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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if it's too late to stop my neighbours walking through my garden

260 replies

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 16:19

We live in a row of houses that backs on to lovely moorland and the best thing about my house is that our garden has a gate on to the moor. most of the other houses do too but one house doesn't.

There's one small private spot, on a bench, inside a sort of half shed, where no-one can see you I like to potter in the garden

The previous owner of the house-that-doesn't became a dear friend of ours over the years and after we'd known each other about 8 years I told her she shouldn't keep walking round to the end of the road to get on the moor but should just treat our garden as the route.

So, a very pleasant new set of neighbours have moved in and DH, in a fit of welcoming enthusiasm, apparently said "oh feel free to go through our garden" to this complete stranger.

Consequently, I am finding that the family (mum and two girls, mum with friend, au pair with girls) just routinely walk back and forth through my garden.

Yesterday I wanted to go and garden but saw them setting off (after spotting acomplete stranger - the mum's friend, having a good look round) so locked the back gate whilst I was in the garden so there wouldn't be too much of shock when the gate opened (I know it's not a shock shock but some people will understand).

The garden was somewhere I felt safe. Having a family go through it is too much. But what the heck do I do? Dh says he is sorry and will tell them it was a mistake but that will just make me sound like a bitch.

DH of course never uses the garden and has no idea what it is to potter quietly in your safe place.

To explain it, it's not like having someone coming through your bedroom, but it is like someone walking through your hall.

The neighbour is going to think I'm a right cow if I say anything isn't she? Shall I just start accidentally locking it?

what do I do?

OP posts:
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 19:58

I know how you feel about confronting people. I'm great at sticking up for other people, but always feel like such a knob and like I'm in the wrong when it's about me. Cue they hyperventilating, shakes and watery eyes - allergies, obviously Hmm. I usually muddle through, somehow through sheer determination.

I would go round, knock on the door, try not to don't cry or run away, take a deep breath and just say that DH hadn't discussed it with you before offering, but as you will be spending a lot more time in the garden, you would appreciate if they could stop using your garden as a short cut through to the moors, as you would like some more privacy.
If they mention the other kids/neighbours/previous owners using it, just say that they are very dear friends who you have known for a very long time. Then say, anyway I have to get back to tea/ironing/whatever, but you were thinking about possibly having a BBQ/party soon, so you'll let them know. Total lie, of course
-Big Smile- Bye! -Wave as you run away-

DoodlesInTheHouse · 16/05/2016 20:01

Where is OP? Is she moving out?

Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 20:01

Ahh, someone else who uses my smile, wave and run tactic, MakeItRain

brummiesue · 16/05/2016 20:02

You are a lawyer?? Are you like this at work??

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 20:02

I did it. By text. Thank christ.

I really hope she has a sense of humour at her ridiculous neighbours.

OP posts:
Hagrid3112 · 16/05/2016 20:04

Congratulations. Have some Wine

DoodlesInTheHouse · 16/05/2016 20:05

Well DONE whydid. When she sees this in the Daily Fail she will know how hard this was for you Grin.

I think 'lock the gate' is the new 'cancel the cheque'.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 16/05/2016 20:07

Good LORD. Thank goodness you eventually did it because I was about to burst into flames of frustration.

As someone else said, they bought that house knowing and expecting to have to walk round. You are not putting anyone in any danger ffs! Do not wobble.

Inertia · 16/05/2016 20:07

Go round with your husband and tell the neighbours that it won't be possible for them to use your garden for access any more. You do the talking so he doesn't make it worse, and he can see how his carelesness creates a problem to be dealt with.

If they ask why, just say something non-committal - 'oh, there are quite a few reasons so I won't bore you with details, you 'll need to warn au pair though.'

I'd also start locking it for a few weeks, even if you don't mean to keep it locked permanently.

Inertia · 16/05/2016 20:08

Oh, cross posted. Well done!

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 20:08

Just got a very classy reply.

Can I breathe now?

OP posts:
BeckyMcDonald · 16/05/2016 20:10

OP FWIW you remind me of me. I have a job where I have to be very forthcoming and tackle quite serious and awkward issues. But give me a domestic dilemma and I go to pieces. I once kept an absolutely diabolical cleaner for four years until she died because I just couldn't sack her.

I wouldn't find it easy to go around there either. I'd have definitely texted.

CauliflowerBalti · 16/05/2016 20:10

What was the reply, woman? And what did you send in the end?

Nice work. Well done for putting your big girl pants on.

RebootYourEngine · 16/05/2016 20:10

What did you text?

Mangetoutisdelicious · 16/05/2016 20:11

Well done OP !
(Phew)

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 20:13

"That's fine of course thank you for letting me know. see you soon"

Pure class. Can she get some kind of mumsnet award?

OP posts:
HouseOfBiscuits · 16/05/2016 20:14

Great outcome! Well done OP Flowers Smile

whydidhesaythat · 16/05/2016 20:14

maybe we can even still be friends :)

thank you so much for the help with not sending the waffle xx

OP posts:
greenfolder · 16/05/2016 20:15

I would say something like

Dh offered this without thinking it through. Little old lady used the gate once in a blue moon. He had not thought about how much different it would be with a young family. Please can you go round from now on?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 16/05/2016 20:15

Brilliant. Seriously OP, I thought I was bad, but even I (with the help of MN) went round to tell our neighbours I could hear them having sex (well the girlfriend was a screamer and our walls are very thin). Sadly they broke up and moved out (oops!) hope it wasn't anything I said.

I felt so much better for doing it though, hope you do too.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 16/05/2016 20:15

All that angst!

greenfolder · 16/05/2016 20:17

Boll locks should have read the thread. Well done op and neighbour. Just goes to show there are normal people in the world !

Snooksbury · 16/05/2016 20:17

How about saying something like, you realised you don't want to be liable of something happens to someone on your land as it might not be covered by your home insurance? Or also I vaguely think (someone else can prob correct me on this if I'm wrong) sometimes if people persistently use a piece of private land, after a set number of years they can apply to make it a public right of way.
Might help to throw those couple of things into the conversation if it does get awkward.
I do think you need to say some timing though, not just put a padlock on the gate.

Snooksbury · 16/05/2016 20:20

Sorry for not rtft - for some reason my usual settings to see the whole thread on one page didn't work!!

Stopmithering · 16/05/2016 20:20

I have a DP who does daft things like your DH.
There us a small gap in our fence between our garden and that of our neighbours. A couple of years ago, little children next door found said gap and started coming through "to play". DP said it was fine, no problem. He found it funny.
Small children from next door them started to appear in our garden frequently and randomly. Even if our children weren't in. Sometimes with other children, too.
Once, small boy opened my back door while I was sitting at the table working and came in, picked up a toy and ran off back to his own house, ignoring my "no! Put that back neighbours's child!" cries and cross face.
DP just didn't get how annoying I found it, how uncomfortable I felt and also uncomfortable about raising it with the neighbours.
I made him sort it out.
Sadly, it still happens more than I would like. And interestingly, it's always the children next door who come through to our garden. The parents seem to not even realise their children are missing.
My (long-winded) advice?
Ensure it stops for good and that the message is clear, or you'll forever be uncomfortable in the garden.

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