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AIBU?

Boyfriend's "close female friend"

166 replies

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:37

I'm prepared to be ripped apart, such is the protocol on AIBU, but I'm feeling rather sassy today so can deal.

Been dating a bloke for about 2 months. We had a pregnancy scare resulting from drunkenness, stupidity and my dirty talk that got out of hand (just use your imagination with the dirty talk, I'm not elaborating). I took the Morning After Pill but nonetheless was having a lot of chronic pregnancy symptoms.

BF told the above to his "close female friend" apparently for advice on how to handle me. He showed her my facebook page and some career related stuff so she could get a feel for my personality. She lives in his home country, hundreds of miles away fyi.

Tbh I feel my privacy has been violated. I asked him if he would be okay with me telling a male friend about our sex life and he said "No! Of course not! Men aren't interested in such things". Blatant double standards. His argument is that men don't want to listen about feels (YET in the past this female friend of his confided in him about a miscarriage - how the hell does that work if men don't want to listen about feels?!)

We've only been dating for two months and, although he is highly apologetic, I'm not sure if I want to continue in a relationship with a female BFF hanging around. I've never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it, not sure if I even want to try. One thing I'm certain about is that I am not a person that will whine and manipulate a man to try and dilute his friendship with this woman. I know I need to accept it or bail. I'm tinkering with bail, but I do love this man.

Help!

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:33

DingleberryFinn

Lots of stuff, including my views on babies out of wedlock. Grrrr I'm actually getting pretty upset just thinking about it.

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DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 12:34

And if you had been pregnant, then that would have been a pretty big deal for him too... I think you may be minimising the impact it has/had on him. It's not the same as giving a friend a running commentary on how each date is going, who had who in what position, etc...

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 12:35

You have views on babies out of wedlock?! Oh dear. I'm surprised you even had sex with him before marriage then...

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 12:36

And, btw - views on babies out of wedlock isn't an "intimate detail of your sex life" either.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:36

it sounds like he was trying to find out how best to support you?

How about ASKING ME rather than some woman that has never met me?

(And breathe)

So plimsolls shall I go and tell some male friends the deets and gauge his response (I know exactly how he will react, he'll be upset/angry/mortified). Just seems spiteful and childish to do so. But hey, what's good for the goose

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:38

Let me make one thing clear:

intimate details = the sex talk I was engaging in during the passionate encounter. I'm not going into any more deets than that.

How humiliating.

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TheWindInThePillows · 14/05/2016 12:38

I agree with everyone, he was discussing the fact you were potentially pregnant, that's a huge big deal and not the same as details of a sex life. Of course your views would be relevant to this, if he is expected to marry you!

This all seems desperate, it's two months in, you see things you don't like (culture is a red herring, my husband is from another culture and not remotely sexist, in fact some cultures are less sexist than the UK!) and you are blindly going ahead with vodka and being angry- this is all not fun, and not good and not really what the early days should be all about.

I don't see he has betrayed you, I think you both betrayed each other in risking pregnancy and talking marriage so early in the encounter when you don't know each other at all. The other woman here is irrelevant to me, as you are behaving foolishly and dramatically (I used to love to do this too, but it's not love).

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/05/2016 12:39

Why can't he tell a good friend about the fact that his girlfriend of not even eight weeks might be pregnant? He was probably shitting himself!

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:40

See above.

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TheWindInThePillows · 14/05/2016 12:40

What do you mean 'ask you?' He doesn't know you, you don't know him, you don't sound very compatible and it's probably better to discuss life changing decisions like pregnancy and marriage with family and friends before going ahead.

This way lies unhappiness, please use fantastic contraception (I used to use two types) while you work this out.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/05/2016 12:41

X-post. How old are you, OP? This sounds like one of the "relationships" I had at 19, and it was a disaster from beginning to end.

WorraLiberty · 14/05/2016 12:41

Why don't you leave out the vaginas and penises here.

He confided in a close friend. You don't like that and that's your prerogative not to.

But other than that, you sound very old fashioned if you don't believe males and females can be truly close friends - and truly close friends share all sorts of problems about their relationships etc.

As for the word 'wedlock', I haven't heard that since Catholic school in the 80s.

Spangletangle · 14/05/2016 12:42

Dh had a bff when we met. He still has her twenty years later, in fact her dc are in my house right now, although she's probably more my friend now than his.

So I would have no problem with this. Would have a very big problem with double standards though.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/05/2016 12:43

Oohh I think it's clicked.

So your dirty talk presumably instructed him to do something, and that contributed to the pregnancy scare? Like not explicitly telling him to put a condom on before he came near you, so he didn't, and you thought he had?

And he's relayed that to her, so she knows how the scare happened, but by proxy also knows details about the dirty talk that you'd rather nobody else knew.

Is that close?

ImperialBlether · 14/05/2016 12:43

Oh OP, please don't say 'deets' and 'totes' and things like that. You're a woman, not a teenager.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:44

AnchorDownDeepBreath yep. I'm actually getting myself pretty wound up thinking about it. And pretty tearful. (Thanks Aunt Flo).

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WorraLiberty · 14/05/2016 12:45

'Totes'

'Deets'

'Feels'

'Wedlock'

FFS Kudos though, it's a 8/10 from me.,..

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:46

Worra I'm a regular. But yeah throw the troll biscuit in there.

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WorraLiberty · 14/05/2016 12:48

Amazeballs. I didn't even mention trolling

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:51

8/10 for what then?

So essentially the conclusion of this thread is.....?

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JonSnowsBeardClippings · 14/05/2016 12:51

You sound really immature. How did your dirty talk contribute to him spunking in you without prior agreement? Did you tell him to? You don't love him, it's impossible to know someone well enough in 8 weeks to love them. You then freaked him out with your 'pregnancy symptoms' - what a load of drama and nonsense! No wonder he asked a friend for advice. I think he sounds as immature as you by the way.
Relationships 8 weeks in are not supposed to be anything like this.

Clare1971 · 14/05/2016 12:52

If you're going to accuse him of sexism then it's not ideal to use your period as an excuse for your behaviour. "Vodka will be consumed and I'm on my period (yay!) so I wouldn't like to be him right now."

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:52

Oh shit. The Beyonce music is going on

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plimsolls · 14/05/2016 12:53

shall I go and tell some male friends about it and see if he likes it... Sauce for the goose etc etc

You're right that would be childish. I think you are rightly angry about the double standard thing....

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:55

So guys, what are you saying here? That I lay back and let him divulge any amount of details to his friend whilst of course being a good girlfriend and respecting his privacy and keeping my own mouth shut with my own friends? Okaaaaaaaay.

Think I'd rather be single.

Case closed. I'll see him tonight for the concluding chapter/closure/whatever.

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