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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mil doing washing is passive aggressive?

259 replies

Irishheart · 15/05/2016 21:16

Me, my dh and two kids have been away for the weekend and my mil has been looking after our cat. Came home today and my mil said that she "hopes we don't mind" but that she has done two loads of washing for us. I know that I should be grateful, but the thought of my mil rifling through my wash baskets gives me the rage and I just feel that it was trying to undermine me, because obviously I'm not a good enough wife to clear all the laundry. Also my son is allergic to most washing powders, especially the one she had used so I am going to have to re-wash it all anyway!
My husband thinks IABU...am I?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 16/05/2016 08:41

Certain people on this thread have no place saying the op is a horrible dil.

It is a boundaries thing, who cares if she gave birth to op's friggin dh! He's moved out and married now and he has his own private things in his own house with his wife who also lives their with her own private things!

Op said that her mil has form for being critical and snooping around, so she obviously suspected her intentions where about more than 'helping'.

oliviaclottedcream · 16/05/2016 10:20

YABVU. She was trying to help. You sound a bit paranoid.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 10:22

You know what? Daughters in law can be wrong. And if they are, their husbands do not have to "support" them.

oliviaclottedcream · 16/05/2016 10:40

Oh yes, and men can be wrong too!!

PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2016 10:43

and people who do other people's laundry can be wrong as well

wickedlazy · 16/05/2016 10:43

How can a feeling be wrong? No one can control how they feel. If op feels like her privacy has been invaded, and maybe a bit violated, that's how she feels. Surely her dh should try to prevent his mother from making his wife feel like that again Confused

NickiFury · 16/05/2016 10:47

My ex MIL used to do my washing in situations like this. I adored her for it. She was simply one of those people who couldn't bear to see things like that left undone. There was no malice in it, she just wanted to help. But if you don't like it you don't like it it doesn't make you a horrible person or DIL.

wickedlazy · 16/05/2016 10:47

Just as had the dil done the mil's laundry, and the mil didn't like it, dh should ask his dw not to do it again.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 10:50

Of course feelings can be wrong! We can't help feeling them, obviously- it's how we act on the feelings that's important.

IAmNotAWitch · 16/05/2016 10:51

My MIL used to passively aggressively do housework because she thought I was lazy.

Thing is, I AM lazy - she stopped after a while of me letting her know she hadn't done a very good job of something and that next time she decided to do something in our home unasked, she should do it better.

Job done.

Grin
PerspicaciaTick · 16/05/2016 10:56

Hmm - I suppose the OPs MiL felt she was being helpful, but she was wrong about that. So feelings aren't always reliable.

HidingUnderARock · 16/05/2016 10:57

She rearranged your kitchen drawers to be helpful?

Clearly you should return the favour next time you go round, and see how genuinely helpful she really considers that behaviour to be.

Watch either the penny or the facade drop.

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 16/05/2016 11:03

God, I love it when mil comes to stay and helps out. But I am also a bit twitchy about undy touching Grin so I put all my underwear in a laundry bag so they can be flung into the washing machine and then the dryer on masse and without any attention.

OP, is there a chance that your mil forgot that your DC is allergic to some washing powders? I can't imagine that it is the kind of thing that comes up in conversation very often.

wickedlazy · 16/05/2016 11:05

"Hmm - I suppose the OPs MiL felt she was being helpful, but she was wrong about that. So feelings aren't always reliable."

So her son tells her it was a very kind gesture, and he knows it was well meant, but it made his wife feel uncomfortable.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/05/2016 11:05

Laundry is private so YANBU. I can imagine asking my mum or MIL to fold clean laundry but never to wash dirty. It's just too personal.

wickedlazy · 16/05/2016 11:11

I don't think the mil was wrong, but if she's asked politely not to do it again, and does so, she would be being unreasonable.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/05/2016 11:13

Sounds more like its about her being lonely, wanting to be needed/useful and still mothering DH rather than it being about you. Did she work, have an immaculate home and look after the kids like you do? I'm at home with 1dd and my house is mess until my mum comes to visit and I have a chance to crack on or she does bits for us.

oliviaclottedcream · 16/05/2016 11:37

My Ex MIL used to do my ironing. She loved it and was far better than me. She'd watch over DD1, put the telly on, and do the lot. Talk about a multi-tasker.. I miss her.

BillBrysonsBeard · 16/05/2016 12:31

My MIL did a few things like this, including sorting out my wardrobe while I was away. Her and FIL were staying there as their flat was being renovated. I had a feeling she might do that so I actually took my sex toys/wig/saucy underwear that were stored in the back in my suitcase with me! I came back and saw she had, I was pissed off and relieved I taken my 'items of doom' Grin I now look back and don't mind, she was bored out of her tree and is so lovely, she thought she was helping. But it did feel interfering/mothering/saying I was messy even though we're close. Now I'm older I really wouldn't like it!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 12:56

"You know what? Daughters in law can be wrong. And if they are, their husbands do not have to "support" them."

Yes, of course, but not this op. So why is your post relevant Bertrand?

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 13:00

"My MIL did a few things like this, including sorting out my wardrobe while I was away"

That is a world away from doing some washing that was in the washing basket!

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 13:06

bibbety- feeling "undermined" and that "she was not a good enough wife" because a member of the family did some washing that was in the washing basket so they could come home from holiday to no washing is not a feeling that she should be backed up on.

What if the family member picked up the post off the mat and watered the house plants? Or even had a quick dust round so they came home to a nice clean house.....? Or is that "undermining" too?

BillBrysonsBeard · 16/05/2016 13:09

Are you in an argumentative mood today? Grin
Not really too different, still sorting out intimate items. Infact seeing dirty underwear is worse in some respects..

Peyia · 16/05/2016 13:11

^^ How?

I guess we all have our preference of boundaries.

I'm grateful for MIL leaving food parcels, that might annoy someone. The OP does not want her laundry doing and should be able to say so.

I'm also bemused as the amount of people comfortable with their MIL going through their dirty washing.

Bill unfortunate I did not have the forsight like you did and MIL ended up doing a load with my crotchless knickers, she then hung them up in clear view. I was mortified, had she asked I would have politely refused.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/05/2016 13:12

Plants don't need watering, post doesn't need to be picked up off the mat and dusting does not need to be done when the home owner is away for the weekend.

Whether op feels undermined or not, what is without question is that mil has interfered in an unwelcome way. This dil is not wrong about that.