To think actually what she did was not ok

[TryNOTTOworry1]

I go to a group for children with special needs, one mum is nice but at a group session she was talking about her dc (who has autism) she was saying how dc has meltdowns and she cannot do some things as dc as they will have a meltdown.

She said "I can't do X, y, z or dc will go spastic" she has never said this word again but it was like a pin had dropped in the room. I don't think she meant to say it but most of us are giving the mum a wide birth now.

She keep saying hello and trying to talk to us but I can just manage a hello and a wave. She's not come back since that day and although I feel a bit mean for not talking engaging more with her, what she said was just awful.

Aibu?

So glad there is still humanity in the world after reading the responses. oP you should really try and make this woman feel included again. Passive bullying is wrong

I agree (have agreed) that what the OP describes isn't kind... but can I just suggest that posters here remember their own opinions on this sort of behaviour, when talking to the OP?

If demonising someone for mistakes is such a dreadfully unkind thing to do, then that applies to us and the OP, too - no?

Poor woman. It was a phrase that admittedly is an awful word to use but some do use it freely and not in its true meaning. My kids came home from school calling each other spackers and I I had to sit down and explain that they were calling each other disabled and we're being disrespectful to disabledo people. They were really upset. Perhaps this woman hasn't had other explained to her and would've felt awful. However we have all been subjected in one way or another to playground bullying. She should leave the group and find a friendlier one who accepts human error and different upbringings.

I understand what you are saying Sleep but the OP opened herself up to it when she asked for people's opinions. The subject of the OP didn't, she made a mistake and got ostracised. I'm just speaking for myself here when I say I feel it's a different situation.

telling the op to grow up . or the even dafter "reclaim" the word....is so annoying.
if you have a child with CP and you and your love ones have been the target of hate crime(yep thats what the police called it) and it all started with that word. I doubt if you would consider it just a word.

also does the op not deserve to be able to go to a support group and feel comfortable.

We all say the wrong thing at times, probably slipped out because she was anxious, means nothing negative or offensive by it, it's just a word people sometimes use without thinking. Bet she won't say it again now she's realised the implications. Would imagine she's mortified and feels she can't ever come back to the group. You don't need to mention it again unless maybe she does, and a laugh might dissipate the bad feeling if it gets raised - not because it's funny but to acknowledge the human condition - that we all make mistakes. Just give her a hug and welcome her back into the group, life with a SEN child is hard enough and you need to support each other with tolerance and kindness.

I find it a little mean that a mother of a disabled child is being ostracised over the use of a word. She should be able to feel included and most likley was frustrated not with her son but with her situation. Most likley she expected other parents with disabled children to understand that, although the word is not a nice one to use, support was probably expected not punishment.

YABU. She was using it to describe her own child, like others have said, maybe he goes rigid?
Anyway she realised as you said she looked like the ground wanted to open her up.
You don't need to take her aside, you need to text her to ensure she comes back!

For some reason this thread has really got to me. It's like the Herd mentality .She used in inappropriate word towards her own child and immediately regretted it. We have all bubbled on when nervous and perhaps this group was her only break.As others have said words go out of acceptance ie in school we can no longer say brainstorming it has been replaced by "blue sky thinking" but l wouldn't ostracise anyone for a slip up.

I think it's all bullshit.

OP stirred things up then fucked off.

So, I'd say the chances of it being real are slim.

Could be right.

My feeling is that OP fucked off because she didn't get the reception she was expecting.

Hope so. I do tend to take things at face value but l suppose there are idiots about

OP - we all make mistakes. She shouldn't have said that - though to give her credit it sounds as though she knew she made a mistake instantly. And I think it's now been made pretty clear to you that you've made a big mistake too. Reading these posts can't have been easy, especially as from your original post I don't think you had a clue that your behaviour was unreasonable at all!!

It would be lovely if you could update us with how you've made things up with the woman. I reckon most posters on here would be pretty forgiving if they knew you'd made amends, and reading a few people telling you so would be a relief after 13 pages of YABVU, no?!

poor ok and her first post !!

I haven't read to the end but if it's any help I have epilepsy and of course had to tell my boss in a new job about it.

Fast forward several weeks when we happened to see someone drop their coffee down themselves and boss says 'oh he's going to have an eppy about that'.

As soon as he said it I could feel his utter mortification. If he'd been with anyone else I doubt he'd have used the word, it was probably just subconscious and I didn't take offence. He was much the same age as me and when we were growing up it was a common word to use.

So long winded way of saying I think taking offence at this one-off use of an unfortunate word is horrible and I really feel for this poor woman. If anything I think you owe her an apology.

I think political correctness is rearing it's ugly head here.
We have a grandson just like the child mentioned in this post and we know what tantrums can blow up if he is the wrong way out. Stress probably made her use this word and she needs sympathy in her situation - not a bollocking from the PC brigade and their holier than thou ways.
Spastic is an actual medical condition - I am a PCV driver and some years ago drove a bus for a company with a contract to take children with cerebral palsy to and from school.
Each bus had one or two escorts on every journey and one of these women was a qualified mental health nurse who was taking a career break and doing a bit of part-time work , just for some money.
She explained that cerebral palsy can affect the brain or the body or both.
People with palsy affecting both body and brain are referred to as spastic she told me. Like my cousin Peter who was a forceps delivery and suffered brain damage as a result. This was in 1950 - no suing the hospital for millions in those days.
As an aside - kids used to call each other a " spas " as an insult, as children do. I still drive buses and a while a go I heard one lad call another a " Scopy tw*t " - SCOPE being the PC name for the old Spastics Society.
Children are not PC !!!!

It's not a Nice word to use but then again I think a lot of words are used these days that are not meant in context to their meanings....
Eg... Lots of people call children 'little buggers' or 'little sods'.... If you actually think of the meaning of these words there is no way you would ever use them to describe a child but they are commonly used and no one takes offence to them as no one sits and thinks about the real meaning.
I'm sure this lady probably used that word without thinking of the actual real meaning and how offensive it would be.
I'm also sure that had she used the word somewhere else (not a Sen group) it probably would have gone unnoticed by most people

I hope to god you are wrong Smileyhappypeople.

If a bunch of average adults wouldn't notice someone using spastic, that's fucking depressing

Good Lord aren't you a sensitive bunch. Yes you might get a bit of a suprise at the use of the word in such a group but grow up and get over it. Very judgemental of you all and not very nice.

Not only have you ostracised the mum you've also ostracised her dc. Totally uncalled for, everyone makes mistakes. Sounds like she realised she made a mistake no need to bloody crucify her. Bet she feels awful.

also does the op not deserve to be able to go to a support group and feel comfortable.

As does the other member of the support group. Who is NOT going to be a hate crime perpetrator because of course she is facing the same issues and challenges as the OP, as does her child.

Therefore your high horse falls over: you cannot say 'the OP is excused, have some empathy!' because THE OTHER MUM also has the exact same life challenges as her. Exact same. Entitled to the same support.

She should have been told it was unacceptable language and that was that.
Not ignored and bullied. Because - to use your rhetoric - that is officially what the OP did if we took it down official routes.

Samcro seriously looks at Rebecca's response for where the empathy means we let the OP do this logic fails. She has recognised the difference between as hateful word used in error, followed by embarrassment and guilt, and a hat crime/hate act. They are two different things.

However if her incident were the direct equivalent to the OP, the other guy would have had epilepsy himself.

Just remember: the other mum herself has the exact same circumstances as the OP. She is more likely to be a victim than commit hate crime - especially now her support group is actively bullying her.

I'm also sure that had she used the word somewhere else (not a Sen group) it probably would have gone unnoticed by most people

in general people are far better at using non disbalist language these days, but I find myself gently remonstrating with work colleagues- but unfortunately there are words people have used for many years and often the use is embarrassing habit, rather than truly abhorrant views.

I think OP is too bad to be true, I hope she is a troll and shit stirrer and if not,. its fucking depressing