To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

What you are doing to her is unfair

Poor woman. Have you never made a faux pas or said the wrong thing? You sound like a bunch of nasty bullies, which is a lot worse than using the wrong word!

She may have been using the word correctly... Spastic means stiffness or alteration in the muscle tone of limbs.

Maybe her son does become stiff limbed during meltdowns?

Yes it's a deeply unpleasant term, but you and the other Mothers sound like a bunch of playground bullies.

How long are you going to keep it up?

But at least the OP and her friends have demonstrated how virtuous they are.

What a nasty bunch you belong to! I think you've done her a favour if you can behave like that to someone.
If I got cut down everytime something stupid slipped out of my mouth then I wouldn't have any friends!
Have a word with yourself

No she used the word once and I say we, it's mostly me who is doing the wide birth tbf, she hasn't had a chance to see others I guess. No one has spoken about it, it's been a bit of a weird sitatuion.

Does this person have any SN herself?

I agree, I think you're being a lot OTT to exclude the poor woman.

Unless she's routinely derogatory or rude about SN, it's likely just a slip of the tongue. We all do it.

You could play innocent and ask her if she did actually mean "spastic", as in it is a medical term for alteration in muscle tone or relating to muscle spasms. Because if not she should avoid using it as it has been used negatively to insult those with CP and similar.

Then forget it and get back to normal.

Yeah its an innapropriate word and people will find it offensive not as offensive as your behaviour and that of the other mothers who are acting in an childish and made way however

Berth*

It's just a horrible word, she said it in a special needs group. What would I say to her to let her know I found it hurtful?

She's really paying for it now isn't she?

It's a horrible word and of course she was wrong to use it. But it's no more horrible than closing ranks and squeezing someone out from a group which presumably is there to give mutual support.

Instead of climbing on your group highhorse and casting her out can't one of you be a grown up and speak to her?

Wow, you all sound ridiculously bitchy.

Your group sounds horrible. Did you all leap at the chance to be offended on purpose. Ffs

I can understand this was particularly insensitive in this context op but words do take on different meanings with usage over time . People say 'spaz out' meaning flip out etc I'd just gloss over it and carry on if it happens again say something .

Tourettes for example?

She used an inappropriate word, in all probability because she has grown up surrounded by people who did not know or did not realise how inappropriate it was.

You otoh are carrying out a deliberate and prolonged exclusion campaign- did you grow up surrounded by people who thought bullying was ok?

This is probably something that she never intended to say in public, but maybe she and her DH speak like that at home, in jest. Perhaps, as they are in the situation, they feel free to reclaim the word, with the intention of making a joke. Kind of like how gays have reclaimed queer, or some people of African descent have reclaimed the 'n' word.

Also, I've heard that word used in movies (for example, that Gerard Butler one where he's a womanising TV presenter). I'm not saying it's ok - I don't like the word - but it is just a word, after all. You could just ask her not to use it around you.

Also, my mums generation used that word, quite correctly. My mums friend was the president of the 'xxxx Spastics Association' in the 80s. It is outdated now, but perhaps it's the word she's been brought up with and hasn't yet learned that it's not ok.

You're being a dick. She wasn't calling her child that, she was describing his behaviour. Not that that makes the use of the word ok, but your reaction is way way way OTT. Say something if it bothers you that much, she clearly noticed it got a frosty reception anyway. Isn't this a support group? You sound like the mean girls.

Are you going to acknowledge that everyone this YOU are in the wrong?

What she said was awful. What you are doing is unkind.

Surely, if you are a good person, you could say hello next time you see her and tell her you've felt uncomfortable with her ever since she said the word as it is so offensive. She'll either say she wasn't aware it was offensive, apologise or tell you to get a grip. Either of the first to merit giving her a warm smile and a second chance. The third would give you justification to continue avoiding her.

I guess I'm bu then. I'm not a mean person but it was a horrible offensive word.

Has she lives in the US by any chance? IME the word is used more frequently there than here.

You are wrong to avoid her for one ill advised term. Why not take her aside and explain you found it offensive?