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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reception Child alone at Party

425 replies

PricklyLegs · 15/05/2016 17:51

Eldest went to the birthday party of a girl in her class yesterday. It was at a playgym which was open to the public - the kids all played then had something to eat. It lasted 2 hours. There were about 12 of them at the party and maybe 50 other kids there with their parents/whoever.

One of the girls in her class was dropped off by her mum and then picked up at the end.

Is this normal for a 4 year old at a playgym party? AIBU to judge said mother for putting the responsibility of watching the 4 yr old on a mother she's only seen at the schoolgates? Anyone could have been there. Anything could have happened.

OP posts:

Rainbow · 17/05/2016 20:12

Depends on how well you know the other parents and if DC is happy to be left. I left my 5yo at a party two weeks ago. He was happy and I have known the mum for a few years x

PirateFairy45 · 17/05/2016 20:15

No, I wouldn't do that.

caitlinohara · 17/05/2016 20:27

I would absolutely leave mine if it was at someone's house. Probably not at a play centre, because I'm not keen on the idea of one or two adults being responsible for other people's children somewhere they can't actually see them. I would consider it very weird if parents stayed to a party at our house.

chickenstew74 · 17/05/2016 20:28

I think 4 is too young. If I or dp couldn't stay I would ask someone I knew and felt comfortable with to keep an eye on them. It wouldn't be the party organiser as they have enough to do. I would never assume someone would look out for her. My now 7yo was a fairly adaptable, confident 4yo and would've coped without me but it really depends on the child. Regardless I wouldn't leave a 4yo unless I was happy I had someone who would watch her and only if I really couldn't make it myself.

Woodhill · 17/05/2016 20:33

Fairly normal here

treaclesoda · 17/05/2016 20:34

Gogo why would anyone invite more children than they can safely supervise?

When I've said upthread that everyone drops and runs where I live, which they do, it's usually maximum of ten children being left with mum, dad, a couple of mum's friends and maybe a couple of aunties, maybe even grandparents too. So often less than a two to one ratio of children to adults. The whole reason they're there is to host the party, not for the love of it. I've never seen a party with just one set of parents supervising the kids, unless it's in their own home.

HamaTime · 17/05/2016 20:35

There is some remarkably emotive language on this thread. Dumped, abandoned, danger, risk, strangers, all and sundry. You would think this was a child being tossed out of a moving car into a crack den rather than attending a birthday party to which she had been invited.

And it's hardly 'free childcare' by the time you've bought and wrapped a present, bought a card, transported yourself to the venue. Also a staggering number of people with a 4yo will also have at least one other child at home who they are looking after anyway. Not that I think there is anything wrong with enjoying any child free time you can get when your child has been specifically invited to an organised event but I can't think of a single occasion when having to take a child to a party has made my day logistically easier.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 17/05/2016 20:35

The point I was making though gobo was that nobody, ever wants me to stay! (I don't smell )

I'm always very clear when I ask if I bring a sibling that they don't have to be catered for or paid for by the host.. even so, people apparently feel it's easier on them as hosts if I drop'n'run

fizzyrubbish · 17/05/2016 20:35

I have dumped and run. Not because I am lazy or don't like socialising but because I have 5 children under 12 and often concurrent parties. But never without asking or checking first.

Also, thinking about it, some public places have a separate space.

I took DC2 (aged 6) to a Pizza Express party and stayed because she is slightly struggling socially in her class. No need. It was in a zoned off area and she had a fab time without needing any supervision or intervention from me. Though it was nice to have a sit down, coffee and chat.

DC3 (5) I'd have no qualms about. DC1 I used to play it by ear. Sometimes clingy children are less inclined to attempt to join in if you hover about.

Janus · 17/05/2016 20:38

Prickly legs, so you were worried that no one was talking to the little girl about food etc - could YOU not have asked her if she wanted something then?
I have a very mixed bag on whether I stay or not, if my (reception) boy asks me to stay I would, if he says 'you can go mum' I do. I check party organisers have my number and settle him for 15 mins or so and come back 15 mins early. If I stay then I try and be as helpful as possible and help bring out food, pass the sandwiches to all the children, top up drinks etc. I'd assume if I left then people who stayed did similar, isn't that what happens?
Some children are confident at 4 and absolutely ok to be left with just maybe a help to walk to the loo, some would weep if left, surely the parent can make a judgement that their child would be OK? Sorry but it's not for you to judge.

fizzyrubbish · 17/05/2016 20:38

I can't think of a single occasion when having to take a child to a party has made my day logistically easier

This. There's at least 1 sodding party every weekend. Yes I know, I should have thought of that before having more than 2 children

4Roseycheeks · 17/05/2016 20:40

No Enjoyingthepeace, not quite that long ago. I grew up during the 50's and 60's. I think that while parents are understandably more careful these days, nevertheless over protection can be stifling and seriously counterproductive. There are one or two adults I know who's lives have been seriously ruined by DMs who never let go. I have three grownup DC myself who had their considerable independence during the 70s and 80's - they might think too much I suppose, but I'm proud of them as good, thoughtful, rounded and very capable adults. I think it vital to start that (carefully guided) independence at a young age.

4Roseycheeks · 17/05/2016 20:43

I'm with you Janus - wise thoughts!

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 17/05/2016 20:46

My child is a November baby and I remember feeling a bit anxious before her reception year party, where I'd invited whole reception class plus nursery class as used the nursery for wrap around care, so the numbers where pretty big. I asked a non-schoolfellow mum to stay and help in advance, as I expected but didn't indicate the split was pretty much all the reception parents leaving and of the nursery children who came- their parents stayed. Seemed to reflect what was locally expected- pre school assumption was to stay and primary you expected the hosts to supervise.

So yes I would leave a four year old at a party, especially if they'd been going to parties for years and comfortable with typical procedure.

wendysw20 · 17/05/2016 20:50

I think parents do what they are comfortable with and if their child is happy to be left then do it. Personally I wanted to get to know other parents and as I work full time and hardly saw anyone I did stay at parties until they were in year 1. If the invitee needs help they need to ask people to stay on the invitation.

Leweslady · 17/05/2016 21:13

I think the key point here is that is was "open to the public". I had no issue with leaving either of my girls at a party at the age of 4, after all they are 'alone' at school all day. BUT this was open to joe public so i would've stayed. General feeling here is that once at school they are left but you check with host they are happy and leave your number. Host may not be comfortable and not be expecting it - I certainly didn't when my youngest hit 4....she was only just 4 when she started school, going to parties of 5 year olds.

ladyjadey · 17/05/2016 21:17

I do both depending on the type of party and how my kids feel and whether or not the parents are friends of mine. I would never expect to stay at a house party but would need to help DD at a bowling party. It depends on the situation. However I do think if you are leaving it is responsible to let the party mum/dad know and make sure they can contact me if there is a problem.

I also think there is something to be said for encouraging your child to be independent......DD2 (5) recently told me she found a classmate crying in the school loo because she needed someone to wipe her bottom and no one had come in the loo to pass the message to her teacher. My DD wiped another girls bum - I told her not to do this again but find it shocking that a 5 year old was unable to wipe her own bottom!

wigwam33 · 17/05/2016 21:19

Would be absolutely normal and accepted to leave a 4 year old at a party where I live. Would also be fine for the parents to stay if they wanted to, and some would depending on the child (and often if it's their first child) but most wouldn't.

GladGran · 17/05/2016 21:26

I recall going to a large (about 20 children, in a "venue") "posh" party when I was about 4 and only vaguely knowing the birthday girl. Said birthday girl was dressed in a tutu! Somehow I was "on" in Blind Man's Buff. I was totally lost as I knew none of the others. I suspect some grown-up intervened as I somehow "caught" the birthday girl, immediately recognised by the tutu. My mother came to collect me at the end of the party. Still remembered as a nightmare to this day.

louismama · 17/05/2016 21:27

I've had this happen at my daughters party and the child was temp placed with fosters parents at the time (who left her) felt I had to spend whole time trying to keep an eye on her in the softplay! - burden of loco parentis. Most parties here, parents stay with kids in this kind of scenario, sometimes we take it in turns taking each others kids with our own, but by prior arrangement.

babynelly2010 · 17/05/2016 21:36

I am a helicopter and totally freaked out about my kids type of mum. We leave in north of London village. Never ever I would leave my kid who is 5.5 year old at any party alone. She is my oldest and obviously same goes for my youngest. Obviously some would say why and the answer is what's the point of leaving her and going away since I will not be able to relax anyways. Yes likely all will be all fine but why test it, if something ever to happen it would be terrible and possiy life altering do why. Is there really something more important than not being with your kid at the party, no... I had them so I can spend time with them so why leave them alone or send then away... I don't agree with parents that leave they children at parties...

babynelly2010 · 17/05/2016 21:42

Sorry for typos... iPhone :)

GladGran · 17/05/2016 21:44

It is the responsibility of the host parent to ensure enough responsible adults to supervise the party, wherever it it. If at home, one or two other adults would suffice. If at an open venue, perhaps ask a few other parents to share the supervision, but do not expect all parents to say with their darlings. As other posters have pointed out, they may have other children or other responsibilities and if they were expected to stay at the party, the invited child may not be able to attend.

GogoGobo · 17/05/2016 21:47

treaclesoda whole of class parties seem to be the norm for reception and year 1 - that's not 10 kids!
screenshottimg you can come to my party with the siblings!!

Beachcomber123 · 17/05/2016 21:48

I think what is exceptionally weird is that the original poster and no other adults at the party didn't automatically just tend to the child so he/she was suitably looked after for the duration of the party. I personally don't leave my children on their own at parties unless specifically requested to by the host. Also, if I am hosting a party I make it clear that parents are welcome but understand if some can't stay for whatever reason and will make sure that any children under my charge are looked after.

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