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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
Peyia · 16/05/2016 13:12

Posted too slow, that question was Bert

HazelBite · 16/05/2016 13:14

I came home one day from work to find that Ds's girlfriend (Future DIL I hope) had cleaned my kitchen, I was ecstatic!!

shovetheholly · 16/05/2016 13:20

There is no right or wrong answer to this, because it depends MASSIVELY on the culture of the family and the context.

If your MIL is judgemental, always offering unsolicited advice, and generally looking out for any opportunity to boss or undermine you, then it probably is passive-aggressive behaviour disguised as kindness.

If your MIL is lovely, charitable, kind and generally sweetness and light personified then she was probably meaning to save you a load of post-holiday hassle.

My guess is that the fact you've even asked the question makes the former of these scenarios far more likely than the latter!

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 13:24

I didn't notice it was on,y a weekend. But even so, surely anyone would pick the post up and put it on the table or something?

God, Mumsnet is another country, isn't it?

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 13:25

"I'm also bemused as the amount of people comfortable with their MIL going through their dirty washing"

It's not "going through"!

Peyia · 16/05/2016 13:28

Not really, it's just a range of people with different opinions. Picking up post to put on the side is different to washing dirty laundry/sorting wardrobes but hey, I accept some are relaxed about it - even though I cringe at the thought of it.

Peyia · 16/05/2016 13:30

Eh? How else do you sort the washing? Darks, whites and colours need to be sorted or 'gone through'. I don't think there is anything 'sinister' about it. Just prefer my dirty knickers to only be seen by me/H.

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 13:30

I think you need another cat sitter she is fine and dandy to feed cat but how very dare she do a bit of washing you either like this woman or not dont use her to your advantage then bitch about her being PA a terrible person blah de blah

BillBrysonsBeard · 16/05/2016 13:42

Even if washing isn't sorted through, dirty ones can still be seen and then they get hung up individually. This isn't about bitching at MILs. When I'm a MIL there is no way I would go near my son/dil's washing basket even if we have the closest relationship. Doing washing isn't much effort, but the chance of DIL feeling intruded upon is big (as evidenced on this thread) so it's not worth the risk. Saving someone a little job that they really don't mind doing themselves but risking making them have negative feelings towards me as a MIL.. It's an easy decision to just not do it. Watering plants or picking up post is completely different..

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 13:48

And anyway, the Op didn't say anything about not wanting people to touch her dirty washing, which I could just about understand, although I don't think it warrants the massive hoo ha some people are making.. She said that her MIL doing the washing was passive aggressive, undermining and saying she wasn't a good enough wife. Which is rather different.

LightDrizzle · 16/05/2016 13:48

Whether MIL's intentions were nice or PA, the OP's reaction towards her was fine: "Thanks, but you shouldn't have." She didn't bitch slap her or accuse her of meddling. She has nothing to apologise for. It's not wrong to have a preference over other people handling your dirty knickers. I think I have good personal hygiene but (TMI) it is normal to sometimes get vaginal discharge marks, post-period sludge etc. and I'd prefer to deal with that myself.

When she was younger and fitter, my mum would sometimes do this sort of thing, and while in her case I don't think it was really passive aggressive, it was sometimes making a point/ controlling. The funny thing is that her own house has always been messy and often grubby as fuck!

We had a much loved au-pair for a few years, she only had light housework duties and no cooking as her principle role was pre-school and post-school childcare around my working hours. My mum once emerged from our downstairs loo in our dust-prone single brick, single glazed VIctorian terrace, holding out her index finger to gravely inform me that "Au-pair isn't dusting the skirting boards enough." Given if I ran my fingers along her skirting boards I'd probably collect new life-forms I just stared at her, and to give her her due, she petered out.

My mum isn't usually like that, it's as if she was playing the role of mother/housekeeping police. It sounds like OP's MIL is worse than my mum was, it will help their relationship if she feels able to politely set boundaries. Her husband's reaction to this first instance of her doing so would piss me right off.

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 13:54

I dont think the mil was inspecting the knickers though im fed up of seeing posts about MILs that do everything wrong but provide childcare /money/ hamstersitting yet she is P A or the Dil is offended by everything she does meh its a bit of washing she probably thought she was helping out

shovetheholly · 16/05/2016 13:58

OP has made it clear, on the very first page of this thread, that this is part of a pattern of PA behaviour on her MIL's part. She said she is frequently treated like a child and that her MIL is always overstepping boundaries.

It strikes me that this is actually relevant to the question, hmmmm? Hmm

Peyia · 16/05/2016 14:08

MrsJay I think DIL's from hell have been discussed over on gransnet. No one is immune from critism, we're human after all Wine

I wouldn't take it personally, some people do overstep boundaries - it's fine to tell someone what you're not comfortable with but I would agree if this particular MIL does not respect boundaries it's best to stop asking for favours.

MrsJayy · 16/05/2016 15:39

But if the Mil is as bad as the op says why let her feed the cat or whatever surely if she has form for being a pain in the arse then not giving her free run of the house is a start.

Merd · 16/05/2016 15:41

Because her husband doesn't acknowledge her feelings and probably invited his mum around.

Can't imagine a world where I'd give anyone the key to our place. I think it depends how private you are too!

PersonalSpace · 16/05/2016 15:58

Everything you have described had happened to me including the DH who loves the "help". I HATED it it's such an invasion of privacy and unnecessary. Would your MIL like it if you went into her home rifling through her dirty pants? I doubt it. MILs need boundaries unfortunately the sons never seems to want to enforce any as they like having everything done for them. Don't apologise unless you were rude you have no need to.

MintJulip · 16/05/2016 16:21

Yes as previous posters said people will reply on their on mils, if you mil is lovley it will be hard for people empotahise as to why this many have upset you u. becausee essentially is does sound like a lovely gesture. But I have had this too and it was the same scenrio mentioned previously.

I am the awful HW who cannot look after golden boy proplery so yes i was PA.

Out2pasture · 16/05/2016 16:39

the OP has issues and I doubt the MIL is the problem. The OP is uncomfortable with the action why?? Because she feels like it reflects on her, why?? Ask why 3 times and you see it's about the OP maybe she does need to step up?

Merd · 16/05/2016 16:41

Oh my god "the op has issues and needs to step up"? Seriously? Because she didn't do laundry before vacationing? That's hilarious.

I take it you're a sensitive MIL? Or someone who can't understand that yes - some parents can be arses, either occasionally or full time!

Rowanhart · 16/05/2016 16:45

What a lovely Mum in Law. My mam
looks after kids and does all mine and there washing and ironing. Not DH because he's too fussy and likes to do self. I thank the Lord for her every day.

A big thank you and a bunch of flowers wouldn't go amiss. Ungrateful sod. Grin

MintJulip · 16/05/2016 16:45

Personally, I have no patience with people who can't think beyond themselves and the fluffy glow they get out of delivering their considerate gestures. A intelligent person would give a moment's thought to whether the recipient of the considerate gesture actually wants it or not. And if in doubt, they would ask

^ This.

Op I wouldn't worry, whilst your case in point is fairly tame as far as Mils go, I have read some awful testimonials on here, and the same posters, attack the DIL.
They would attack the dil no matter what the MIL had done, they are rigid and stuck in their thinking, so ignore.

shutupandshop · 16/05/2016 16:46

I didn't like it when mil did mine. Luckily I send dh and dcs to visit alone now.

grannytomine · 16/05/2016 16:50

I would hate it and I would never do it to my daughter or DsIL. I mean I have done washing for them but would never do it without being asked/asking first.

My late MIL dog sat for us once and was all smiley and smirky when we got back saying she had given the house a good clean as obviously I found that difficult with work and everything. Went in the lounge and she had given the dogs bones and left them lying in the heat and there were maggots all over the place. I did smirk when I pointed it out.

MaryMargaret · 16/05/2016 16:51

I'm with OP here, partly because I am bery fussy about what goes in what wash, but akso I do not like the idea of MiL going through my used smalls. I think I must have quite intimidated my MiL early on though, so doubt she would do this in the 1st place - also, I think she'd get the boundaries thing anyway.