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Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:
katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 16:26

I think I'm reading a different thread to some posters.

'You have supported your son all his life'

Only evidence I can see of this is a plane ticket abroad.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2016 16:27

OK, the past is the past. What he did or didn't do isn't important now. What IS important is that you have enabled him up to this point. And you need to stop. He can work. If he can't find a job in his field, he can flip burgers at McDs or work on a street crew, right? Remember that any work is worth doing and he needs to know that. So don't have him come home to the idea that he'll work up to the level of his education if he has no current CV to back it up. What he needs is an entry level job. He needs to re-learn to show up on time, do his work, and get the satisfaction of receiving a paycheck for it. Because if he's 48, unless he has mental or physical issues, the reason he is as he is is because his self esteem is in the toilet. He's been enabled to the point where he thinks he can't take care of himself.

Take him in (if you want), but give him a deadline. 90 days to find a job, any job, or he's out, our whatever period of time is reasonable where you live based on the job market.

And if you think I'm talking through my hat, I'm not. My son was much younger than yours, diagnosed with PTSD. He was given a timeline and is now working at a good job with great benefits. He's still at home, but is paying rent, and saving a percentage of his wage for deposits, etc and is planning to move out late this summer.

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 16:27

he explained if he stays with me, then he can look for work and his own place.

but, with experience of the past, I fear the future will be the same .

the same as I bailed him out for so long, he is doing the same for his adult son.

OP posts:
insan1tyscartching · 14/05/2016 16:28

If he's returning from abroad he won't get any benefits at all for three months here so you both need to plan for how he will live until then.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 16:28

the same as I bailed him out for so long, he is doing the same for his adult son.

so break the cycle
Just.. stop!
someone has to!

WriteforFun1 · 14/05/2016 16:29

Kate, setting up email alerts and both monitoring them is a terrible idea. It's just underlining that someone will always do these things for him.

He needs to grow a backbone of he didn't say no to funding the son now, as well as before.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 16:29

If he's returning from abroad he won't get any benefits at all for three months here so you both need to plan for how he will live until then

they don't both have to

the son could apply for live in seasonal work in a caravan park/hotel etc in a tourist area now from abroad all by himself

dudsville · 14/05/2016 16:30

My brother's story is very different but he's in a similar financial situation. He makes terrible financial decisions, can't see more than a few days ahead, anticipates things poorly. He's worked but never really earned enough to get on top of things. My father helps him out loads. My brother's nearly 50 and I expect when my father dies I will kind of take over looking after him financially. I wish he had a more fulfilling life but aside from that I don't mind as such. I wouldn't have him live with me though and I think this position must be harder to maintain as a parent. I think it would be harder to be a parent fearing never being independent again than it is to be a sister who lends a hand. Sometimes people don't work things out in life. That doesn't mean, necessarily that they are taking advantage.

WriteforFun1 · 14/05/2016 16:31

RE debts, I hate suggesting this but if you are spared having him...what about if he declares bankruptcy?

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 16:31

maybe you would explain your reply nudeheels, re "only evidence is a plane ticket abroad"?
hopefully you are on the same thread as other posters ,who are suggesting possibilities and constructive advice.

OP posts:
ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 14/05/2016 16:33

www.parkdeanltd.co.uk/recruitment.htm

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 16:34

Well what do you want, OP?

I can see you feel very hard done by but I am uncomfortable with his situation which in its barest bones is enabling someone all their life, sending them off to seemingly leech off another family member and then suddenly deciding at this late stage it's all too much.

I don't want to be snappy and harsh but the whole situation is insane.

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 16:35

declaring bankruptcy is a possible option for him.
I don't believe he is taking advantage, as you say dudsville, it is just his way.
everything has always gone over his head.
but the time has come that he must take full responsibility for his future.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/05/2016 16:35

He should have been saving up and planning for his return. It's not up to you to enable and support him.

If he is without benefits and a place to live why let him even think coming to you is an option?

insan1tyscartching · 14/05/2016 16:36

screenshot by "both" I didn't mean to imply OP should support her ds more that she should be aware that he was coming back penniless without even the possibility of benefits for three months to tide him over and OP needed to be fully aware of that before inviting him to move in.

silverpenny · 14/05/2016 16:36

If has been abroad how has he seen the son for years? The grandson needs to get off his arse as well - either get loans or do it part time - its what everyone who wants to do such a course has to do without private/parental wealth.

dowhatnow · 14/05/2016 16:38

May be you can say he can stay for three months only. Or be a guarantor on a rental property. Can you trust him?

What is his relationship like with his son by the way. Were all the sacrifices worth it?

WriteforFun1 · 14/05/2016 16:40

OP what do you think would happen to him if you weren't around? Also how does your husband - your son's dad yes? - feel about this?

P1nkP0ppy · 14/05/2016 16:41

Everything has always gone over his head ...........for 48 years......
So at what age is he going to grow up and take responsibility for his life?

I'm sorry op but he's a first clas twerp and sponger if he expects you to carry on subsidising his life.

Tell him he's not coming to live with you and to sort himself out. If he comes back to your house I'm prepared to bet almost anything you'll be posting again on here that things haven't changed from when he left 4 years ago.

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 16:41

he speaks to his son via Skype.
I agree he should have been preparing for his return to the uk, but I find that he hasn't at all.
I guess it is easy to judge other's behaviours or choices in life, as parents we can only do our best

OP posts:
ItsJustAnotherUsername · 14/05/2016 16:42

he explained if he stays with me, then he can look for work and his own place

He should be doing that now, before he returns. He has heard of the internet I presume. It's really not for you to sort OP, I understand how conflicted you must feel but you won't be doing him any favours.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 16:42

He must have prospects. He's always worked, yes?

SilverBirchWithout · 14/05/2016 16:43

In the kindest possible way, you need to consider what it is you get out of having such a needy son. Is it the fear that he will not need you or see you anymore if you fail to keep supporting him? It is ironic (as well as telling) that he found himself in a similar situation with his own child.

Take a long hard look at the family dynamic that is happening here. Families do need to help and support each other, but parenting is about enabling others to make their own life decisions and stand on their own two feet. By all means look at ways for him to rent his own place, could you act as guarantors? But ultimately you are not helping him and his self-esteem by always picking up the pieces. Stop making living with you such an attractive option, if he does make him pay a fair share of the household living expenses and make him do his own chores.

Akire · 14/05/2016 16:43

He needs to stop paying for his son if he's 27 great if he could afford it but hardly anyone ever gets fully supported through uni then a masters most people get a job and save or do both the same time. Surely his son would see logic? He's a grown man he's not going stop being in touch with his father if they have developed a decent relationship.

Lets say grandson finished studying this summer surely all this money he has been sending he now has for himself?

If you have been helping him out and keeping on tops of his debt then his credit rating should be fine it shows he borrowed money and this has been paid back, right?

Agree with poster than said most landlords don't do credit checks, there are plenty of private landlords and flat shares that will take you in a character reference with months deposit and rent. He does not have to live with you if this is what you want.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/05/2016 16:44

"everything has always gone over his head."
Can I just ask what you mean by that? I'm unclear.