Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 16:03

houseshare's don't care about credit checks as much. It's more about finding a housemate the other housemates like. But noone will wanna houseshare with someone whose mum sorts it out for him so it'll have to be off his own bat. There are cheap weekly rate b'n'bs while he finds one.

But really, it should be him looking for these options, not you

WhatsGoingOnEh · 14/05/2016 16:03

And OP, I think it's time your son put his foot down towards all these educational fees. Say no. A masters, FFS.

LogicalThinking · 14/05/2016 16:04

What a strange situation. The divorced older woman "became pregnant" and decided to live on benefits while your son paid for his son to go to private school. During this time, you paid to support your son. Your son still continues to support his adult son, but is himself penniless. You no longer wish to support your son.

Have you tried having a conversation with him about this rather bizarre arrangement?

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 16:06

the reason he went abroad was ,
*firstly he was made redundant twice, and his sister could offer him employment, with the hope of reducing his school fees debts.

  • secondly despite seeking employment he was simply increasing his debts.
OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 14/05/2016 16:06

OP yes he has made very poor choices and I think he needs to step up now
Is it the case that his sister doesn't want him there now rather than there be in issues with visa renewal?

He must not pay more towards his son who is now also an adult well into that stage of life
If he can get a job then he can get somewhere to live, as a lodger probably

runnerselbow · 14/05/2016 16:06

This is bizarre. He's 48???! If he needs money for a deposit perhaps lend him that and work out a repayment plan. Loads of private landlords do not run credit checks. It needn't stop him getting a flat or room. If he doesn't have a job yet he can sign on.

NonnoMum · 14/05/2016 16:06

Presumably your grandson will graduate soon with an excellent education and job prospects? He can't be on campus forever.
Your son lives with his son.
Sorted!

liberatedwine · 14/05/2016 16:07

He's 48. The older woman didn't magically become pregnant for a start, although kudos to him for supporting his son. However he needs to take responsibility for himself. If you weren't around, he would have to manage, find himself somewhere to live, a job.

Give him a set limit of time he can stay with you, I would suggest 28 days. In that time he has to find employment and accommodation. Maybe he could get a live-in job in a hotel for the summer season.

Don't worry yourself into the ground. He's an adult. Let him be one.

MrsDeVere · 14/05/2016 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 14/05/2016 16:09

Very odd, I know its a bit late now but why on earth didn't he get some decent legal advice on access to his son and reasonable maintenance? Confused He was basically allowing himself to be blackmailed!

I would have a chat with him about your concerns however it might be that he needs to stay with you until he has at least secured a job and then could start looking for somewhere else to live.

runnerselbow · 14/05/2016 16:10

Also - why is he financing his son's masters course if he can't even afford to look after himself? This makes no sense.

dailymaillazyjournos · 14/05/2016 16:11

You have supported your son all his life and now it's time for him to sort things out himself imo.

The problem is, is if you know you can always fall back on your parents, then it increases the chance that they will fall back.

I would put yourself and your needs first now. You have done way more than most parents. I think you need to talk to him now, before he returns and let him know that you just aren't in a position for him to live with you.

He has to take responsibility for himself because it is totally unfair and unrealistic for him to still be totally dependent on you unless he has special needs of course, and is unable to. It's OK to say no.

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2016 16:11

An MA only takes two years if you do it part-time. If he wanted to start it at 26 that's hardly your son's problem. I don't know any MA student who'd live on campus. Do you think you're being strung along here, OP?

glassgarden · 14/05/2016 16:13

I wouldnt let him move in with you, once he's there it will be very hard to get him to leave and you may end up cooking and cleaning for him

suggest he gets a house share

ilovesooty · 14/05/2016 16:14

I wouldn't have him over the threshold. He's an adult and it's time he started behaving like one and time his family stopped enabling him by blaming his ex for the poor life choices he's made.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 16:15

firstly he was made redundant twice, and his sister could offer him employment, with the hope of reducing his school fees debts

Well he's chucked that back in everyone's face hasn't he by making another bad choice i.e. funding a masters when he has nowhere to live! Your grandson can get funding and/or a loan for a masters, he doesn't need to pay it up front in cash.

And he can't blame his ex for this one as the "child" is an adult

Your son is continuing to make bad choices and have you and your daughter pick up the pieces only for him to go on to keep making the same bad choices..

.. do him the biggest favour yet, and do nothing this time!

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 16:17

no credit history here he would be unable to get a rental property , he is penniless anyway.

Not strictly true, as tenancy checks only search for adverse public data.

However, why not get him on your electoral roll promptly and encourage him to apply for a SIM only mobile contract and basic bank account, all of which will help him to build a credit file in the space of a few months.

Advice on benefits (he is coming from outside the EU?) and potentially public housing would also be useful.

Could you stipulate that he can spend 6 months with you but no more?

When did he last work?

littleGreenDragon · 14/05/2016 16:19

Are you sure he is planning to stop with you?

I ask as my parents have a habit of working themselves up worrying about situations of expectations from us their children and others.

Often we have no idea because they don't ask our plans, (and I absolutely sure sometime we have told them but they haven't taken them in due to the focus on their fears) which always in my case and mostly in my siblings don't involve or factor them in at all.

Ask him what his plans are and make it plain you can't accommodate him. He is an adult it's his job to make alternative plans.

Petal40 · 14/05/2016 16:20

Oh I'd love to do a masters.....perhaps my parents will pay for it.....error no because I'm an ADULT....at 27 so is yr grandson.....yr son and grandson need to grow a pair....each.what a stupid man yr son is....paying for private school he couldn't afford...I've no respect for someone who willingly puts themselves in that situation.im sure the grandson is laughing all the way to the bank..no wonder yr son is single

DoItTooJulia · 14/05/2016 16:22

Do you see your grandson?

bishboschone · 14/05/2016 16:22

Has he actually seen the boy in 4 years ? Or have a good relationship with him? If not then what has he got to lose by stopping paying ! What a mess!

kateandme · 14/05/2016 16:22

I know it must be so difficult for you all. with love nothing comes easy in having to make such decisions. you need to push them along but they need you. you need to scream at them for all they're doing wrong but in there own way they are doing what they think at that moment is right. you need be rash but kind.
but the thing is love is tricky. but its all the better for jhaving it. imagine if a human being not your son had his life but without the love and kindness your family and you have shown him. what a devastation that man would be!! so eay or not I thankful for love you have in him.
I can toffer much advice.

there is accomadation help he could get. not easy but if he stands strong there can be benefits like income support etc.

I think one thing he must do his sit with his son who should now be old enough to not listen to manipulations if they come and know that his dad has done all he can and HAS TO STP[ the currnt funding. because how could his son ever want his dad out on the street or in the strife hes in. let them have a man to man talk. it wont help him in the end he needs to see someone in his dad to look up to. funding a masters wont get that if hes penniless and miserable.

could you sit with him.it doesn't need to be confrtontational if you don't think that would work in your family. could you say "Right son lets sit go through this together. sit with computer.see what accomadtion he might be able to get ,benefits. support for searching for a job. setting up a email specificily for looking up jobs and you could both keep alookout for that.
going to see the council seeing what they can offer house wis.
can he get a job doing checkout,local store etc and still look for something hed rather do.anythign to help him feel successful or like hes achieving or earning his own keep.

MAINLY PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELVES. tell your son you love him but you need to be there for yourself and your hubby too especially at the minute.
you all sound wonderful to be there for him.
everyone has had lots to say against him. but hes 48 yes and with nothing!! how degraded must he feel in himself already. he'll now the choices have been wrong hell no the spireal hes set for himself. and it may seem impossible to get out of which leads the cycle to start again of bad decision making.
don't give up.
your love and help seem wonderful and id say hes lucky.
big hugs.

glassgarden · 14/05/2016 16:22

presume he knew that his visa was about to expire, did he not make any plans
or was his plan just 'arriving at Gatwick airport, with a suitcase' and falling on your mercy?

obviously you care about your son (even if he has been a plonker) and it would pain you to see him suffering and homeless, but it's just not on to do nothing to help himself and then just land on you and make your life unhappy

kateandme · 14/05/2016 16:24

oop.s if he does have to live with you and you and ur hubby could manage would you be able or like to get away for a few days. tell your son whislt away he needs to make some junctions and show you what he has in place to change things or at least how he can get sometignanythingpositive done.
this way youll have a deserved break and your out of eacohter way forme ease in pressure?
might not be feasible but just a thought.even as silly as it sounds you go out to see your daughter?xx

memyselfandaye · 14/05/2016 16:25

He needs to have some work lined up before he comes back.

If hes penniless how will he afford to rent anywher? Can he even get benefits after living abroad?