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AIBU?

Boyfriend's "close female friend"

166 replies

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 11:37

I'm prepared to be ripped apart, such is the protocol on AIBU, but I'm feeling rather sassy today so can deal.

Been dating a bloke for about 2 months. We had a pregnancy scare resulting from drunkenness, stupidity and my dirty talk that got out of hand (just use your imagination with the dirty talk, I'm not elaborating). I took the Morning After Pill but nonetheless was having a lot of chronic pregnancy symptoms.

BF told the above to his "close female friend" apparently for advice on how to handle me. He showed her my facebook page and some career related stuff so she could get a feel for my personality. She lives in his home country, hundreds of miles away fyi.

Tbh I feel my privacy has been violated. I asked him if he would be okay with me telling a male friend about our sex life and he said "No! Of course not! Men aren't interested in such things". Blatant double standards. His argument is that men don't want to listen about feels (YET in the past this female friend of his confided in him about a miscarriage - how the hell does that work if men don't want to listen about feels?!)

We've only been dating for two months and, although he is highly apologetic, I'm not sure if I want to continue in a relationship with a female BFF hanging around. I've never been in this situation before and don't know how to handle it, not sure if I even want to try. One thing I'm certain about is that I am not a person that will whine and manipulate a man to try and dilute his friendship with this woman. I know I need to accept it or bail. I'm tinkering with bail, but I do love this man.

Help!

OP posts:

Report

MeadowHay · 14/05/2016 12:55

How old are you? I'm guessing very young.

I would break up with because: a) he's clearly a sexist, and b) all that stress/tension/angst/anger etc at only 2 months into a relationship is just not worth it. Move on.

DingleberryFinn · 14/05/2016 12:55

There are a whole heap of issues tangled up in your posts, OP, but what I think it boils down to is this: a new relationship shouldn't be this hard this soon. It doesn't sound like you are a good match for each other, and as a result you're going to make his life difficult, and he's going to make you unhappy.

Channel Elsa and "Let It Go"...

ArmySal · 14/05/2016 12:58

You have got to be 16 with a 14 year olds mentality.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 12:58

Case closed guys. I get it. We're incompatible.

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gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/05/2016 13:09

FWIW I don't think you sound at all immature, OP. You'd be immature if you tried to ignore this because of your feelings for him. Or if like many women on MN you settled because you couldn't think of anything else to do. You put some backs up because you didn't roll over, that's all.

You're quite right to have a problem with him repeating what you've said in a sexual encounter. That has nothing to do with the pregnancy scare. And yes, that would be it for me. I agree that there need to be a boundary in your BF's friendship with this woman, and it isn't where it needs to be! Male or female, I'd have a problem with that, but it's worse that he's spoken to a female - and he obviously gets that, because he wouldn't want you talking about it to another bloke.

Move on. Congratulations on not being pregnant!

zzzzz · 14/05/2016 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:14

Just to let you guys know I'm going out for the day so am not (intentionally) flouncing. I'll be around for another hour to field the flames however, so get stuck in while you can

You put some backs up because you didn't roll over, that's all.

I'd literally rather be single than rollover. I don't apologise for that. Nor do I apologise for being a 33 year old who talks like a teen

OP posts:

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:15

Oh and zzzz glad to see you're stepping in as the feminist police, drawing up a statute for what does and does not count as feminism membership. God bless you.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 14/05/2016 13:19

So what are your 'views on babies out of wedlock'? I'm assuming that you don't approve. So were you telling him that if you were pregnant he should marry you?

TBH, you've been together two months, you've had a huge pregnancy drama, possibly involving suggestions of marriage, you're already declaring love for him and you're telling him who he can be friends with and what he can discuss with who?

If he has any sense he should run for the hills!

ArmySal · 14/05/2016 13:21

Aaah, so a teenage speaking drama-llama.

Gotcha.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:22

Bill I was saying I'd abort. But in case you're curious, he said that's murder.

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:23

(flame retardant panties - check)

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:26

Still some parts you haven't ripped to shred here people. I think there's a limb or two still intact.

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dragonsarebest · 14/05/2016 13:27

zzz yes I was confused by that also!

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/05/2016 13:28

Bill you are ridiculous and thoroughly nasty.

timelytess · 14/05/2016 13:28

Haven't tread the thread. OP, you don't need help, you need to get rid of the loser. [Reads back a few posts...] Delighted to see you've already made that decision.

TheWindInThePillows · 14/05/2016 13:29

OP between the 'I'm sassy' and crying you sound like you need a female friend to talk to desperately much to try to help you work out whether you have a 'good un' or really you need to cut and run. You say you aren't desperate at all and would rather be single, but this man doesn't sound for you, culturally/sexist-wise at least, and it all seems dramatic and unpleasant at a time it should be easy and happy, but you are still inviting him round for vodka and holding not having sex over him somehow.

Get off MN (why continue enduring a flaming?) and cancel him. Then call a good friend who can be trusted to tell you the truth and arrange to go out with them, or go to a movie, do anything rather than get sucked back into the drama. Every day you waste with him is one you could find a nicer more compatible person- I do think that's what you want despite your bravado. Good luck!

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:31

Just for clarity purposes, AIBU because:

I don't meet the standards of feminism.
I don't roll over when a man demonstrates double standards.That is wrong also.
I'm pro-choice and won't have a baby with a bloke I just met.
I don't speak as someone in their 30s should speak (which presumably is?)
Drama resulted from a pregnancy scare (heaven forbid!)

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RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:34

TheWindInThePillows I'm meeting friends in town very soon. Thanks for your non-flame response. You are quite right: the dichotomy between being content single and continuing to endure an incompatible relationship needs addressing. I do have feelings for this person, hence dragging my feet. I know what I need to do.

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wallybantersjunkbox · 14/05/2016 13:42

I had a very close friend of the opposite sex for 20 years. He would've come to me with this kind of problem. Especially so short a time into dating someone. Maybe he didn't feel like he could put pressure on you at such an early stage in a relationship, but wanted to know how a woman would feel in your shoes.

I wouldn't judge the girlfriends actions just be a listening ear. I guess it depends on the female friends maturity.

Male, female everyone needs friends and a support group. The key to feminism is equality, I think that's why people are having a dig here, because you seem to follow your own perception of feminism.

If I want male friends I have to accept that my partner is entitled to female ones also, I also have to accept that they may share the same details as I want to, or you establish early on in a relationship what you do or don't say. If you are introvert on this and he isn't then you aren't a match.

What should have been a time to learn and get to know foibles has unfortunately been catapulted to a time of stress. Sorry about that. Now that it's calmed down and if you want to proceed then maybe start from scratch. It sounds like you need to learn about his cultural beliefs too.

My male friend was the second person to find out I'd fucked up and got pregnant by the way. And he was fantastic.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:45

The key to feminism is equality

Indeed. And he would be mortified if I told an opposite sex friend intimate details. that's my point.

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zzzzz · 14/05/2016 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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ArmySal · 14/05/2016 13:45

Be pro-choice all you want, OP, (I am).

Just don't be reckless.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/05/2016 13:46

I'm not sure what he's done that's so awful if I'm brutally honest. He confided in a close friend about his new relationships. How many women do that? HOw many women show their best friend as much info as they can on a new relationship to sound it out?

Yes, he said he wouldn't fancy you discussing it all with a male friend, but that's understandable. You didn't like it. He wouldn't like it. He got in first and did it, but I still don't get why he's not allowed to discuss his relationship with his close friend.

RussianTwist · 14/05/2016 13:48

zzzzzzz You are misunderstanding. Let me spell it out:

Him: "I will tell my female friend whatever I like, but you cannot do the same with male friends".

Me: FTS. That's sexist.

And yet, you guys are calling ME sexist? ?

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