to wonder if it's too late to stop my neighbours walking through my garden

[whydidhesaythat]

We live in a row of houses that backs on to lovely moorland and the best thing about my house is that our garden has a gate on to the moor. most of the other houses do too but one house doesn't.

There's one small private spot, on a bench, inside a sort of half shed, where no-one can see you I like to potter in the garden

The previous owner of the house-that-doesn't became a dear friend of ours over the years and after we'd known each other about 8 years I told her she shouldn't keep walking round to the end of the road to get on the moor but should just treat our garden as the route.

So, a very pleasant new set of neighbours have moved in and DH, in a fit of welcoming enthusiasm, apparently said "oh feel free to go through our garden" to this complete stranger.

Consequently, I am finding that the family (mum and two girls, mum with friend, au pair with girls) just routinely walk back and forth through my garden.

Yesterday I wanted to go and garden but saw them setting off (after spotting acomplete stranger - the mum's friend, having a good look round) so locked the back gate whilst I was in the garden so there wouldn't be too much of shock when the gate opened (I know it's not a shock shock but some people will understand).

The garden was somewhere I felt safe. Having a family go through it is too much. But what the heck do I do? Dh says he is sorry and will tell them it was a mistake but that will just make me sound like a bitch.

DH of course never uses the garden and has no idea what it is to potter quietly in your safe place.

To explain it, it's not like having someone coming through your bedroom, but it is like someone walking through your hall.

The neighbour is going to think I'm a right cow if I say anything isn't she? Shall I just start accidentally locking it?

what do I do?

It doesn't matter if you're not really going to lock the gate surely? The point of saying you are is that she knows not to use it any more.

I'd text: Hi neighbor. Just letting you know that from now on we're going to keep our gate locked a lot of the time and we'd rather it wasn't used as a cut though any more. It's for security and insurance purposes. So sorry, i know it's been handy, xx

Keep doing that OP and they will start locking the gate from their side to keep safe from you.

It's a solution, mind.

x post. Embarrassing but it doesn't matter. Still send the text.

Op you are very funny, silly and infuriating

You are NOT doing anything wrong or unfair by telling them they can't use your garden anymore.

I'm irritated on your behalf that posters keep advising you to say the gate will be locked or to actually lock it, as that's not what you want to do.

Also once said neighbour or au pair realises gate isn't locked when they see others using it, they might just start using your garden again and you're back to square one.

Honestly all you need to do is be honest. Doesn't matter if you sound nervous or it comes out slightly oddly. You can correct your oddness straight afterward. Be totally honest and say 'god I'm so nervous as I feel bad and don't want you to be upset' if that helps. But just say you're finding it hard to feel relaxed in your garden and want some privacy.

BUT JUST BLOODY SAY IT!

Why did you run away?!

I imagine they're either going to give you a wide berth or come round and check you're okay shortly now. Or ask DH when they see him next.

Joking aside, what's made you so nervous to talk to them? Is it something about them?

Oh my goodness.

Incidentally we have the same set up but instead of access to the moor it is access to the canal. It's an allotment style garden but each house has a strip. We have the best access. Nobody comes onto our patch as we have a gate and a fence. And where we don't - right by the canal, I put wires and two espaliered apple trees to stop people just nipping across to get to other people's gardens.

Nobody ever said a word.

To add to my 'just be honest' - the main thing is to spell out what you want. You can apologise, joke about feeling bad/embarrassed BUT you must actually say please can you stop using my garden.

Feckin hell, how much angst can someone have about a locked gate or stopping someone coming through your gate instead of using the correct way. Go back and tell the husband, it's probably better you tell him because you don't have a relationship with him as such.

I agree it's usually best to just say these things outright, but I also understand you're worried about causing awkwardness

So could you perhaps mention some "security issues" you've just been told about in the area? The sort of thing that might make it sensible to lock the gate from now on? Who knows - if they're new they might even be grateful to you for tipping them off!!

How about these..?

1/ We've changed house insurance and we've been told we now need to secure the gate

2/ just to let you know we have had to lock the gate as there have been a number of people just walking through including the nudist rambler.

3/ I know I sound a bit silly and flakey but I had a nightmare two nights ago about someone staring through the window. Have had to lock the gate since then as it was so lifelike. (Give a little flakey trill of laughter to emphasise this at the end)

4/ I was sun bathing topless last week and quickly managed to hide when I heard the gate go. So sorry but my husband didn't think about my nudist tendencies.

5/ we've had to lock the back gate as it was proving difficult to bury the bodies with the constant interruptions.

6/ we've had to lock the gate as every time it goes, our illegal immigrant helpers have to hide and it's really hitting their productivity.

(Can you guess which one MrSWW suggested!!) 😂

In all seriousness, you do need to sort this out before they earn the right of way through your property.

OP - stop it, yo'uve got yourself in a right state! Send Kidnapped's text. Now.

You can "change your mind" and stop locking it so DC and DC's friends use the garden later on without having to come through the house. But you know, to your neighbours, it'll look like you have invited your child's friends to play in your garden, if they object that your child's friends are allowed to play in your garden but they aren't, they are freaks you don't want anywhere near you!

Hi neighbour, I think there has been some confusion about using our garden for access to the moor. We don't mind you using our private gate occasionally in an emergency but not for everyday access. DH says he thinks he might have been unclear. Sorry for any confusion. Hope you are settling in well. Would you like to pop round for a coffee on Saturday?

I'd say all of that in real life to her face rather than by text but I'm not a wet lettuce. If she's a normal person she'll be mortified and probably apologise forever.

So they buy a house with no access to the moor.
The neighbours move in along with children , au pair and whoever else?

Until your Dh saying oh trample through our garden they knew they had to walk around. Yet you have taken it upon yourself to make an issue of it?

It isn't. They bought the property knowing they would have to walk around.

Just lock the gate. Your children and the neighbours children can use one of the other children's gates for the next few weeks whilst you look at locking solutions. Could a proper lock be fitted? One of those code lock thingies.. Remote thing like on a garage.

Just lock it and say strangers have been traipsing through. You aren't lying as you have seen random people walk through. Then change the subject very quickly

Isn't the crux of the matter that you only had one person occasionally using your garden as a right of way and now you have streams of people?

I would go around with a bottle of wine or a cake and explain it to her

I'd go with point 5

OP you seem a good sort, but honestly, what kind of lawyer are you and how on earth do you cope with being one?

And no wine and no food. You owe them nothing.
They on the other hand should have been out by now and bought you a thank you gift. Lock the gate before they do.

No mentioning the previous occupant. Irrelevant.
No mentioning all the extra children. Irrelevant.

Bite the bullet and text them!

OP, in your case I think you should text. Because you're not going to be able to get through the conversations people are suggesting.

There are lots of things you can do. You can put a lock on it, which your kids can use (you can buy a deadlock style which locks from both sides if it is a full door, if jot use a chain and a padlock you can pull through to either side.

You can text them with any of the above concise texts along the lines of strangers in the garden, need to keep the gate locked, insurance risk etc.

But I think you're enjoying flapping about like a delicate little butterfly, twittering about how there is no solution and silly silly husband and so on. If you want to infantilise yourself then that's utterly up to you, but what advice do you want? Because there seems to be currently no possible option that works for you.

I liked mintychop's idea.
hops

Hi Jane, hope you are settling in well? I just wanted to mention that it's not going to be possible to come through our garden to get to the moor any longer. Thought I should let you know sooner rather than later so Au Pair can get used to going round by the road. Beautiful day today wasn't it? Anyway must dash, so much to do....

She doesn't want to lock the gate! Neighbourhood kids use it and she's fine with that, she's known them forever!

Don't mention insurance, security or anything else.

Just say you want some privacy and there are too many people traipsing through now.

Have you done the deed yet OP?

Agree no wine and food. They havent given you anything for the access you owe them nothing. They had several months unexpected access. You have now decided you want your privacy back

Talk to your husband about what to do in view of all the conflicting advice you've been given. Decide how to do it and go round together.
I don't think telling any lies is a good idea.

Something a bit similar happened to me (from your neighbour's point of view). The husband of a nearby house happily said I could keep my outside bin in a certain place, very slightly awkward for them. His wife spoke to me a few days later saying "I know my husband said you could keep it there but actually it's awkward for me, could you move it?" I didn't think anything of it really and just moved the bin! It didn't cause any upset.

So I would say in a really friendly way "I know my husband said you and people you know could use the gate but actually I always get a real shock when people I don't know use the garden or if people come into the garden unexpectedly. Would you mind not using it. Thanks." (Big smile.... then run!)