealt with it in a grown up manner, not in a bitchy or childish way. Make the effort, speak to her and explain to her you found the word she used offensive - she will likely be mortified that she used it. Stop behaving like a playground bully and ostracizing another mum who is coming to the group for support.

CopperPot · 17/05/2016 10:15

Poor woman.

Clandestino · 17/05/2016 10:16

So she used a wrong word once and then you ganged up on her and are now ostracizing her. You must be extremely proud of yourselves, to be all cliquey and exclusive. Like bitchy girls at school.

Germgirl · 17/05/2016 10:17

If she was brought up abroad does that include the US? The word is used there far more, it's not seen as a 'bad' word there, I even had a set of scrapbooking stickers 'featuring' that word once, didn't use them.
You're being horribly mean to her, have you neve ever said the wrong thing and embarrassed yourself? Not even once?

ricketytickety · 17/05/2016 10:17

Next time you see her start by saying you haven't seen her at the group for a while. She'll be glad to break the ice and you'll feel better for it. She didn't mean to say it...let her redeem herself.

ManonLescaut · 17/05/2016 10:18

So there are mean girls even in SN groups? Who'd have thought?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 17/05/2016 10:18

Only on MN can we see frothing people reporting threads and asking for them to deleted because 'moron' is used

Yes and then the post with 'moron' in is deleted. And so long as the poster isn't a deliberate gf, the poster isn't then cast out from Mumsnet, never to access the advice and support from the site ever again - that would be an over-reaction.

TealLove · 17/05/2016 10:19

Good for you OP that you are getting in touch with her again. It's a good thing to do and she will be feeling bad about it I'm sure.
Do get in touch with her.

SpringerS · 17/05/2016 10:20

I'm sorry I don't want to join a flaming but what your group is doing is out and out bullying of a woman who was opening up about a situation she finds difficult and accidentally used an offensive term and was immediately mortified. It's completely disgusting behaviour and you should all be ashamed.

I'm not saying that to make you feel bad but so you recognise that your behaviour is really, really poor and take steps to correct it.

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2016 10:20

I'll see if I can talk to her later, she's a lovely person but the work just shocked me.

Yeah don't do her any favours though.

I hope she finds another group, with less fair weather passive aggressive members.

PurpleDaisies · 17/05/2016 10:20

I'll see if I can talk to her later, she's a lovely person but the word just shocked me.
So she's lovely but you're happy to cut her off without even explaining why the word is offensive or what she's done wrong? It just seems so playground to me.

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2016 10:20

It's just a horrible word, she said it in a special needs group. What would I say to her to let her know I found it hurtful?

Try using those words.

My brother had spina bifida. It is a horrible, horrible word but honestly, treating someone this way over a word when you said she immediately looked mortified?

That said, Nyama, I think 'spaz' is even worse than 'spastic'. It was used as a really nasty insult for so long. Don't worry about the people it's degrading, though, right? It's just a word.

Are there any words you do consider offensive?

ricketytickety · 17/05/2016 10:21

I can see why the word may have upset you though but in this case it wasn't meant to hurt anyone and sort of blurted out.

sparechange · 17/05/2016 10:21

Nyama
What a deeply strange attitude. I assume your dog was doing something undesirable at the time. Would you call your dog a 'nigger'? After all, it is 'just a word'.

I'm pretty shocked and disgusted at the ignorance from so many posters here excusing away what the other mother did! Just because she has a child with SEN doesn't mean she gets a free pass on common decency, and doesn't mean her words are any less hurtful and vile.

araiba · 17/05/2016 10:21

a mother with a kid with special needs probably already feels socially alone and life difficult and and reaches out to a support group for much needed support and she gets treated like that by a group acting like schoolyard bullies.

jesus fucking christ, you bunch of appalling twats

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2016 10:21

Yes and then the post with 'moron' in is deleted. And so long as the poster isn't a deliberate gf, the poster isn't then cast out from Mumsnet, never to access the advice and support from the site ever again - that would be an over-reaction

Nail on the head there Kondos

Alisvolatpropiis · 17/05/2016 10:22

Carry on as you are, hopefully she'll find another group frequented by women aren't pearl clutching playground bullies.

Yes it's a horrible word, does she deserve to be ostracised? No.

Grow up.

PurpleDaisies · 17/05/2016 10:23

I'm pretty shocked and disgusted at the ignorance from so many posters here excusing away what the other mother did!
To be fair, most people aren't defending the use of the word. We think it's rubbish to just ignore her without telling her why.

Lynnm63 · 17/05/2016 10:23

I have a child with SN. There is no support group near me but if there was and I was excluded and ostracised for a one off use of a word you find offensive even if it is would make me want to weep.
You all, in your group, know how shit life can be dealing with SN and how hard it can be to paint a smile on and attend a group with a readymade clique. None of you had the balls to say quietly that this was unacceptable but you've just bullied her away. Hope you all feel so proud of yourselves on your PC cloud.

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2016 10:24

sparechange and you seem to be excusing away the silent bullying of an apparently otherwise lovely woman, who as soon as she said the word, wanted the ground to open up and swallow her.

Heebiejeebie · 17/05/2016 10:24

It's a word, not an evil spell. You might benefit from focussing on the intention rather than the word itself. If you can't get past it,please do her a favour and tell her that you are so horrified you can't ever look at her again, so that she'll know she dodged a bullet.

Nyama · 17/05/2016 10:24

no I wouldn't call him a nigger, he's a jack russell

I called him a spaz for chasing a squirrel, running into a tree and cutting his head open

Yes its not the most edifying of words but it doesn't make me a terrible person worthy of ostracising - if you feel that it does then it is bloody lucky I don't need you as a friend and have plenty of my own.