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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend's "close female friend"

166 replies

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:37

I'm prepared to be ripped apart, such is the protocol on AIBU, but I'm feeling rather sassy today so can deal.

Been dating a bloke for about 2 months. We had a pregnancy scare resulting from drunkenness, stupidity and my dirty talk that got out of hand (just use your imagination with the dirty talk, I'm not elaborating). I took the Morning After Pill but nonetheless was having a lot of chronic pregnancy symptoms.

BF told the above to his "close female friend" apparently for advice on how to handle me. He showed her my facebook page and some career related stuff so she could get a feel for my personality. She lives in his home country, hundreds of miles away fyi.

Tbh I feel my privacy has been violated. I asked him if he would be okay with me telling a male friend about our sex life and he said "No! Of course not! Men aren't interested in such things". Blatant double standards. His argument is that men don't want to listen about feels (YET in the past this female friend of his confided in him about a miscarriage - how the hell does that work if men don't want to listen about feels?!)

We've only been dating for two months and, although he is highly apologetic, I'm not sure if I want to continue in a relationship with a female BFF hanging around. I've never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it, not sure if I even want to try. One thing I'm certain about is that I am not a person that will whine and manipulate a man to try and dilute his friendship with this woman. I know I need to accept it or bail. I'm tinkering with bail, but I do love this man.

Help!

OP posts:

FutureGadgetsLab · 14/05/2016 11:44

It's not that she's female, it's the lack of respect for your privacy that is the problem.

I wouldn't stand for that.

Original poster

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:48

What would you do FutureGadgetsLab?

OP posts:

FutureGadgetsLab · 14/05/2016 11:50

I'd speak to him about it and depending on his response, I'd either leave or give another chance but be wary.

I'm leaning towards leaving because his sexist attitude is a deal breaker.

Clare1971 · 14/05/2016 11:50

I think he was a bit out of line but you say he's highly apologetic. It's early days between the two of you. Hopefully he will feel less of a need to turn to her as the two of you get closer and if he's sensitive in future about what he shares I don't see a problem. Of course if he runs to her to discuss every aspect of your relationship then that would be a different matter. I have a good male friend who used to be a friend of my DH but now really he's become my friend. We email quite often and phone maybe once every couple of months and sometimes he'll speak to DH but mostly me. My DH doesn't have a problem with it and neither does friend's wife as far as I know. In fact I was witness at their wedding!

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2016 11:52

I don't think you do love him. You might be in love with him but now you're realising his character isn't what you thought it was. If someone was so disrespectful after two months, I'd end it, frankly. It sounds as though he'd be feeding back all the details of your relationship to this other woman - would you want that?

TheWindInThePillows · 14/05/2016 11:53

Given that it is only two months, but you have both managed to have a pregnancy scare and you now say you are 'in love', I think it's completely reasonable for him to turn to his old good friend and speak about it!

That doesn't mean that it would be helpful if she were a constant presence, or if he was always turning to her instead of you, but you have only been on the scene two months, she has been there for years, I would think far less of him if he ditched her or started censoring his conversations.

You can't know how this is going to play out, perhaps there is a story to tell there, but perhaps he's just a normal guy with female friends, my husband has quite a few and he goes out with them, chats, not excessively and never in a way to threaten our marriage, but just as everyday friends who are part of his history.

Original poster

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:53

He's totes sexist, isn't he? I'm a feminist and at first, I was willing to concede cultural differences but now I'm like "meh, when a man shows you who he is, believe him. Then run, fast".

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/05/2016 11:54

I think you need to narrow down your exact issue here.

Is it that he's discussed the pregnancy scare with a close friend? Is it that he's told a close friend details of your sex life, including the dirty talk stuff? Or is it that he has close female friend and you're not comfortable with that?

I don't think discussing the pregnancy scare is necessarily a problem, but it'd depend on what he said and how he presented you. I'd expect that he'd need to talk more about his feelings on the potential pregnancy rather than you. I'd have more of a problem if he went into detail about your sex life because that's a violation of your privacy, and his cop-out answer about men not wanting to talk about sex (WTH?!) shows that he knows that is wrong. Facebook stalking is a red herring, I bet she'd have looked you up at some point anyway.

If the problem is that he has a close female friend and you aren't comfortable with that, I'd bail now. That could be because you don't like it or because you have concerns about how close they are and how much they share. Basically, if you feel like the relationship has three people instead of two, it's not worth it.

If they are all issues for you, I'd bail too, there's too much hassle for a relationship of two months. Whilst the scare will have killed off the honeymoon period a bit, you should still be feeling very enamoured with each other and if there is already stresses and strains, it doesn't bode well.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 14/05/2016 11:54

I have been in a similar situation and I was encouraged to accept that women and men could be fwends without any funny business and I was being terribly old-fashioned. Then 2 days before my wedding I found explicit messages to her containing intimate details of her sex life. I look like I have been crying in all my wedding pics because I had We are still married but the trust is gone.

Do yourself a favour and lose him now if the bff is a long-term fixture. Because she has no respect for your privacy and neither does he.

TheWindInThePillows · 14/05/2016 11:54

Sorry, I missed the bit where he said don't tell a man friend about our sex life. I speak to who I want about what I want, I don't seek to control my husband's friends or him mine, so this would be a deal-breaker for me.

You are not in love, agreed with Imperial, actually you don't know him very well but are besotted. It's not the same thing.

acasualobserver · 14/05/2016 11:57

Right click, delete, open a new document.

Original poster

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:02

AnchorDownDeepBreath it's the whole package. The fact that the friend is female makes it worse because of the sexual nature. Surely if he wants to talk intimate details with a female - I'm the only one that should occur with? I wouldn't dream of telling my male friends intimate details. I talk to them about sci-fi and video games and that's pretty much the remit Remember BF agrees that my telling male friends would be inappropriate. But one rule for me and another for him. WTF.

OP posts:

plimsolls · 14/05/2016 12:09

I am a close friend to some men. I am also female. I think the attitude that a girlfriend is the only female that should be in a man's life is outdated and actually quite controlling. (The same way I would run for the hills if my partner implied he was the only man I was allowed to have as a fixture in my life).

On the whole, I'd say the female nature of a close friend is a red herring unless (1) you personally can't handle the idea of other women not being a threat to you (2) your boyfriend is not trustworthy or (3) this particular individual woman is not trustworthy.

It sounds like you don't know enough about her to judge if she's not trustworthy. If you don't trust your boyfriend, controlling his access to females is not the route to happiness.

Good luck.

silverpenny · 14/05/2016 12:10

If you are having doubts/concerns about anything after a couple of months then move on

plimsolls · 14/05/2016 12:11

(Also, just because you keep your friends of the opposite sex in the "video games and sci fi" category doesn't mean everyone else should segregate themselves as such).

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/05/2016 12:16

His view on what you should talk to your male friends about is worrying and I wouldn't like anyone restricting what I can talk to people about but the flipside is that you're doing that too, by saying any sexual conversations with females should be with you.

Hmm. I don't think it's gonna work between you two. Not just for that, the dynamic just seems faulty and this is too much trouble for two months in. You should still be madly in lust, not working out who is controlling and what conversations you each can have. I suspect he might be rather sexist, too.

Original poster

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:16

plimsolls do they tell you intimate details of their sex lives?

controlling his access to females is not the route to happiness

Totally agree. I have dignity and also really CBA to go down that route.

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 14/05/2016 12:16

After two months?

In his or your situation, I probably would have discussed it with a close friend - and would probably want a male perspective - a suspected pregnancy with someone you'd got together with relatively recently must have been a shock for both of you.

Of course, if it was beyond telling them about your sex life rather than 'oh shit I think Russian might be pregnant' that is different.

That said, his reaction is telling and smacks of double standards.

How much of a 'bff' is she? I have people who I call close friends, and we really were in the past and have shared a lot of experiences, but nowadays we don't have much involvement in a day to day level - the odd phonecall and meeting up once every few months or so. If this was happening at the time of the phonecall or meeting I would probably confide in them about it.

ClashCityRocker · 14/05/2016 12:19

But was it intimate details of your sex life, or was it just that you thought you were pregnant?

Either way, if you have doubts after two months, I'd ditch

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2016 12:22

I'm with you. He's shown you what he's like, if you don't like it, then dump and run.
It's only been 2 months, not that long - get out now.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 14/05/2016 12:24

I wouldn't be bothered by the discussing the scare, or sex life, but would be hugely pissed off by the whole "here's her life story" bullshit and the double standard of not wanting you to talk to a man about it when you tried to discuss that you were upset. The holding you up for evaluation and dismissal of your feelings (regardless of whether anyone else feels the same way, it upset you and he should have appreciated that) would be enough for a LTB from me, honestly.

Original poster

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:30

It sounds as though he'd be feeding back all the details of your relationship to this other woman - would you want that?

It does sound like that, doesn't it? And I'd never know either way.

Sorry to drip feed but I did dump him as soon as I found out. But he won me back with his apology. The betrayal still stings though and I had no idea he was so close to this female BFF until now. I'm seeing him tonight and no idea what's going to happen. Vodka will be consumed and I'm on my period (yay!) so I wouldn't like to be him right now.

OP posts:

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 12:31

Hang on - what are the "intimate details of our sex lives" he's shared with her?

You said "I took the Morning After Pill but nonetheless was having a lot of chronic pregnancy symptoms....BF told the above to his "close female friend" apparently for advice on how to handle me."

plimsolls · 14/05/2016 12:32

russian. I'm a bit puzzled by the phrase "intimate details of your sex life". Is that something particularly personal regarding sex, or just regular sex life details?

Regardless, if a close friend had an issue regarding sex with a partner, yes we would talk about it if they wanted advice. Similarly, I've asked friends for advice about my sex life. I think usually more at the start of a relationship (e.g a couple of months in) than when the relationship is more established as I think the need to ask for that kind of advice diminishes over time.

On a related point, I like that my partner has female friends. I know that as a female friend of men, I can and will offer a robust female perspective! As in "ladies, I've got your back here". Sometimes, that even extends to "don't tell me about this, I think you need to talk to her".

plimsolls · 14/05/2016 12:33

Betrayal?! Blimey.

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