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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 18:32

Your son has really been stitched up by this woman who has strung him along for years with threats and blackmail.

No, I'm sorry, however much I think the OP would like to believe it, I really don't think that its the woman (however unreasonable) who is responsible for all of her DSs and DGSs decisions.

Vaara · 14/05/2016 18:40

I you don't get to 48 with nothing without epically fucking up most stages of your life.

I don't think the son can blame anyone except himself for that.

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2016 18:40

I can't believe that a single parent on benefits would insist on her ex partner funding private school, when it's obvious he would have less money to give her in child support. It doesn't make any sense. There are far more costs to private schools than the fees, too - is the OP saying he paid for those, too? Didn't he know you can go to court and let them decide on access? This just sounds completely barmy to me.

OP, if you're real, tell him to stand on his own two feet.

greenfolder · 14/05/2016 18:41

Sounds more like your son has Beeb milking you and his sister to provide for him under the guise of this grandson.

End it. He has to stand on his own 2feet.

liberatedwine · 14/05/2016 18:43

Am I the only one who feels slightly sorry for the older divorced woman who had a child with this man? Probably hoping for a happy ever after, especially after a failed marriage, only to find the father of her child was a bit inadequate? Totally reliant on his mother for financial support - not an endearing trait in a man of any age to be fair. A mother who has never had any contact with her child, apart from the day he was born. No birthday visits, Christmas visits, holidays, nothing at all.

origamiwarrior · 14/05/2016 18:44

OP: do you think it is possible your son is lying about still supporting his GS, knowing that since you have no contact with him, you have no way of knowing? The story doesn't add up as other posters have pointed out (living on campus aged 27 etc.).

Is it possible that the rest of his 'history' about supporting his son is a lie too?

Your son could easily have facilitated a relationship between you and your GS in the last 27 years but didn't. Maybe it's more convenient to keep you out of the picture, so you're not able to ask difficult questions. Perhaps the 'divorced older woman' has received no support from your son ever.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2016 18:49

Where is your son getting the money right now to support this adult son if he's not working? Am I missing something here? He's been in a foreign country and not working.

What are you afraid of, OP, that you are considering still financing your son and/or his child?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 18:51

OP ring up the accommodation office at the uni, say you are a 27 year old mature student interested in one of their masters courses and you're wondering what your on campus accom options are.

I'm guessing the answer is nil. I'ld put money on it.

DoItTooJulia · 14/05/2016 18:51

Fair play OP, for answering my questions.

You must see that something seems off in all of this. Your son lives with this woman for an amount of time but you didn't see the child, your grandson during it? The 11 month pregnancy. The vagueness around your contributions and his means.

And lots more. Why don't you start a new thread and spell it out more clearly? It'll help you if your thoughts are organised, if you want to work through what has gone on.

If you want to move forward you need to think about the day your son lands and what you want to happen-and work towards it starting now. Talk to your Ds and say what you've said to us. You're in ill health, you're getting older, you don't want him at yours. You want him to get a job. Stop paying for dgs education.

Best of luck.

wizzywig · 14/05/2016 19:03

People keep asking about staying on campus whilst studying fo a masters. I am.

wizzywig · 14/05/2016 19:05

The 'older' woman probably thought that he came from a wealthy background

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 19:08

"The 'older' woman probably thought that he came from a wealthy background"

If so, why? did he son perhaps brag to the olderwoman that he could get his parents to bankroll their lives together???

dogdrifts · 14/05/2016 19:10

Pond, I think he has been working for his sister in said foreign country. But now can't because his visa has expired. Which sounds as though he was on something like a 5 yr work permit and didn't take steps to apply for any sort of more permanent status. And the sister can't jeopardize her own status by employing him illegally. Wherever they are.

dogdrifts · 14/05/2016 19:13

Our local uni has post-grad accommodation. Sort of irrelevant though. Doesn't matter where he lives. Just who he is expecting to pay for it, lol. Mum, dad? Granny?

smile8 · 14/05/2016 19:15

yes woolyheads I would have given him a home too.

I think this man is struggling with maybe an undiagnosed mental health problem I really do.

He may even have a form of autism where it has always been very difficult for him to survive in a society like we have.

what is the mums real honest gut feeling about her son?

I feel there is possibly a lot of deeply sad unspoken stuff that has built up over many years between all concerned and a lot of guilt and suffering is under a lot of these peoples behaviour etc.

I wish them all the very best and hope that they seek some sort of professional support to get them into more positive situations.

The post makes me sad actually more than anything especially if the 48 year old son is an undiagnosed autistic spectrum or similar.

liberatedwine · 14/05/2016 19:23

It is a sad story, and even sadder that the grandmother has had no contact whatsoever with her grandson over the last 27 years. Children are a blessing, whatever the circumstances of their birth, and should be cherished. It's a shame this grandson has a grandmother he doesn't know. Is he even aware he has a grandmother on his father's side?

RedHelenB · 14/05/2016 19:40

Better off on benefits than living with a man who owned his own house? I really don't think so!

Petal40 · 14/05/2016 19:41

Omg.......is the grandchild definately yrs sons child??????...I've a feeling he could of been financing another mans child....could that be why she kept you all apart from each other as she realised you would guess

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/05/2016 20:11

Has your son ever had a DNA done to establish paternity, being as this was an eleven month pregnancy?

Stopyourhavering · 14/05/2016 20:16

why is the father still supporting his 27year old son and why is this son still doing a masters at age 27...
and id also be asking for a paternity test....

wasonthelist · 14/05/2016 20:16

OP not sure what your question is?

timelytess · 14/05/2016 20:36

Irrelevant:
The divorced woman
The school fees/maintenance arrangements/ funding an adult child at university
Your resentment of the above

Relevant:
You are worried
Your husband has been ill
Your son is still dependent on family at the age of 48

Tell your son:
NO
You can't stay with us while you get yourself sorted out
You need to make your own arrangements (don't even 'help' by looking for somewhere for him)
We have no more money for you. Not one penny.
We love you but we are old and can't support financially/with accommodation you any more. Talk to us by phone etc any time (if you mean that. But don't let him into the house in this phase because he'll talk you round and he won't leave).

Wondering:
Does he have learning disabilities, personality disorders, additional challenges that make him as he is? Even if he does, you can't carry him any longer.

I'm sorry. It will be hard. But you have to do this now. You, your husband and your daughter have covered for him for long enough.

dogdrifts · 14/05/2016 20:46

Lol stop, there's no age limit to deciding to do a masters, you know. I'm starting mine at 45 as I've been a bit busy with other things up until now... It's unusual if it's been continuous study from 18, but I'm not sure the op really knows exactly what is going on, notwithstanding how odd it would be to keep handing over dosh for 27 years without finding out...

Gabilan · 14/05/2016 20:49

I lived on campus studying for an MA when I was 25. I've since worked in uni accommodation offices. Often private firms provide accommodation in campus-style blocks. It's aimed at masters students as much as others. Perfectly possible to live on campus whilst doing an MA. I wish people would stop banging on about it as if they're Holmes and they've discovered the clue to Moriarty's whereabouts.

honeyroar · 14/05/2016 20:54

I feel very sorry for you. Your story is along the lines of my parents relationship with my brother. It is heartbreaking when you're involved. My parents are ahead of you in that they don't believe everything that my brother tells them, they know he bends stories to gain sympathy. And money usually. They have had to say no. And mean it. They have been doing this for a good few years now. They don't get to see much of him nowadays, or his children, and we hear that he grumbles about how mean they are.

Your son is the same. You've brought up a greedy, entitled brat. His ex may not have helped, but it was his place to say no and take legal advice. Now his own son has grown up and is pulling the same trick on him. You have to leave them to it now. They have to sort themselves out. Where were they when your husband was ill? We're they involved in helping him recover or helping you with support? How will they help you as you get older, other than eyeing up your money and belongings? You have to say enough is enough. They will survive. It won't be easy, they have to learn a lesson first, a lesson that life is not always easy and you have to find your own road, not expect others to bail you out. You have to live within your means, whether that means a smaller house, a more mainstream education, or even less drink and drugs.