my son is 48, but totally lost

[dunnowhatsbest]

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

1. I saw my grandson the day he was born, but after that his mother told my son, unless she was supported financially I couldn't see him again. that is exactly what happened.

OP, he is TWENTY SEVEN. Stop blaming his mother! You're funding your GSs masters (by supporting your DS who is in turn using that to keep funding the masters) and he never visits?

really?

It might have been up to the mother to facilitate contact (or not) up until 18, but for the past, what? NINE YEARS, this man has been taking money from you via your DS yet doesn't see you

That's all kindsa wrong

Have I understood this correctly? You've not seen your grandson since he was born?? In spite of his dad being involved in raising him? Sorry if I've misunderstood but I'm wondering whether your son has been entirely honest with you...

1 - your answer doesn't make sense. The child WAS supported financially, so even with the fairy tale blackmail, there would have been no reason for you to not see your grandson. Perhaps your own feelings about the divorced older woman who magically became pregnant meant that you weren't that interested in forming a relationship in any case?
5 - 25k is peanuts. He just needs to get a job and chip away at it. Most 45 yo have at least four times that in mortgage debt.

I don't know a single 27yo Masters student who is being funded by their dad.

What sort of visa was he on (and where) that he could work for four years and not then (in the same job) have it renewed again? Is there a reason why he didn't apply for a permanent residency during that period? (I'm thinking of Canada where the temp work permit status has changed a bit over the past couple of years and a fair few foreign workers are having to leave)

He just needs to have a frank chat with his son and if indeed her really is finding him, that obv needs to stop. I'm sure the son will just grin and take it on the chin. All his friends will be living on their own loans or working alongside studying anyway. If he knows his father at all, it will seem utterly incomprehensible to him that he is still receiving money anyway.

He does sound as though as he may have some underlying social or MH issues though (perhaps depression from his redundancies that was never properly addressed). That said, he has managed to function quite well for 48 years. I wonder if his own side of the story would be more like juggling's? He probably feels this is just another step in his grand adventure - back to the UK to see what will happen next!

What did the grandson do for the 6 years between finishing his bachelors degree and starting his one year masters at 27?

Why didn't your son save some money then when he didn't have his Son's education to pay for?

"sick of hearing this bullshit that British workers won't take the jobs"

I'm sick of people who complain that there's no jobs because of immigration, then when I list several local employers I know of who can't fill their posts the same person getting offended that I would suggest they do something so beneath them!

Also, British people in my grandparents day would travel up and down the country for work, these days people are disgruntled if the work doesn't come to them.

There is work. It might not be within a 3 mile radius of your mums job, or your "industry". but there is work.

This is as clear as mud.

Your grandson is 27, so was 23 when his father went abroad. What has your grandson done for work in his life?

Your grandson is 27. It's been a very long time since his mothers threats about withholding contact will have had any punch.

Your grandson chats to his dad so he must know his father's financial position. Does he actually still expect any money?

Why didn't your son go down the normal CSA route when his son was born? Why didn't he access his legal rights to see his son?

Right. This doesn't add up. 27 year olds who want to do Masters do not generally expect their parents to pay. They also wouldn't live on campus (who would want to live with a load of 19 year olds?).

Your son is having you on or his son is having him on. Even if it was true, why on earth would your son agree to this when he knew he had all these financial problems?

I don't believe that a lack of credit history can stop him living anywhere other than your house

someone along the way is definitely not telling the OP the full picture. The money / support / free rent needs to stop, it's all fishy!

Not sure if the Op is going to come back with answers that make any sense of all this but I'm wondering whether there is anything other than her sons word that he has been financing his son all these years. It's all very odd!

so sorry to hear of your dilemma/predicament.

Does your son have a hidden addiction like gambling, alcohol, drugs???

If no then I think you advise him to go to citizens advice bureau and possibly seek medical help. I wonder if he is suffering some unspoken trauma or an undiagnosed mental health problem.

Don't forget men can be the victims of abuse from partners, ex partners and be held almost under a spell by them too terrified to speak up or even know they are allowed to speak up.

I admire your son for paying for his son , there will be many single mums who only received min £10 week maintenance from their estranged partners and relied heavily on benefits and the kindness of their families to help them out financially.

If your son had looked after his child he would have got housing from the council, housing benefit, maintenance from the other ex partner ( man or women) and help with council tax and child allowance and free state education for his child and a lot of help to get back into work himself.

The thing is he did not get any of these things to help cope with life and his child and has sadly struggled especially if he has been on his own.
I have a friend who frankly has never grown up, who worked only part time as her husband provided the posh cars, lived in a lovely 5 bed house, had horses and dogs, all paid for by not a parent but a "parent" husband...I don't think your son needs to be judged , he needs to be understood and helped to cope in an increasingly aggressive and greedy world.

Our family structures and values are being totally eroded by a me me me attitude I feel and that is so so sad.

We are only here for such a short time...really really short, and we are all vulnerable human beings that actually really do care about each other and each others welfare.

Age is a manmade concept anyway.

I know highly skilled professionals' who show the attitude and tantrums of a 2 year old...now that's what I call not growing up to be honest.

As others have said, this doesnt make sense. What on earth has he been doing with his life? I think perhaps a trip to CAB or stepchange would be in order so that someone qaulified can fully assess his situation.

Do not under any circumstances let hom move in and live off you
Pay his deposit and six months tent up front in a house share, then tell him to knuckle down and get his life sorted. It's the only way to force him to become independent. At the moment he neednt bother as everyone else supports him.

Six months rent not tent but it's not a bad idea actually...

if the son is 27, then his father can deal with him directly. I doubt any mother has enuf control to do what this one says she will. In fact it sounds ridiculous.

Exactly, screenshotting!!

Oncethere, is there any reason why the OP's son couldn't take a zero hours contract?? Surely if he is living with his mum, it would be better for him to get a zero hours contract doing labouring, factory work etc than scrounging off the dole/his mum at the age of 48?? He would meet people, fill the gaps in his CV and be able to give his mum some board money when he is working, giving him self respect. As a student, I did plenty of zero hours jobs and I survived. If he does a zero hours shitty job and does well in it, he can get a better one.

People who are unemployed should be honest. Rather than saying, "there are no jobs", they should admit, "there are no 9-5 jobs within walking distance of my house that also give a good pension and a prestigious job title and that I enjoy doing". There are plenty of casual jobs, shift work jobs and manual jobs for those who want them, and any job gives more self respect than being dependent on either another person or the taxpayer. If a job is good enough for a Pole, it's good enough for a Brit.

An older divorced woman became pregnant. Do you mean your son and an older divorced woman made a baby together, Op?

it does sound like he's possibly been lying to you all this time. Do you have proof his son went to private school and that he was actually paying for it? Like a previous poster said it all sounds a bit fishy.

I would not under any circumstances let him live in my house. He really does need to stand on his own 2 feet at this age, no matter what the circumstances.

Not sure if the Op is going to come back with answers that make any sense of all this but I'm wondering whether there is anything other than her sons word that he has been financing his son all these years. It's all very odd

I was thinking this, something is being funded, but I'm not sure it's an on campus mature student masters

From what op has said, this man, whatever his others faults may have been, has never 'scrounged off the dole.'

From what op has said, this man, whatever his others faults may have been, has never 'scrounged off the dole.'

that only has an honourable ring to it if you've never signed on because you'll take any job going and always supported yourself even if it meant doing something shitty

On the contrary, he's apparently always worked and earned enough to see his son through private school and through nearly a decade of university ...

whilst being supplimented by his family!

He could do WOOOFing (is that right?) Free accomodation and food in exchange for organic gardening experience

On the contrary, he's apparently always worked and earned enough to see his son through private school and through nearly a decade of university ...

Obviously he hasn't otherwise he wouldn't be up to his eyeballs in debt and penniless...

It really makes no sense at all.

I do honestly think that the OP has been string along by her son for years tbh.

Oh great kate lets turn this thread into bashing people on benefits