Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually what she did was not ok

323 replies

TryNOTTOworry1 · 17/05/2016 09:41

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2016 18:34

I'm just waiting for the day that the word 'twat' becomes descriptor-non-grata, because MN will just implode.

I think you realise how awful you've been to this woman OP. You didn't pull her up on it or do anything useful, you've just excluded her. I wonder how much gossiping went on behind her back? Just horrible - not her, the group of women who are supposed to be a 'support' group. A misnomer there for sure.

I hope you will never experience the level of intolerance you've displayed to this poor woman yourself, it's awful.

sleeponeday · 18/05/2016 18:36

I think it's very upsetting that she used the word that way. Somehow it feels worse coming from a parent whose own child has a disability.

I also think it's very upsetting that this parent is now frozen out from a good source of support for herself... and her child.

ProudAS · 18/05/2016 18:40

I think she was using the word in its medical sense. I have autism and often used to go rigid when a meltdown was imminent.

BTW I don't have a problem with the term autistic either. It's a part of my identity.

Bluebolt · 18/05/2016 18:41

The sad thing some of the children within this support group will grow up to make social faux pas and if they pass as NT will be treated in the same way.

Everylittlething87 · 18/05/2016 18:43

If you could tell she wanted the ground to swallow her up from embarrassment why would you make her feel even more ashamed? Are you all school age? This is awful. It is a derogatory word of course but she obviously instantly regretted it and you have all been sheep and excluded her for one mistake when she probably goes to that group because she needs support. How would you feel in that situation? Taking away the 'but I wouldn't ever have said that' seriously, put yourself in her shoes. No wonder why she doesn't want to go back. The problem is what words to use are changed so frequently now if everyone did as you parents have there would be even more unneeded aggression in the world. You shouldn't just explained (even though it was quite clearly a slip of the tongue) and left it there. I also think people use the word spastic without knowing the proper meaning. I'd reach out if I were you, I mean you say she jokes a lot too and that's probably a coping mechanism it's just this time she didn't think before she spoke.

Beeziekn33ze · 18/05/2016 18:58

Who runs or convenes the group? You could get someone to send her a text or email saying 'We are hoping you'll join us again soon, do keep in touch.' I think you know how totally U you've been.

user7755 · 18/05/2016 19:00

I think you are quite a mean person to be frank. She used a politically incorrect word in the context of a conversation about something difficult and you have given her a wide berth rather than ask her not to say that again?

You need to apologise

Herschellmum · 18/05/2016 19:02

Was what she said right? No, not at all, it was very poorly judged.

However.

I am shocked and appalled a the treatment you and your friends are inflicting on her, being a special needs parent is so so hard, it's a mine field of so much information as well as so isolating from the real world. I am a special needs mummy and I don't have any group support and I feel so so alone. If I did venture out and was treated this way because of a poorly thought out word I don't know how I would cope. It's so cruel, it's bullying, and childish and I would think as parents of special needs kids you would be far more understanding!

Please please be a friend for her, even if she has no clue why, or thinks that highly offence word is ok, please don't shun her. Tell her how offence that is, tell her to not use it, but don't ignore her.

Aspergallus · 18/05/2016 19:21

Are you some kind of special snowflake?

Honestly, you know she knew she'd said something stupid as soon as she said it, she said it only once and yet you are so shocked and offended as to give the poor woman a wide berth?

Can't you just be an adult, chalk it up to a bit of social anxiety and forget it? Second chances and all that?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/05/2016 19:34

It's incredible what people join or name change to post.

IoraRua · 18/05/2016 19:37

Wow, just wow.

I am sure that when your child grows up, maybe makes a faux pas and is excluded (as happens to many kids with special needs), you'll start to feel a bit of empathy and remorse for what you did to her.

Support group, my arse. You're as supportive as a puddle of piss.

leelu66 · 18/05/2016 19:40

This is still going on! OP is not coming back, folks, think the message has been received.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/05/2016 19:42

Yabvvvvvu and nasty, I am not surprised she has not come back. So your all perfect and never put a foot wrong then! She was obviously having a really hard time, and down most probably, you kicked her quite literally for making a mistake. You could have corrected her there and then, but you and the others have decided to be mean to her and cold shoulder her, nice! I hope she finds a nice supportive group.

Jessikita · 18/05/2016 19:46

You are all being harsh and unreasonable. When I was growing up calling each other a "Spastic" was a common insult between school children. Also calling each other a "spoon" if she is from that era it probably just slipped out (rightly or wrongly) we used to even say to the teachers you are having a spaz attack.
Even if it was wrong it is quite harsh to ostracise someone over one mistake.

impossible · 18/05/2016 19:59

I think you're being far too harsh. She probably doesn't know why you are all avoiding her and will be imaging the worst. It sounds like she needs support, not to feel everyone is against for reasons she doesn't understand. She may think the problem is her dc's behaviour. You should either ignore her mistake (as you said nothing at the time) or explain and then move on - either way don't isolate her.

flirtygirl · 18/05/2016 20:04

Spastic was used as a medical word and was commonly used in the 80s, as such yes its not nice but there are worse words and i have dd with autusm and ive used that word.

So shoot me

Now i know its offensive to some i no longer use it.

She didnt use it about anyone elses child and it maybe a throwback to her younger self having heard it in use, we had a teacher use it in middle school and yes im born and bred in the uk.

The cold shouldering is far worse as all you and the others had to say to her is that you find the word offensive. Im sure she would have stopped like i did.

EweAreHere · 18/05/2016 20:26

Wow. How mean are OP and the other parents?! Ostracising a parent of a SN child who is probably having a tough time for making a comment about her own child. Yes, the choice of word may be considered unfortunate by many, but to react this way under the circumstances is worse imo.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 18/05/2016 20:39

Here we go another thread started where people talk behind each other's backs and can't be upfront, the typical British politeness that actually isn't really polite at all, but back stabbing and judgmental. I bet she knew it was an offensive word but blurted it out by mistake as was nervous. What a bunch of bitches woman can be. Sorry but this really pisses me off.

PurpleDaisies · 18/05/2016 20:50

What a bunch of bitches woman can be. Sorry but this really pisses me off.
Well that's a swearing generalisation, especially given that the vast vast majority of posters on the thread have said that the op was being unreasonable in ignoring the woman instead of confronting her.

PirateFairy45 · 18/05/2016 21:00

I think you need to grow up.

She said a wrong word. That was all.

I was brought up around people who used that word to describe someone who looses it, maybe she has too. Every single person says something at some point they don't mean in a certain way.

Please grow up. Talk to her.

*mumbles to self

JerryFerry · 18/05/2016 21:20

Support - def. to help someone and be kind

Time to reflect on the true purpose of the group

steff13 · 18/05/2016 21:23

I'm American and I had never heard it as an insult - I'd never really heard spastic at all, but we used 'spaz' to imply fun and dancy. That's probably why I thought it had something to do with jazz.

The thing about the US (and perhaps Canada) is that people with cerebral palsy are not commonly referred to as spastic. So the word doesn't have the connotation here - I had to google it to even find out what disability it is connected with.

I looked up the "real" definition, but this one from Urban Dictionary illustrates my point:

spastic
USA: A neutral term to refer to clumsiness. Unlike its UK counterpart, this has absolutely no negative connotations.
UK: An incredibly derogatory term referring to people with cerebral palsy, in a similar way retarded is often used as an insult around the world.

I've seen people on MN use "fag," on several occasions, and I am always taken aback. Here, that is a slur for a homosexual person and I would never say it. It's not as bad as the n-word, but almost. But I know you all don't mean it the way I read it, so it's ok.

treacletoffee23 · 18/05/2016 21:28

This is so sad. Op if you are lurking, go find this woman whom you may of cut off from her only means of support. She made a mistake it must be so hard being perfect.

Hepzibar · 18/05/2016 21:29

Dear God. Someone says a word that considered offensive and a group of people back off like she might contaminate them them with un PC ness.

Just tell her FFS, she probably has no idea this is not an acceptable word, some people don't.

A new member of my team described a grandmother as being 'deaf and dumb' because that's how the person had described them selves. I just said "not d&d Jane, it's hearing impaired or just Deaf". She was perfectly happy to be informed.

usernamealreadytaken · 18/05/2016 21:58

LightDrizzle Smile you are a ray of sensible sunshine, please take over explaining how the real world works to the PCs clutching pearls brigade.

Reclaiming words is the way forward - it worked for other minorities who took the words which had started as insults against them and claimed them as their own.