To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

[Irishheart]

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

bibbety- feeling "undermined" and that "she was not a good enough wife" because a member of the family did some washing that was in the washing basket so they could come home from holiday to no washing is not a feeling that she should be backed up on

No, this is not your place at all to judge.

You seem to miss the nuances of the situation here. as you always do

Op we had this too, Mil coming in to help without being asked.

I have always maintained if my own DM had done it, it would be from a place of love. However as soon as I saw mils face - the Martyr face standing up from wiping our bathroom floor I knew we were in trouble. And we were.

Op you have nothing to apologise for and lets hope, this stops future crossing of boundaries.

Oh blimey!
Having done the laundry, and tidied up while DDIL had dc2 am I in for a roasting?

Yes P1nk I'm sure you are. The thread's about you, didn't you know?

... Did your DIL ask you to do those things/say yes to them/say thanks and keep doing them? Do you two generally have a loving relationship?

Or are things frosty and did she shoot you death glares, chanting "you really don't have to" through gritted teeth while hiding the laundry basket?

If the former (which I'd bet on) then it's not comparable. Neither are half the "oh I wouldn't mind, the more help the merrier, I love my MIL doing chores" comments.

The OP feels a certain way and is allowed to. Of course it's good to explore why and try to control reactions, but at rock bottom, anyone's allowed to set their own boundaries and expect others to keep to them. It all comes down to individual relationships.

😊
Definitely not comparable, we get on very well.
However, had it been my MIL I'd have died of shock/she'd have relished telling everyone what a slattern I was etc (she never, in 34 years, called me by my name😡)

Were you asked to do any of that P1nk, or did you ask before proceeding?

MrsJayy, I agree with you, and I think they should ask for their key back. Don't let her in if she has form, or at least make sure she has to knock. Get someone else to feed the cat when they're away.

However, it doesn't matter if the MIL was 'inspecting' the knickers. She handled something that you really wouldn't be showing to other people in the normal course of affair, and this could be very upsetting to lots of people. Lots of women (and men too) have done their own laundry from their teenage years and prefer it that way because they like their privacy.

The level of privacy you like is a very personal and individual thing. Nobody should assume that just because they have a key to a house and are trusted to feed the cat, someone who lives in the house is ok with you handling her knickers.

As PPs have said, it's all about the context and your relationship. MIL does our ironing most weeks, I'm sure she doesn't need to and I'm sure I'm a lazy ape. She likes having something to do (she comes over every Tuesday to take the DCs swimming while I work late, so is here all day) and I think now she's retired she likes having bits and bobs to do. I'm just grateful the DCs don't go to school looking like little crumpled ruffians.

If she interferes and makes you feel undermined, op, you're entitled to be entirely pissed off and say so. There've been times my MIL has overstepped the mark, so I make a point of saying so. Entirely NBU.

It's all in the context. My DGM used to clean our bathroom whenever she visited. Not because she thought she was helping, but because it wasn't up to her standards. There is a world of difference.

Being that a huge majority of the worlds population wears undies. That women all over the world have menses. That undies are sold in public. You have to wonder what is so private about laundry? Do men care who washes or sees their undies?

Exactly Barbet, although Pink you sound lovely (as do other MIL's) on this thread.

It just boils down to the relationship between MIL and DIL. Some are good and others are not!

My DH would be mortified if my mother took it upon herself to wash his pants.

I find it very weird that a significant proportion of parents seem to feel that their primary aged DDs should wear "modesty shorts" under their school uniform to prevent anyone getting a glimpse of their knickers, while another group of people are at a loss as to why a grown adult's underwear might be private.

I personally find the "no shoes indoors" people rather unusual, but I respect their right to not to have me clumping about their home in my shoes. I don't know why so many people on this thread seem to dispute the OP's right not to have people rummage in her laundry basket.

You have to wonder what is so private about laundry?

Well it's great that you're open about it, but that's you isn't it?

Personally I'm very private about everything - my mil is lovely for example and we have no issues at all, but I don't even want her seeing my bedroom, let alone dirty clothes.

Some would think that was totally OTT bonkers but to me it's a private place and it's important. Maybe it's part of being very introverted?

But if someone says something is private to them - then it's private to them! Only a jerk pushes past that for no real reason.

You have to wonder what is so private about laundry

Really?

I posted my reasonings as have other people. Lacy underwear/stained knickers or a top that reeks because you had a stressful day is invading my privacy, I would be embarrassed so I would not appreciate that help, I thought it was obvious but clearly everyone has different boundaries!

Help is welcomed and appreciated but dont touch my laundry, or my private things. I once noted my top drawer with very private things was left ajar, it wasn't me but assumed it was MIL snooping as she was staying. I've not stressed out about it because our relationship is relatively ok, her heart is in the right place. It's human nature to be inquisitive (bloody nosey!) and to judge people, but you need to accept if people call you out on it - doesn't have to be in an aggressive manner!

You have to wonder what is so private about laundry?

All those years spent telling my DD to watch when she bends down flashing is pointless then? After all her bottom is covered and well it's just her pants on show?

How ridiculous.... Everyone has to have some level of privacy and OP has had hers invaded -

I have no desire to strip anyone's bed or clean their undies - why would any sane person think this is OK?

So people who pay total strangers to do housekeeping; stripping beds and doing laundry are not sane?
The son who doesn't care is not sane?
Having hang ups about laundry and body functions is not sane.

My DH would be mortified if my mother took it upon herself to wash his pants.

Yes, I am trying to imagine how DH would react and it's making me They're very close but it would just be downright weird as he's grown up and can take care of himself!

And YY Peyja - it's totally normal to be nosy, but most of us hold back and you can't get all grumpy when caught out!

She's not a stranger though she's her MIL. Been Mumming for years and washed a mountain of dirty knickers I suspect.. She just thought she'd help out it sounds like to me.. !

Yep, I'm insane! Even if I could afford a cleaner/laundry service I wouldn't use it due to my hang ups.

Plus the threads on here about cleaners should put people off! Didn't way rearrange the condom drawer?

My dirty knickers are my own business and I would be pissed off if anybody did that. It's overstepping the mark in a way that having a tidy round etc isn't. YANBU.

Oh and btw, not every DIL is an unreasonable oversensitive ingrate...sometimes PILs and families in general can be fucking hard work. (My own MIL is an angel from god, thankfully and I love her )

My MIL is brilliant. When she visits (stays as she lives on the other side of the world) she'll cook some meals but otherwise leaves well enough alone. But when we asked her to cme and help when DSs were born she came and chipped in and helped, doing laundry and all sorts. She waited until Iasked for help, which is good maners.

My DM on the other hand, feels I have to do everyting her way and always interferes so gets told to leave everything and stop messing with my stuff!

Eh? Are you just out for a quarrel Out?

The example above was so clearly referring to the situation on the thread of grabbing the in-laws' stuff and cleaning it when they're away. People who pay cleaners consent to a lack of privacy: cleaners would check what was to be done before doing it.

The only moderately "insane" behaviour I'm seeing is where people have detailed exactly why they're uncomfortable, and you've just brushed it off and dismissed anyone who feels differently to you. That's so rude!

Even if my mil is being a bit passive aggressive by cleaning my house like a mad thing the day that do the childcare, I don't care! I have a clean house!

I used to get stressed about her tidying but now I work ft again I bloody love it. i dont care that she even irons socks like an insane person. She descaled the kettle the other day and i let her.

Even if we don't always agree, my mil recognises that working ft with 2 kids is hard and she does the cleaning to help. Frankly, she's the only reason my staircase gets hoovered.

My penance is a Sunday dinner every fortnight and letting fil come over and do fiddle jobs in the shed to get him out from under her feet. In return my kids have whites that are white and she gets to stuff them with sweets twice a week at school pick up. She saves me childcare money and tidies, plus he kids adore her.

Once I got over my irrational mil hump, life was much nicer. She feels useful ( because she is!) And i appreciate her more. She even backs me against dp now.

The biggest plus is she can be arsed to do crafty stuff with dd. Which I cannot, having taught all day.

Bit off thread I know. I just think sometimes it's nice to appreciate mils. Mine is actually nicer than my mum!

Bit off thread I know. I just think sometimes it's nice to appreciate mils.

No that's not off thread! I love my mil, she's fab! Lots do and lots are!

BUT for the op this is an invasion of privacy and in the context of other stuff it's not ok.

People don't seem to have a very nuanced concept of generosity - doing someone a favour isn't necessarily a nice thing. Some people genuinely don't get that, it's weird.

"I just did your laundry"

"I just cleaned the kitchen"

"I just repaired that lamp"

"I just repainted your house"

"I just had that wall knocked through"

... All those statements would either fill you with total joy or total horror based on your own unique relationships and nothing less (not suggesting that things escalate like that btw, just thinking of examples).

I hope the op and her mil start to rub along a bit better because that will definitely make life happier for everyone, but it's got to be a mutual thing!