To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

is this a reverse
are you the one that said it and feel embarrassed to go back to the group

Do you really think what she said was worse than the way you are all excluding her now?

you all sound delightful. NOT

You could tell she wanted to ground to swallow her up but it was not a nice word

Poor woman. She makes one mistake, looks mortified and then gets cold shouldered by a SUPPORT GROUP. I think you should change your name. She didn't find any support there.

I don't think it's the word as such LaCerbiatta I think it's like a lot of words that used to be used to describe disabilities are used as insults ,so people throw terms around like retard ,spaz etc and they became insults and therefore offensive.

UABU
Cut her some slack, it's not like she using that word all the time, and she will need support, not being treated like a leper! Opps, who will offend with that word, I wonder? !

Do this nice woman a favour and just stay away from her. This whole incident says more about you than her. She would do well to find herself a better group of non judgemental people who won't ostracised her for making 1 small slip up. Bloody hell, if other parents who have children with SN can't show her some compassion then what bloody hope does she have. I feel very sorry for her. She obviously realised she slipped up but you continue to make her feel like shit. I hope it makes you and your horror feel better.

Even Ian Drury used that word in a song, to reclaim it ! I understand you were all shocked, but as another poster said maybe she has gallows humour to cope.

I find this word offensive. I would feel offended this wird was used during a support group meeting. I would feel this word was used regularly by her. I would definitely have asked her not to use that word in front of me again and given her another chance . During a support group meeting this would feel odd she said it.

I have 2 ASD kids, and quite frankly, there's enough flipping ostracization as it is without having other SEN parents judge you for using a word - and it's likely to be more out of poor education than anything else. She likely has no idea why you're all being so off-hand with her, and yes, yabu.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us or She's not come back since that day - I don't get it, has she been back and been given a wide berth by everyone, or has she never come back since that one-off use of the word?

YANBU to dislike the word, but if you've all made her feel so uncomfortable that she can no longer access an important source of support, without even telling her why, or giving her the chance to apologise, then YABVVU.

I have a good deal of sympathy for the woman. This is something I could see myself doing, to be honest.

I don't like the word spastic, and I absolutely hate it when applied to people with disabilities, but "go spastic" is a phrase I grew up constantly hearing in my teens and early 20s in Ireland as a synonym for "flip out" or "have a meltdown". I don't have any recollection of ever saying it myself, but it was in such common usage around me in my formative years that I have normalised it to an extent and if I were shown examples of myself saying it (through time travel obviously!) I wouldn't be surprised. It could definitely slip out if I was nervous or distracted, because somewhere in my subconscious it's been cemented as just another expression that means nothing, and it's my conscious adult mind that is aware of the connotations and has adjusted to using another phrase and making that my default habit.

"Go mental" is another one I definitely did use in the same vein, and that's had to go the same way. I have to take care to not say that, because my default for so long. I can easily see me blurting that out in a new group if I wasn't paying attention, was nervous and distracted.

I know you are shocked and horrified, OP, but please do find it in yourself to give her a break. This world is harsh enough and a little kindness goes a long way.

People also use words without having any idea what they really mean I have heard people being described as psychotic with rage,etc and people using the term" Schiz out" when they mean getting angry I, m an RMN so when I have heard or read theses terms I do think but it just means more education is needed .

As someone who has CP and therefore IS a Spastic in medical terms I would hate this if I'd been sitting in baby group with my child and someone had done this.

It is in fact worse that she is the mother of an SN child.

She should have been challenged, and corrected and asked not to use it again, so just blanking her is not addressing this issue and is immature.

HOWEVER

Nor would I want her to come around to my house for coffee in the circumstances so I can see both sides.

Its use really does betray a total ignorance of disablism and the social model of disability.

I am surprised by the amount of YABU - but then I often find mumsnet quite unwittingly none disabled friendly.

Not so much a support group more like a playground cleek!

Jeeze the poor woman made one misteak, move on. Are you all so perfect?

Yes hungry Preggo - "go spastic" was very common use in Ireland at one point and I had to ask a relative (albeit not a well educated one) not to use the term

I'm wondering how OP is going to ''talk to her later today'' if the woman hasn't been back to the group :(

Maybe OP sees her out and about in other situations. I hope so. I feel for the woman.

What's a "wide birth"?

Can we please just for a minute replace the word "Spastic" with a racial slur or a homophobic term. I'm thinking of the two most famously offensive, would people be as laid back about it then or would they be disinclined to want to be around someone who would use those words? Or have their child hear them and "pick them up?"

EverySongbird I remember being unpleasantly surprised when I learned that it was actually an insult aimed at people with disabilities. It had genuinely not occurred to me, as it was SO common that I had only ever heard it in the context of a synonym for uncontrollable rage.

(Don't get me wrong, the disablist insult certainly existed, but it was "spa" rather than "spastic" - as in "You're such a spa!" - and I never linked the two as a youth.)

No one is being laid back about it though. Everyone has agreed that the proper thing to do would be to talk to her about it there and then. It being a support group and all.

This wasn't over heard on the bus or something. The group could be a lifeline for the woman. Better to warn her about using the word again than making her a social pariah FFG.

It was certainly thoughtless but it's a common term here in Australia and if someone said it, they would generally not be casting aspersions on people who really are spastic.