Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

AIBU?

Boyfriend's "close female friend"

166 replies

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:37

I'm prepared to be ripped apart, such is the protocol on AIBU, but I'm feeling rather sassy today so can deal.

Been dating a bloke for about 2 months. We had a pregnancy scare resulting from drunkenness, stupidity and my dirty talk that got out of hand (just use your imagination with the dirty talk, I'm not elaborating). I took the Morning After Pill but nonetheless was having a lot of chronic pregnancy symptoms.

BF told the above to his "close female friend" apparently for advice on how to handle me. He showed her my facebook page and some career related stuff so she could get a feel for my personality. She lives in his home country, hundreds of miles away fyi.

Tbh I feel my privacy has been violated. I asked him if he would be okay with me telling a male friend about our sex life and he said "No! Of course not! Men aren't interested in such things". Blatant double standards. His argument is that men don't want to listen about feels (YET in the past this female friend of his confided in him about a miscarriage - how the hell does that work if men don't want to listen about feels?!)

We've only been dating for two months and, although he is highly apologetic, I'm not sure if I want to continue in a relationship with a female BFF hanging around. I've never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it, not sure if I even want to try. One thing I'm certain about is that I am not a person that will whine and manipulate a man to try and dilute his friendship with this woman. I know I need to accept it or bail. I'm tinkering with bail, but I do love this man.

Help!

OP posts:

Report

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:50

Yes, he said he wouldn't fancy you discussing it all with a male friend, but that's understandable. You didn't like it. He wouldn't like it. He got in first and did it

I'm confused. Him being uncomfortable with my discussing with male friends is understandable but my discomfort with him discussing things with female friends is unreasonable?? What?

OP posts:

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:53

So essentially he did something that he KNOWS he wouldn't like if I did. And you guys say I'M being unreasonable. hahahaha. Please refer to the first sentence of my OP.

Mumenst at it's best

OP posts:

zzzzz · 14/05/2016 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zzzzz · 14/05/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:02

OK zzzz so me being uncomfortable with him giving sexual details to a female friend is unfeminist of me? Is that what you are saying?

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 14/05/2016 14:07

Russian I am completely with you. It's not about sexism or feminism at all, that is all a smokescreen. He was very emotionally close to another woman with that exchange, I imagine it was a woman within the realms of someone that he might go out with. I would bet that it was not a woman twice their age or that they would find unattractive - and why would I 'know' this?

Because, unwittingly, your BF betrayed your trust by using your personal, intimate details to form a bond with another woman. Even if it was brief, even if it was not sexual. And he did it when you are at your most vulnerable and needed his trust the most. No wonder you feel let down.

I've had this with man. He told a 'close female colleague' about some very intimate details of our relationship and I immediately felt very hurt when I found out. He was defensive, and cited the 'just because she's a woman' line. Which was worse, that he couldn't see it. He eventually cheated on me and I wish I'd seen the first as a warning sign, because it is.

A good rule of thumb is to imagine if you did the same - shared the same intimate details to a male friend, that was in the realms of attractiveness for you - and see if that sits well with your BF. You will have your answer.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:08

He's watching this thread btw. So he knows you all support him. He'll be pleased when I end things tonight I'm sure, being so hard done to by me.

OP posts:

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:09

Banana I'm crying because you got it. SOMEONE got it.

OP posts:

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:10

P.S. Banana apparently you are sexist for feeling that way. Hmmm

OP posts:

Babettescat · 14/05/2016 14:14

Repeat this scenario between two girls. Would two female BFFs discuss their men including sexual stuff?

Probably.

Would best friends Jane and Mary have a confidential chat about Mary's husband Tom? Of course they would.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:16

And just incase you guys are wondering why I shared this link with him (drama-lama etc), I was willing to accept whatever conclusion you guys came to. So, turns out I am unreasonable and he is perfectly reasonable. We are nonetheess still incompatible. So this thread has sent a message to him to carry on as he is doing with future girlfriends. I really hope for your sake one of them is not you. Then you will taste what you have sowed.

OP posts:

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:17

Babettescat totally agree. But we're taking opposite sex BFFs here.

OP posts:

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 14:17

But the only parallel scenario for OP sharing details with a male friend would be:

BF thinks he might be pregnant (leaving biological possibility aside, go with it). OP wants him to get rid of the baby as they're not married. BF wants to keep it and is adamant on the point. OP goes to talk to her male friend about this thing which is a potentially life-changing big deal, which would be stressful enough even if they were both in agreement on keeping/not keeping.

There's not really a parallel scenario in which the OP could tell intimate details to a male friend in that context of life-changing impact.

OP IBU because she doesn't seem to appreciate that the BF has been going through a stressful situation, and the reason he talked to his friend was not to share the sexual details/brag/whatever. Particularly in light of OP's views on keeping/not keeping the baby being in conflict with the BF, I can see why BF needs a "neutral" third party view. And anecdote is not data - lots of men have female friends without shagging them.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:20

There's not really a parallel scenario in which the OP could tell intimate details to a male friend in that context of life-changing impact.

Fail to see how having an abortion is not life-changing??

OP posts:

UmbongoUnchained · 14/05/2016 14:21

Sounds like he's had a lucky escape!

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:22

Can't help but feel this thread has done the female populous a great disservice but hey, you guys know best.

He knows how to treat women now. Just as he always has. Yay mumsnet.

OP posts:

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 14:23

An abortion in no way changes your life as much as having a child arriving into your life does.

FutureGadgetsLab · 14/05/2016 14:23

You lost my sympathy at

The fact that the friend is female makes it worse because of the sexual nature. Surely if he wants to talk intimate details with a female - I'm the only one that should occur with? I wouldn't dream of telling my male friends intimate details. I talk to them about sci-fi and video games and that's pretty much the remit

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:24

Dingle I'm failing to see how his fear was greater than mine? How me consulting a male friend would have been different.

OP posts:

ArmySal · 14/05/2016 14:25

Seriously odd. Why are you wringing this out, you appear to be enjoying it very much.

I've personally had a bellyful.

zzzzz · 14/05/2016 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:26

FutureGadgets If I am wrong about this, fair dos. He is going to carry on sharing sexual details with this woman. And his future girlfriends had better be cool with it. I'm out.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

UmbongoUnchained · 14/05/2016 14:27

Of course he spoke to his best friend about it. You've been dating for 2 fucking months!
I've been married to my husband for 5 years and still speak to my best friend about things.

Who incidentally happens to have a penis.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 14:27

zzzz acknowledging heterosexual nature of a friendship is not fucking sexist. Get over it.

OP posts:

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/05/2016 14:27

I'm confused. Him being uncomfortable with my discussing with male friends is understandable but my discomfort with him discussing things with female friends is unreasonable?? What?

I don't get what difference it makes being a male or female friend, I really don't.

Nearly every friend I have discusses a new relationship. Depending on the person, those details are either very personal, slightly more graphic, or just the outline of how things are going. I think that's perfectly normal. Like your boyfriend, not many people would be keen on it being the other way round. Not commendable, but within the realms of normal.

If this was reversed and you were the one who needed to confide in a close friend, for help and advice, I somehow doubt you'd be vilified for it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.