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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:

smile8 · 16/05/2016 16:19

Well done for making a great decision...this is going to help your son no end.

If he is scared then the unemployment people will support him into work and he will get emergency housing near to you if that helps maybe? May be a bedsit but much less for him to worry about. and look after so he can focus on getting work and even buy a new home....there is a 0 deposit mortgage available now for people with no deposit as long as some family member puts £18,000 in a deposit account which will stay there and work on the basis of an ISA so you or who ever will be earning money from it . I think Barclays bank have just bought this out.

Also ..always buy a lottery ticket as you never know!!

He must claim jobseekers using his previous national insurance contributions ..they will be able to advise , so I don't think it will matter that much if he has been abroad for 4 years as long as he paid his contributions prior to this episode or working abroad which many people do.

Citizens advice is also good to use.

Porch light also.

You can always draw up a tenancy agreement and charge him rent say £100 per week so you do not feel you are supporting him.

With the right support your son will get back on track and I feel all will be well.

I hope you start to sleep well again and your husband is fully recovered.

runnerselbow · 16/05/2016 16:58

Good suggestion smile8 re the tenancy agreement!

GDarling · 16/05/2016 19:26

Gabilan
My cousin was living with her boyfriend for 4 years, in his house, he paid for everything, (that's the way he wanted it as his business hours were all over the place and he didn't want her to be at work on his time off)
Then after they split up, she went to the benefit office and told them the truth and she was given help.
He might have to give his last P60, but it can be from years ago.

Just5minswithDacre · 16/05/2016 19:43

GD being out of the country has a specific relevance to benefit law and rules. Quite a different situation from being a kept woman (about which there are no rules). It's not just about NICs.

Gabilan · 16/05/2016 20:52

GDarling I think the key thing is that your cousin told the truth and so got help. The DWP can be a bunch of utter bastards a bit tricky to deal with. There really is no point in leaving out large parts of your employment history.

smile8 · 17/05/2016 13:20

Benefit laws I am not sure of, but do you not think that if it were an EU country he was working in he should still be ok???

KittyKrap · 17/05/2016 13:32

You're frustrated with you son, I'm sure that this evil, money grabbing divorced older woman was probably just as frustrated? It seems that everyone has blamed those around him for his failures.

Clandestino · 17/05/2016 13:49

This reply has been deleted

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runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 13:53

@clandestino agree on the first point about contact, but on the second point - people do master's at all sorts of ages and 27 certainly isn't unusual.

Clandestino · 17/05/2016 13:57

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Pisssssedofff · 17/05/2016 14:01

I don't know, my ex husbands 70 year old parents basically funded his gap year last year, whilst he lived abroad with nothing but their financial support

runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 14:20

@clandestino as far as I know, in the uk a full time masters is either 1 or 2 years, and off you go. Know in some countries you can eke it out but don't think that's generally the case here. Many people work for several years before pursuing a masters so not necessarily a case of studying continously for years and years. But who knows what the case is here. Don't know if that was what you're getting at.

runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 14:23

Lol... just made me think of a German friend from some years ago who was writing his masters at around the age of 27/28. At some point he was complaining about his parents and told me seriously he was thinking about living independently. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing!

Just5minswithDacre · 17/05/2016 14:38

Clan it's quite usual to work for a few years between undergrad and postgrad. Until this coming September there has been no statutory loan system to help finance Masters degrees and most postgrads pay their own fees (which are higher than is typical in Europe). So a large proportion work, save and get relevant experience before resuming education.

There's really nothing at all odd about doing a masters at 27 (and no need to troll hunt).

runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 14:47

Exactly what I was getting at but explained much better Just5!

fatandold · 17/05/2016 14:52

OP I can sympathize with you. My brother age 52 returned from overseas 2 years ago with nothing. My mum accommodated him until he "got on his feet". He is still there having done NOTHING to find a job or other accommodation. I recently spent 3 hours with him writing his CV and giving him career advice (I am good at this stuff, and my stepdad asked me to out of exasperation). DB was so negative about his prospects that it was clear he has no intention of looking for work. He has a disability, which when I asked what it was exactly (I know he has joint probs) , was told that he doesn't sleep well at night and gets tired during the day so cannot see how he can work. FFS I have managed on 4 hrs a night for the last 2 years (baby) and work full time!!! Also there are discrimination laws to protect him and his job is fucking sedentary. He spends 18 hrs a day on his computer at home playing games and his job history is in IT. So a job would be no more physical effort.

My mum seems content to let him help her in the house as her health is failing. Step-dad however says he does bugger all and is at the point of strangling him or leaving.

Thing is, I totally understand my mums decision to let him move in. I'm a mum too and would always want to be there for my kids, however old they are. It's just a frustrating situation all round.

Maybe your DS deserves the benefit of doubt? Perhaps unlike my DB he will be motivated and willing to find a job and a room if you give him an initial safety net? Maybe you can give him chores to earn his keep? Shopping, decorating, cleaning, gardening, weeding, all those things that you and DH might find difficult? Once he can claim benefits maybe he could get housing Benefit for rent? Perhaps you could not give him too easy a ride whilst not abandoning him when he needs you? I'm probably just too soft.

For the PPs saying don't help him, It's easy to be hardline about it when it's someone else's life. I truly feel for you OP.

Just5minswithDacre · 17/05/2016 14:56

Sorry runner I had the page open so long I completely cross posted with you

Clandestino · 17/05/2016 15:00

There's really nothing at all odd about doing a masters at 27 (and no need to troll hunt).

It is odd when we are talking "pressure to finance studies" etc. like the OP is describing. Putting off finishing your studies isn't odd. In this context it's just strange.

Just5minswithDacre · 17/05/2016 15:12

Who says he put off finishing anything?

He probably got to 25 and said "hey dad an MA would really help me get a promotion/tweak my career path, can you help?" and the Dad meekly put his hand in his pocket, as he seems to have been conditioned to do.

dailymaillazyjournos · 17/05/2016 15:17

Really glad you've emailed him Dunno. This way you can lay your cards on the table before he comes back and he will know where he stands in terms of your support.

You are doing the right thing. It's time to put yourself and your needs first.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 17/05/2016 15:23

I think you are making a very healthy decision for your 48 yr old son and you.

The way you explain his decision making makes it sound utterly exhausting for you! He sounds ridiculous, pig headedly self sabotaging himself over and over again with this stubborn martyrdom... Which is neither required nor received with thanks. Whatever he pretends. Utterly bonkers!

His whole life seems to be one massive 'I told you so'.

I wonder if he feels his whole life was destroyed by the wicked witch who was a meanie when he was an ickle boy (a grown adult and fully responsible for his own decisions). And has therefore stubbornly acted out this belief, making bad choice after bad choice, ignoring all the opportunities he's had, and the official procedures and legislation that would have helped him resolve things as an adult. All so he can say 'wahh that nasty lady ruined by life', and the perfect defence so that he never has to change or take responsibility for himself is the martyrdom excuse of 'look, I did it for my son' ... 'It' being the incredibly bad choice.

This middle aged man appears to have got stuck in toddler/ teen mode. That self sabotaging tantrum which means they sit in a corner screaming so they miss the party, then cry all night because they missed the party.

At 2 yrs old, or even 13 yrs old, you can feel sorry for a child who gets themselves into that state, and then they learn that what they've done is not a good strategy. And control over their emotions is learnt and how to manage their own state of mind, so they pass through the tantrum stage to everyone's relief. For whatever reason, this man is stuck in the 'waaaah' poor me its all gone wrong mode, and as he's lived his whole life making the women around him kiss it better darling, he has made himself a rather dysfunction and pathetic human being.

Definitely better to make it clear you are no longer going to try and save him from himself. And your daughter needs to do the same.perhaps he will surprise himself and find he can stand on his own two feet, or perhaps he'll carry on the 'woe is me' sabotage to prove that he can't ever be happy cos everyone's mean waah!'. Who can tell. But it's very important that he stands or fails as an independent adult.

I suspect he'll find another woman to swoop in and rescue him, so he can stay in toddler/teen mode forever - but I'm cynical like that!

WriteforFun1 · 17/05/2016 15:28

OP I will be interested to know how he replies

what's his situation like re friends etc, in terms of someone to stay with while he looks?

I agree with posters who think there might be some undiagnosed learning difficulties

the other possibility is that he just thinks you will keep bailing him out

one of the issues is that breaking that habit after 30 years is going to be really hard, not just for you but for him as well. If he takes a really long time to get work etc I wonder what he will live on. I don't think you should continue to support him, but It think you should be prepared for a lot of resentment because to him it will seem a shock after you've done it for 30 years.

runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 15:42

Second Just5 once again!

runnerselbow · 17/05/2016 15:53

I know this is a bit of a side point so don't want to derail the thread, but waiting for several years and gaining experience in your chosen career before embarking on a masters is not only 'not unusual', it is widely considered to be a very wise strategy. Indeed, many people enter the workplace without even pursuing a degree first (shock horror). There is really nothing odd about this point at all. If the father had disposable income and was in a position and willing to offer some form of short term financial support this is also fair enough (although obviously at 27 studying a master's it is reasonable to expect to finance it yourself). What's out of place here is that the father is using it as an excuse for his own dire financial situation. If he can't afford it why is he financing it. But then that is exactly the OPs frustration from what I gather!

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 17/01/2021 06:57

Did this ever get resolved? @dunnowhatsbest

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