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Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 17:53

I know for sure that my son paid the school fees for his son from the age of 3 yrs, through uni and now the masters.

I was in business at the time my son became a father.
his girlfriend was penniless/workless and homeless.
she said she was pregnant and I stood by her.

by the time she would have been 4 months pregnant, in fact she was only just 2 months, unless she had an 11 month pregnancy.

then she said she wanted a private birth/house and full financial support.
she was holding me to ransom as well as my son.

he moved out to be with her, but as soon as their child was born she threw my son out, moving on to other men over the years who were financially secure.
that was why she refused to allow me to see my grandson ,because I didn't finance her lifestyle request.
there has never been any contact.
I am pretty certain my son hasn't told his son how difficult it is financially.

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 17:54

silver, have another read.

I am not the poster 'benefits bashing.'

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 17:56

Dunnowhatnext, your GS became an adult NINE YEARS AGO.

what's happened since then is not all the ex's fault.

Your GS is taking money from his father who as a result is being supported by you and DD (or so your DS is telling you)

your GS and son are both adults.

FOR GOODNESS SAKE stop blaming the woman, the two men are adults

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 17:59

If you're not in contact with your GS now, its because your GS doesn't contact you. he's an adult

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 17:59

Even accepting the woman is a complete horror, your DS's reaction was his choice. His life is his responsibility. Not purchasing things you can't afford is Finance 101. She hasn't singlehandedly authored his downfall. He should have stood up to the unaffordable demands and sought a contact order 20+ years ago.

However, all that matters now is what he does NEXT.

PinguForPresident · 14/05/2016 18:01

On the contrary, he's apparently always worked and earned enough to see his son through private school and through nearly a decade of university ...

A decade of university? but you said he's doing a Masters. A Masters would be your 4th year of Uni, 5th if you did a sandwich degree maybe. At a decade of Uni you'd expect a PhD and some postdoc stuff.

Someone here is lying.

Moonlightceleste · 14/05/2016 18:02

Something definitely isn't right here. I did my masters and PHD straight out of my undergrad and it was horrifically expensive. I had a scholarship and the rest I paid for myself through working part time. There was no way I was expecting my father to support me, and that was knowing he could afford it! What did he do between his undergrad and now that means his father has to fund him?!

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/05/2016 18:03

Your first post said over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore. Now it's she threw him out as soon as the child was born? Confused

Woolyheads · 14/05/2016 18:05

I'd have him home. None of the bills will go up with an extra person, except food. So then I'd see if he can find enough work to cover the extra cost of his food.

Vaara · 14/05/2016 18:09

Sounds to me like you've enabled him for years and at least partially created the problem.

Time to cut the apron strings. Which you should have done 30 (!) years ago...

silverpenny · 14/05/2016 18:09

kate I quote you : "whatever his others faults may have been, has never 'scrounged off the dole.'"

Nice view there that anyone who in on JSA for whatever reason is "scrounging" - how was your copy of the Daily Mail today?

liberatedwine · 14/05/2016 18:09

Wait a minute, let me get this straight. You have only ever seen your grandson ONCE the day he was born? Why? Why over the past 27 years, have you not initiated any contact with him?

If there has been no contact with the boy and his mother, are you absolutely sure your son has really been paying through the nose for private education? This may have all been an elaborate ruse to persuade you to provide your own son with living expenses.

There's absolutely no way a 27yo man should be reliant on parental contributions for is continuing education, that is utterly ridiculous.

If my son fathers a child at 21, regardless of the circumstances, I would want to be part of that child's life.

This is all very bizarre. Hmm

IDontBelieveAnything · 14/05/2016 18:12

What a strange situation. Confused

Is there a reason he can't declare himself bankrupt get a minimum wage job (plus evening or weekend work) and then he can rent a room on Spareroom.com

VERY APPROX and depends on location;

Wage - £300 - £400pw Rent - £100pw and no bills.

He 48, he's going to have to work another 27 years probably. You might as well let him get on with it.

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 18:13

yes, he was thrown out within months of the child being born.
she chose to live on benefits.

by then my son had saved enough deposit for a house, (he left college) and was working ,initially she agreed to live together as a family.
but within a couple of weeks, she refused to move into the house, preferring benefits.
so, then he had mortgage costs etc, plus maintenance and so on.
which resulted in him unable to keep the house on and forced to sell.
he could never earn enough to fund the lifestyle she aspired to.

I asked her obviously many years ago, why she didn't work, she replied she likes to see her friends for coffee mornings.
who knows, maybe her son is the same, maybe he will never work either.

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 18:13

silver as I've said, read the thread. I was quoting another poster, hence why 'scrounging' was in quotation marks.

Seriously how dopey do you have to be to be told to read something and still miss it)

amazingtracy · 14/05/2016 18:14

Definitely not the full story. You clearly have a man child on your hands!

My advice is to stop making excuses for him and accept that he and he alone is responsible for state of his life.

Oh- and learn to say no to him!
I would love to hear what your daughters take on this precious man child sibling.

Chippednailvarnishing · 14/05/2016 18:14

she was holding me to ransom as well as my son

Or she was expecting your son to provide for his child.

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 18:16

OP all that is ancient history, really it is. He needs to look forward.

P1nkP0ppy · 14/05/2016 18:18

And you have done your best; it's over to him now!

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 18:19

C'mon OP he's not a baby/child now, and hasn't been for 9 years. If your DS is funding your DGS then that's an agreement between two adult men. You seem unable to give them any credit or responsibility and keep bringing it back to the historic stuff with your DGSs mother

what about the last nine years????

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/05/2016 18:21

So they were together for a period of time (maybe months, maybe two years) yet you only saw your gs on the day he was born. Why? Why did your son not allow you see his child when they lived in the same home? You say she threatened his access so that suggests he had access. So why did he never bring the child to visit? I'll say again it's all a bit odd. Can't help thinking we're getting a version of events that's more than a little skewed...

Chippednailvarnishing · 14/05/2016 18:21

I asked her obviously many years ago, why she didn't work, she replied she likes to see her friends for coffee mornings.
who knows, maybe her son is the same, maybe he will never work either.

What just like your son? Or am I the only person seeing a cycle of behaviour from all of the adults involved - including you OP.

CountryLovingGirl · 14/05/2016 18:22

I feel sorry for both of you to be honest. Your son has really been stitched up by this woman who has strung him along for years with threats and blackmail. He should've sought legal action as soon as that baby boy entered this world and all of this could've been avoided.
I did a BSc and Masters but had to pay myself. Why is the son not paying his own way? I can understand a parent helping out with living costs but the son should be taking on some of the financial burden himself. He is old enough and will probably end up in a well paid career in the very near future. He is an adult. Your son needs to stop supporting him and make him realise what this woman has put him through over the years. She can't threaten him now the child is a grown man. He will form his own opinions of the situation.
I would make sure he gets somewhere of his own to stay and not with you. At 48, he should be looking after himself. He sounds like he has got himself into a rut and can't see anyway out. While this woman continues to control him he won't get out. He needs to stand up for himself.

dogdrifts · 14/05/2016 18:26

Which uni is the dgs at? Is it near you, op?
How often has he seen his dad?

Can you give some idea of your actual contributions? You have been making vague hints - she demanded a private birth, ds has been paying for private school since the baby was 3 etc. But mum say no as she was better on benefits and took up with a string of wealthier men. But it's all quite strange. If ds was made redundant and threw himself on your mercy - when was this? This dgs is 27. Ds was working happily in the media and supporting his child for how long? When he lost his job/ s and starting suffering from depression (or at least hiding bills/ ostrich stuff) and you started subsidizing him, why were you not asking more questions about his relationship with your dgs then? Why were you not looking to build a relationship with your dgs at that point? Why were you not, seeing that your ds was suffering from some MH issues, supporting him through a more formal CSA process? If none of you were seeing the dgs anyway because you had been prevented from doing so since the day he was born, what could this terrible evil witch of a mother hold over you? You weren't seeing the child anyway, so she couldn't restrict any more access?

It just sounds as though you have been beating your son with a stick for years for letting the side down and getting this terrible older divorced woman pregnant, and so have been enabling his failures all the way along in a ridiculous attempt to still prove he is wrong and has ruined his life by this act. If you had given him some decent advice about the CSA and formalizing maintenance earlier, the last 27 years may not have been quite so draining financially or emotionally. (Although I am struggling to believe you have been in any way emotionally affected by the appearance of your dgs - except a vague feeling of irritation towards him and his mother for ruining your ds's life)

But really. Your son is 48. Your dgs is 27. You have successfully managed to not have a relationship with them for 27 years, so I would just carry on in that vein and tell both grown adult men to sort themselves out. They do just seem to be rather a disappointment to you.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/05/2016 18:28

Your son has really been stitched up by this woman who has strung him along for years with threats and blackmail.

Am I the only one having trouble believing this? Older divorced woman sets her cap at 21 year old college student, so desperate to trap him she deliberately gets pregnant, she's stupid enough to think an 11 month pregnancy will go unnoticed and when he can't keep her (this formerly homeless woman) in the lap of luxury she kicks him out and hooks up with a string of other men. All the while holding not just him but his parents "to ransom" by threatening to deny access to the child. The child the GM has only clapped eyes on once through all this time. Oookaaay...