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Original poster

my son is 48, but totally lost

250 replies

dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 15:17

please help someone.
my son is 48.
he was given an excellent start in life, education and support.

before he even began to work, at 21, a divorced older woman became pregnant, and this was the beginning of events that have led to where he is today.
over the following 2 years he couldn't earn enough to support them, so she decided she was better off on benefits so she didn't "need" my son anymore.

Although he was needed to pay for expensive private education for his son, which she demanded, threatening to withhold access if he didn't or couldn't pay.

he did pay throughout his son's education, which left him in massive debts which he has to this day.

he was made redundant, and searched for suitable employment to continue paying, but was unable to manage to earn enough.

I supported him financially as much as I could, rent/car/clothes.

eventually with everything falling down around his ears, I paid for him to go abroad to live with his older sister, which he has done for the last four years.

but, this is my worry.
my son's visa has expired, and he needs to return home.

he expects to live with me (I am in my mid 70's), and support him.
he is penniless , still has debts, no prospects, no credit history to apply for rental accommodation, no car.
simply the clothes he stands up in.

I don't know what to do.
I haven't been in brilliant health, my husband had a heart attack last year.
the worry of what I can do to help is giving me sleepless nights.
what can I do?

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 14/05/2016 16:44

How does someone who is doing a masters manage to live on campus? Most unis only give accommodation to first year under graduates.

Most kids get part time jobs at uni to help support themselves rather than seeing their parents penniless.

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 16:46

Debts only stay on file for six years after default or successful settlement. The same is true of CCJs. So although the debts will still exist, they shouldn't hinder him too much, credit-file-wise after 6 years.

He's been away for four years already so may have a clean slate by now, or be close to it.

Once he has a small income, he could offer creditors token payments.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 14/05/2016 16:46

Sorry Op but I think you are still making excuses for him. His debts, lack of income, dependence on parents and sister haven't gone over his head at all, he's just become used to all of you sorting his life out for him!

My parents have been doing the same with one of my siblings for bloody years and it does NOT help them it just encourages the entitlement.

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 16:48

OP could you clarify a bit about his work history maybe?

wannabestressfree · 14/05/2016 16:48

I am.sorry son but I can't support you anymore as I need to come home and organize my life....
Could you not talk to your grandson?
I think it would be a mistake to have him home full stop. You sound as if you have had enough. Start as you mean to go on...

Akire · 14/05/2016 16:50

Regardless of mess he's made so far he's 48 so he's got at least 20years plus before he can retire and get a basic state pension and even by then it's be touch and go for those without a private pension. So it is time to get his act together. Unless he's planning on you leaving him your estate and not doing anything for the rest of his life

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/05/2016 16:50

Let him live with you while he gets on his feet BUT make him getting a job a condition of him living with you. Any job!!! There is no reason why a single person with no disabilities or dependants can't get a job, whether its casual labour on a building site, bar work, factory work or cleaning work. There are too many spoilt job snobs around, and your son will become one if you let him make excuses. If all fails, make him sign up to work in a charity shop 5 days a week from 9-5. It doesn't matter what he does, as long as its not scrounging off you.

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 16:55

There is no reason why a single person with no disabilities or dependants can't get a job, whether its casual labour on a building site, bar work, factory work or cleaning work. There are too many spoilt job snobs around,

TBF, there are also a lot of employers who are wary about CV gaps. It's not really clear what OP's son's CV looks like.

6 months of volunteering would help hugely. In fact 6 months of effort would sort many of the problems out. The question is, is he 'a doer ' or is he more at sea for some reason?

Akire · 14/05/2016 16:56

He's been working in sister business abroad so presumably has reference and some skills to show for it.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/05/2016 16:57

Can you answer why he is paying for the sons masters now?
She can't withhold access as he's an adult. Is it about not admitting that he has no money to his son?

coco1810 · 14/05/2016 16:57

OP you are the same age as my lovely mom and dad and I can only imagine the mental torment this must be causing you. I thoroughly understand that as a mom, regardless if your child is 8 or 48, you want to be supermom sorting everything out for them. I can honestly I fully expect to be the same when I am your age.

Recently my financial situation has been precarious due to redundancy etc and my parents would have bailed me and dp out with out a second thought. But why should they? I am 36, DP is 43 and we have two DC and it's our mess.

I want my kids to see that when the going gets tough, you roll your sleeves up and get stuck in. They understand that mom and dad are working over time to sort things out, they also understand that holidays abroad aren't happening in the near distant future but we'll be having a staycation instead.

My point is, you need to say no so that your son in turn teaches your grandson that if he wants something he needs to work for it. That the Bank of Mom and Dad is not an option. Your son should not be funding your grandsons' masters at all.

Please put yourself first. I would hate to think of the despair that you are going through falling on my own parents shoulders x x x

DoItTooJulia · 14/05/2016 16:58

If you want us lot to help/understand you need to answer some questions I think. I'll start with...

  1. Do you see your grandson?
  2. What's your sons work history?
  3. What do you mean it all goes over his head?
  4. What did you expect to happen once the visa ran out?
  5. How much debt? Tens of thousands? Thousands?

Sorry to be blunt, but you can go round in circles going over past decisions. If you want to move forward I think you need to really think about how you approach this with him straight away.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/05/2016 17:02

You do realize that many of your posts are excusing and justifying his behaviour and choices, don't you?

newname99 · 14/05/2016 17:02

It doesn't make sense that he was paying school fees by debt, surely he would have let the school know and they would have offered assistance if the need was genuine.

Can you be certain his debts are from this? If so your son may be trying to live a lifestyle that he simply can't afford.

my BIL is similiar , however I suspect he has ASD, he had however finally managed to find his way. He did need to hit rock bottom, literally be homeless before he realised he had to find a job with accomodation.

It has been the making of him, finally at 50 he has a fulltime job with enough income to fund a normal lifestyle. He has also woken up to retirement looming and is now for the very first time in his life saving. It's a real turn around story but he had to have a low period to finally move out of his peter pan stage.

If your son does not have learning difficulties then you must be firm. He hasn't learnt he is responsible for his own life and he needs to get a wake quickly.

dailymaillazyjournos · 14/05/2016 17:04

I don't believe he is taking advantage, as you say dudsville, it is just his way.
everything has always gone over his head.

It's just his way, I imagine, because he has never had to get to grips with the realities of life, because someone has always stepped in and rescued him from having to.

You say you find that he has done nothing to prepare for coming back to the UK. Again, why should he if he can't be bothered? He knows you will do all the hard work and stump up for him when he arrives.

I agree, break the cycle. Tell him now that living with you isn't an option.. I think if you have him back home initially "While he gets on his feet" - he just won't do that. He will be getting back on his feet till the day you die I suspect, given the chance.

It is bloody hard to dish out tough love as a parent, especially after so many years of him not having to take responsibility for himself financially, but there comes a time, and this sounds like it, that you really need to for your sake and his.

harshbuttrue1980 · 14/05/2016 17:07

There are plenty of jobs where CV gaps aren't a problem. He could sign up with an agency supplying workers for factory, cleaning or labouring jobs. Where I live (SE), people from Eastern Europe come over and get these jobs the first day they arrive because British people think they are too good for that sort of work. No doubt the OP's son will have an excuse as to why he can't do a job like this.

Original poster
dunnowhatsbest · 14/05/2016 17:07
  1. I saw my grandson the day he was born, but after that his mother told my son, unless she was supported financially I couldn't see him again. that is exactly what happened.
2.he worked in the media for many years until the 2 redundancies-with the debts piling up. 3.he would leave unopened bills under the sofa, never to be opened until bailiffs arrived. 4.i/he knew the visa would expire one day, and just expected to come back to the uk, no forward planning. 5.at least k25.
OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/05/2016 17:07

I think one other angle on it all could come from the way you started your OP ... that he had a good start in life but you basically feel he hasn't made the most of things/ has made poor choices since then.

Well he's worked, he's lived abroad, he's helped raise a son who's now doing a Masters. Sounds like he's had quite an interesting life to me?

Do you see his son who's your grandson? I haven't read the whole thread but I've not seen you call him your DGC?

We all have to make the best of life, not just your son?

And basically I do hope that my (now teenage) DC will always feel they have a bed/room here at home in between their adventures out there in the big, sometimes bad or at least challenging, world.

pinkyredrose · 14/05/2016 17:10

Why the hell is he funding his 27yr old sons Masters?

chocorabbit · 14/05/2016 17:11

Sorry, I have only read the 1st page but why did he go abroad? To start earning more money and not have to finance his son? But it seems that he has kept on financing him through his masters' even though he was abroad. When does he think that he will teach his own son to stand on his own feet? Is his son turning the same way, or is it just me? Do you have any contact with your grandson? Does he know who has been supporting financially him during all those years?

Just5minswithDacre · 14/05/2016 17:13

When were the redundancies OP?

Do DS and his DSis have the same surname? (I.e. Is it obvious she's family if she gives him a reference?)

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 14/05/2016 17:15

harshbuttrue people from Eastern Europe come over and get these jobs the first day they arrive because British people think they are too good for that sort of work

Actually, no, they get signed up by agencies whilst still in their home country. Employers like employees with an awful lot resting on their job (ability to actually remain in the country and remain housed etc), so they don't kick up a fuss about pesky workers rights and so on. Also these jobs may be advertised ridiculously far in advance - who looks for that kind of work a year in advance, unless as part of a planned move? I know so many people in precarious employment, or struggling to find work or unable to take on a zero-hours contract because they need to pay the rent - sick of hearing this bullshit that British workers won't take the jobs.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 14/05/2016 17:15

None of this makes any sense at all.

Is the issue the sons poor money management, or the fact he's funding his own son?
He's gone abroad: from what everyone has said it was evident this was going to be a temporary arrangement. Why the angst about it now?

As I have said, I am sorry the OP is upset, however it is uncomfortable to read of someone who has been given a crutch and now, at nearly 50, is having it snatched away.

I wonder what the sons version of events would be.

wannabestressfree · 14/05/2016 17:17

So regardless of supporting him you have had no relationship with your grandson.... at all....

liberatedwine · 14/05/2016 17:17

Just to add what others have pointed out, it is highly unlikely your grandson is living on campus at the age of 27, and doing a Masters. University accommodation is generally only provided for first years. Are you sure your son isn't being made a fool of?

I would encourage him to seek seasonal employment in a seaside resort (which includes accommodation) which will give him time to work out what his next step is. But I would suggest a face to face meeting with his son is in order. for him to explain that he is not in a position to provide any further financial support.

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