my son is 48, but totally lost

[dunnowhatsbest]

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

This is all very strange ,yes some women si make it hard for men to see their children my dh Ex did and subsequently I have never really been part of his dd life that said his dd is now 15 and able to say herself that she wants to see dh and her two brothers my ds,s so she does when she wants I, m now the main person she contacts when she wants to see them and slowly she's meeting all.our family mothers can only make contact difficult for so.long not 27 yrs and at 48 your sin should sort himself out ,shit happens to people my child was born with disabilities we lost our home ,I couldn't really stay at work due to ds,s disabilities but as an adult I sorted out another home through a housing association applied for all the benefits we were entitled too and life's good again .

Love how you phrase it -

Even before he started working, a divorced older woman became pregnant

Like the two parts of that sentence are unrelated. Christ. Ffs say it how it is -

Even before he started working he made a woman pregnant

Or

Even before he started working his partner and he were expecting their first baby

But what you've written shows why things are the way they are. Your poor baby was never to be responsible for anything. It was always someone else's fault. Someone else to pick up after him. And that's what's landed him here.

Thank you, dogdrifts. Got it!

Stop enabling him. He is an adult, and adults manage their money well to support their children and themselves.

Apologíes, I didn't notice there 4 pages of comments (back to RTFT)

@gabilan! Haha this :D

I recall when I was younger (despite having inheritances on and off) I spent money like water, some money from the inheritances went towards paying off loans (I was badly paid at a few jobs) but after a while my mum got tired of me complaining and having to bail me out... So she finally put her foot down and said no!

It was at that stage (late 20s) that I moved back home for about 2 years to save for a mortgage, got one, but guarantor, had hefty deposit in form of deposit and saving hard and then once I inherited more money (all from GPs and one great uncle) I used this to save a lot (and not touch it) and pay off a huge chunk of my mortgage.

But I went through the behaving like a brat and not taking responsibility until my mum (though she could've bailed me out time and time again) put her foot down.

Your son needs to step up, grow a pair and get a job, any job. Of course his sister is sick of him she's supported him whilst he's obviously saved nothing or planned nothing despite him knowing his visa would run out, I'd be furious personally if I were her!

Also your son needs a frank son with his DS and no more funding the masters. I know two people one late 20s and one late 30s both doing masters. One was funded by parents and various jobs, but mostly loans, parents etc. he is now being told after this no more masters you need to get a job. To be fair before he started doing this one he did try teaching and applied for civil service both of which were unsuccessful. The other is a woman who has loans and probably parental help. She works though, is an invigilator at exams and also works at polish cultural centre in London twice a week.

Also finally I know of a few people (women) who haven't got their shit together at certain ages (40s) re housing etc in London. (Single mostly) and one is just within reach of housing ladder through renting through help to buy she saved 30K for a deposit then flat prices in London became astronomical!

I consider myself very lucky that I not only saved but did it when I did and got the mortgage as I highly doubt I'd get a flat now in current London market! Same with SIL and Her DB though who also got a guarantor mortgage young with inheritance as help for deposit.

Oh so to put it bluntly no help. Learn to say no. Cut contact for a while if necessary. After a while he'll be forced to survive etc. and cover your ears to any sob stories.

I'm 46 a lone parent to an 8 year old, work, rent a house, run a car all on my own. I get tax credits etc but otherwise its just me runnning our life.

Why can't he get a job, rent and be an adult. Why is he still paying for his adult son?

You do not have to provide him with anything, time to get tough I think!

I don't understand. In all the 27 years, apart from the first few months, has your son been paying for your GS without ever seeing him? Ever? Or has he been able to see him? Because if it's the latter, why haven't you been able to see him too? I don't understand why you only saw him the day he was born.

Has your son been in Maui ?

How sure is he that he IS the father? This ex sounds like a manipulative nightmare.

OP, it's good that you are going to lay it on the line to him. When you do, be very watchful for distraction tactics. Do not be rushed. Decide in advance on what you are willing to do for him, and stick to that. If he starts making excuses, let him burble on and then repeat your terms. If you find yourself getting confused as he introduces masses of non sequiturs and ancient history into the conversation, don't feel you have to reply to it. Just say "that is irrelevant to me. It is in the past. My terms are x."

Then (this is important) write down your terms and stick it on the fridge. Look at it when you need to. Because I'd be prepared to bet that the above conversation, however well you handle it, will also "go over his head" as you revealingly put it, and he will start behaving as if he got his way and move in with you (or whatever it might be).

I'm sorry to say I think he has been wholly or partially lying to you all his life.

To those saying that it's unlikely that a Masters student would be living on campus let me say that my dd is sharing halls with two post grads. As one can't get student finance for Masters degrees many unis do offer remaining student accomodation to post grads once all first year under grads have been allocated. However, it's appalling that your ds is still having to finance his ds through a Masters at 27! What has he been doing since graduating some 5 or 6 years ago? Or, if his delay in studying for his Masters is a result of his delay in going to study for his first degree, what on earth did he do between school and uni? Clearly not what most folk do; work to save enough money to fund a two year Masters degree!
It's time for your ds to stop enabling this entitled young man, almost certainly a direct result of being raised by his equally entitled mother, and concentrate on putting his own financial house in order as time rushes inexorably towards his own old age when he may well be unable to work!

The British Legion might be able to signpost you OP. support.britishlegion.org.uk/app/answers/detail/a_id/383
Having worked with families in all sorts of straits I have found the ones that are honest and realistic with themselves and all authorities get on best. Even when they find themselves lost sometimes.

I don't mean to stir the pot further, but can he be sure he's even his biological son?! The mother sounds a greedy grabber.

OP I feel for you. And suspect the responses here would have been different if the child in question was a daughter who had been manipulated by a money-grabbing man.
I worked with a men's charity once on domestic abuse materials and there are men who have been driven to suicide because their abusive partner has used their child against them. We don't know that's what went on here but it is a possibility.
It's also very easy to judge when you're not in that situation - wonder how others would deal with their 21 year old son getting a manipulative older woman pregnant. The truth is you don't have a lot of control but it is vital to get legal advice.
Agree with previous posters that it is now about damage limitation, getting him to stand on his own two feet and stop supporting his son.

And I too hope he had a DNA test...

If the mother was on benefits then the child would surely have been eligible for a bursary to attend this private school and grants, or bursaries to attend university.

If all you say is true, OP. I think it's time for your son to stand on his own two feet, and for your Grandson to also learn some financial responsibility. I would ask you to look at your own life when you were 48. Were your parents subsidising and taking responsibility for your life choices? I doubt this was the case. Your son has the opportunity to make a new start in life. When he returns, I would imagine the first thing he wants to do, after seeing you and his father, is to go and see his son. Why don't you suggest accompanying him?

I wish you all well.

You gave him education and support, an older woman got pregnant (it takes two to tango) you have given him money seemingly whenever he asks for it, when has he ever stood on his own two feet. When he comes home (and he needs to be told this in NO uncertain terms BEFORE he arrives home) he presents himself at the local council office as homeless and unemployed. He then registers himself as available for work. Then he works and he saves and he gets himself out of the hole entirely of his own making.and while he's in whatever awful hostel the council puts him in he can reflect on the life of Riley he's lived so far.
Oh and do NOT under any circumstances offer to put him up "for a few days" while he gets settled - a few days is never that.
You are NOT helping him by helping him

Where are u living. And Why cnt your son go to Job centre for help. They help people to get work even those who've never worked before. And for his son let him tell the son that he cant pay his degree course because he's jobless morever there"s student finance even for college students.

It seems clear that your son has allowed his whole life to be moulded by other people.

I've met people like that before, and no, they aren't victims of fortune, or a tragic hero who's life has been tragically limited by the evil villains who appear at every stage.

In my experience, they are deliberately weak and abdicate every decision or action in favour of forcing others to be in control. Then whine about their hard luck story, and wait, wait, wait until someone steps in and 'saves' them.

I'm afraid I find this deliberate weakness and manipulation rather revolting. It's also a very effective way to control everyone. And to get everyone making 'special exceptions'.

It sounds like your son, and you, are rooted firmly in the past, and far too busy laying the blame at the villainous divorcee! Your son may feel like he's been a hostage to fortune, forced to squander all life's chances and terribly, terribly badly done to. But it's just Not True. The reality is he's made bad life choices, refused to take responsibility for his own career, finances or future. The only one he should be blaming is himself. It's quite frankly ridiculous that he's behaved in such a pathetic and self sabotaging way not just once, or twice, but his whole life. It seems that whenever he could have made an informed and positive choice, he's done the exact opposite and justified his bad decisions and actions by a whole load of sob stories. He doesn't appear to have the gumption to even get advice from the whole range of different organisations and institutions that could have helped him at the various points in his life. Instead of finding facts, he's just flopped about in half-truths, gossip and supposition.

Sorry, it's probably not very nice to read such an unflattering perspective on your son. But at 48, there isn't really an excuse for this kind of behaviour. And I think you are right to be worried about him deciding that life with Mummy will be just the ticket.

I'd point him in the right direction at various sources of information and support, then let him get on with it. I'd certainly not let him stay with you, as you'll never get him out once he's dug his little heels in. If you can afford it perhaps give him a months rent money, or rent a small bedsit for him for one month only. What he does with that months help is up to him, but most people would focus on getting a job. I suspect he will put most energy into whining and blaming people, but maybe he will get himself organised after no help comes to save him from himself.

Good luck.

The problem with saying he should claim benefits etc is that after 4 years abroad and not paying NI he's going to be hard put to claim anything. The welfare state is so ravaged, and we've so willingly adopted the rhetoric about scrounging, that there's not much left.

I think the op's in a very difficult position. Her son's been dependent for half a century. Change will be very tough for him. She could help him to help himself but that will require a change in her behaviour too.

First is the future has not happened yet. You can't control your son, you can manage yourself. If you do want to help your son, guide him towards debt advice services, temporary hostels for men (few) and employment services. You might want to let him use your address for post but this may bring complications.

If his work visa has expired get him to check how long needs to be out of the country before being able to return to working with your daughter - subject to her being okay with this.

Also suggest you get ongoing support/advice from the likes of Silverline and AgeUK.

All the best

My parents did this with my brothers, Molly coddled them and always provided a safety net for them financially, and via a roof over one of their heads when he got divorced.
They constantly lent them money but did not ask for it to be paid back (giving my brothers an appalling sense of entitlement! None of them have any honour, don't even OFFER to pay them back)
What annoyed me most was that they both moaned like mad about them all to me behind my brother's backs, in the hope I will be the bad guy and say someone as neither of them want to be the 'bad guy'.

Sorry my love, but you need to do the best for your son, and that involves pulling the safety net away NOW. He's 48' not 18.
If you know you do not want him there you have to tell him he cannot live with you and your husband. You need to look after yourselves and enable him to learn to look after himself.

The Grandson sounds like he could grow up the same.
Life is tough. You don't get to do a Masters on Daddy's bankroll if Daddy has no bloody money and is getting to his hocks in debt over it. (Sounds like he is passing on the bad habits you have taught him)

If you let him move in he will never move out.

On the other hand, is there any benefit to him living with you (could provide invaluable help if your husband's health fails?)

You sound like you know it would be a drain on you, so toughen up Mamma, and push your bird out of the nest! You will NOT be helping him grow up and take responsibility for himself if you provide him with yet another crutch.