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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Drunk DP sleeping in the bed

209 replies

Janefromdowntheroad · 15/05/2016 08:31

Do you ask your DP to stay downstairs when he comes in drunk? Do you sleep downstairs?

Every bloody time DP comes in he tries to come upstairs even after I asked told him not too.

I hate the smell of stale alcohol on the sheets, DD is still co-sleeping at 13 months (we do have a super king and she's on my side so not really an issue)

He comes in last night at 1am and I can hear him creeping upstairs. Stumbles over the doorstep and starts getting unchanged. I told him to go downstairs. He starts moaning its cold down there and he's going straight to sleep. DD wakes up Angry. I manage to fall back asleep and then he's moving around in the bed because he can't get comfortable. I told him to fuck off downstairs. He starts telling me about his night because he's pissed and isn't listening. I told him to shut up and go to sleep. Twenty minutes later I wake up to him throwing up out of the window Angry. Woke up properly this time and told him to go back downstairs and that he isn't sleeping up there with us if he's that pissed that he's being sick. He ends up ranting about 'not being able to sleep in his own his in his own house', 'work all week and can't even sleep in his own bed'. Basically just being a twat because he's drunk.

This happens every bloody time he goes out. I don't think its unreasonable to expect him to stay downstairs when he's pissed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Makesomethingupyouprick · 15/05/2016 11:01

Fair play OP!

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 15/05/2016 11:11

Gowgirl Chances are he will feel like crap and extreamley contrite this morning!

Then OP is NBU to be annoyed, if he himself knows his behaviour was not ok.

Flumpnugget We have a pull out sofa bed downstairs that I make up to look all comfy; leave a bucket, some kitchen roll, a pint of water and some alka-seltzer for when DH has been out on a big one.

You shouldn't have to do this - why doesn't he do it himself? Plus, do you get equal amounts of "time off" from parenting? An evening/very late night out, DH making up a bed for you and getting on with childcare and housework whilst you have a lie in the next day?

babyboomersrock Some of you are living with immature boys - how is that attractive? All this "it's only a few times a year", "he deserves a night out", "it's his bed, too - put the baby in the cot"...why on earth do women put up with it?

Social conditioning to pander to men, coupled with male entitlement? I'm single and the collection of manchildren out there is not inspiring...

I just cannot understand why anyone thinks it's ok to get so drunk they are stumbling around and vomiting. Especially if this makes them argumentative and abusive, as some posters have mentioned. If you know doing a certain thing makes you unpleasant and upset those you love, why keep doing it? It's not just where children are involved, or in romantic partnershps either - overly drunk people stumbling around, having to be escorted home and so on are awful on nights out! It's incredibly inconsiderate.

wombthereitis · 15/05/2016 11:12

FFS, of course YANBU! If my husband came in stumbling over everything, waking up the baby, talking to me when I've told him I'm trying to sleep then vomming out the window, there's no way I'd want him sleeping next to me, never mind me and my child. He's being a dick.

wombthereitis · 15/05/2016 11:14

Completely agree OnceThereWasThisGirlWho. The amount of people prepared to put up with and make excuses for entitled man children is unreal Hmm

Gowgirl · 15/05/2016 11:20

I would not call it putting up with a man child, I would call it natural give and take in a relationship.
The day I got married my nan told be the secret of a successful marriage was compromise, she was with my grandad from 14 till he died last year. I took the advice to heart.
Everyone behaves like a fuckwit at times, no one is a saint not that you would know it on here sometimes.

WriteforFun1 · 15/05/2016 11:22

Once, completely agree. My friends are big drinkers. I leave before they reach that stage, they do all know they've got to look after themselves. They're mostly too drunk to look after each other. They never get that pissed if staying at mine.

Twinklestar2 · 15/05/2016 11:26

I'm with you OP 100%.

The rare occasions my OH went out when our baby was small and in the room with us, he'd sleep on the sofa downstairs as not to disturb us.

wombthereitis · 15/05/2016 11:27

Guess I should count myself lucky that I don't have to put up with the natural give and take of being stumbled over and vommed at then. #blessed

Gowgirl · 15/05/2016 11:31

Different example but when I'm being a snappy, evil, bitch from hell feeling under the weather every month dh ignores it and buys me chocolate.

heyhulahoop · 15/05/2016 11:35

It's not about compromise gowgirl, it's about not being a selfish twat.

Gowgirl · 15/05/2016 11:39

But everyone behaves like a twat sometimes, most of us know when we are in the wrong!
It was the very hardline responses up thread that got me thinking, luckily as the op said she is a hardened mumsnetter. What if she wasn't? What if she was young and taking it to heart?

wombthereitis · 15/05/2016 11:41

The difference between that and repeatedly and deliberately doing something that you know upsets your partner and you've agreed not to do again though. That's a complete lack of consideration.

Why should the compromise be hers and not his? As far as I can see the best and most reasonable compromise would be for him to sleep on the couch.

Gowgirl · 15/05/2016 11:42

He was meant to, he got pissed and forgot!

wombthereitis · 15/05/2016 11:45

It's not forgetting if you start drunkingly arguing with he person though, (like he did) is it? He didn't say "whoops, I forgot", he started being an argumentative twat.

heyhulahoop · 15/05/2016 11:47

Well it's a online forum, you're going to get a wide range of responses, I find the posters suggesting the OP sleep on the sofa more worrying tbh.

Anyway the majority of us just said, YADNBU.

Ughnotagain · 15/05/2016 11:48

YANBU at all. Some of these responses are ridiculous.

Being so drunk that you forget a prior agreement to sleep downstairs isn't just "slightly worse-for-wear" (as proved by the vomiting out of the window!).

We mostly co-sleep too and there's no fucking way I'd want DH in with us if he was so drunk that he smelt of booze.

WriteforFun1 · 15/05/2016 11:49

Gowgirl, how much tolerance do you want to show for a man who is so hammered he doesn't realise it's not safe to try and sleep in bed with the baby while he's in that condition?

"What if she wasn't? What if she was young and taking it to heart"

What if she was? What is the worst that would have happened? And taking to heart what, some comments that it's worth leaving someone over? it might be a good thing. She could say "do this again and i'm gone" or indeed leave and what has she lost? A drunken arsehole? Doesn't sound like a catastrophe?

Ivegotyourgoat · 15/05/2016 11:51

Ya sooooo nbu.

Araiba what kind of fucking issues have you got? I see you pop up on these threads all the time.

I would never sleep with a horrible stinky pissed man throwing up and waking me up, let alone with a baby.

His behaviour doesn't fit in with family life at all.

SanityClause · 15/05/2016 11:51

I agree with your grandmother, Gowgirl. Compromise.

The compromise here was that the OP was happy for her DH to go out and get roaring drunk, but that she expected him to sleep on the sofa when he got in.

A reasonable compromise, in my opinion.

The person who refused to compromise was the DH. He went out and got roaring drunk, and then expected to sleep in the bed, when he had already agreed not to.

If the secret to a long marriage is one person having to put up with all the shit thrown at them by the other, then I'd be happy to forgo a long marriage, thanks.

Alisvolatpropiis · 15/05/2016 11:53

Yanbu at all op. You also sound a whole lot more normal than a fair few pp's!

Makesomethingupyouprick · 15/05/2016 11:58

OP said that the 13 month old sleeps on her side of the bed so the safety of the child wasn't an issue - she just didn't want him making the sheets smell of booze.

Which is fine. DH acted badly obviously but the OP didn't feel the child was at risk and it's unfair of people to suggest that she went along with something that was unsafe for her child.

Same as people suggesting she's living in the 50s or whatever.

Choceeclair123 · 15/05/2016 12:07

Can't believe some of the responses on here what a joke.

OP, I'm with you 100%. Can't believe some ppl think you should sleep downstairs with your baby becomes your DP comes in drink and vomits out of the window wtf?! Get real

coconutpie · 15/05/2016 12:27

Makesomething - on what planet do you think it's ok for a drunken mess to sleep next to a 13 month old baby? SIDS risk is obviously reduced at that age and some babies naturally turn on their sides to sleep once they are more mobile, but there is no fucking way I would allow a drunken person sleep in the same bed as a baby. There is still a risk when they are small and putting a drunken person in the bed next to them is just asking for trouble. Plus, who would want a baby breathing in all those booze fumes overnight?

Seriously, do some people on this thread have no regard for a BABY's safety? Instead, they are more worried about the precious fucking snowflake of a man who has decided to completely ignore what his wife has requested and he's just being a selfish twat by putting his own wishes ahead of the safety and comfort of his sleeping baby and wife.

It doesn't matter if this shit happens every week or once a month - it is not acceptable to treat your wife and child like this, ever. If he's that much of an inconsiderate shit when drunk then he shouldn't be drinking at all.

Makesomethingupyouprick · 15/05/2016 12:42

I'm not saying it's fine, what I'm saying is OP didn't consider it a risk, she fell back to sleep. One of her first posts in suggestion to her moving her and the baby out was 'and let him have the comfy bed? ha ha, no'. (Or similar, I'm paraphrasing as can't go back to the previous page when typing)

What you're doing is suggesting that the OP wasn't caring about her childs safety or didn't risk assess.

So when you're saying 'does no-one have regard for a BABY'S safety?'. You're saying the OP didn't, she was pissed off with her DH but stayed in bed and kept the baby in bed too when she could have moved. And no, she shouldn't have to but people going on about it not being safe are suggesting by implication that the OP was negligent in some way.

That's what isn't fair. In the anger at the DH, people are suggesting the child was at risk and OP did nothing about it when OP said in her first post that wasn't the issue as she did not think the child being in bed was an issue.

KayTee87 · 15/05/2016 12:49

Yanbu! I asked my husband to sleep in a spare room last night. I'm 30 weeks pregnant and finding it very hard to sleep, in pain etc. He came in drunk, woke me up, stank of booze (which since I've been pregnant gives me the boak), got into bed and started fidgeting and being really noisy. It's not hurt him sleeping somewhere else for the night.. In fact he's still sleeping Hmm
I would have been furious if he'd have been sick out of the window, that's vile and especially with a baby in the room.