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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

180 replies

coralpig · 13/05/2016 23:22

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

OP posts:
Bringiton2016 · 14/05/2016 15:32

I really don't get all this "only on mumsnet" talk. We are all people living in the real world with real lives, interacting with real people and attending real weddings. There are different opinions and experiences. I've only attended one gift list wedding, as I have already said. Maybe it's a class thing or summat?

KoalaDownUnder · 14/05/2016 15:40

It's not 'only on mumsnet' at all.

A lot of people I know in real life (gasp!) think it's rude to mention gifts in the invitation.

Disbelieve me if you want to, but it's true.

EddieStobbart · 14/05/2016 15:48

I have a friend who waits until shortly before the wedding to buy her gift then checks to see if there are any random items that contribute to sets that haven't been bought yet ie teaspoons from the cutlery set. She hoovers up several random items if they are left. I think that's really sensible as there are always a few forlorn items that people think aren't significant enough on their own.

BikeRunSki · 14/05/2016 16:15

That's what DH's colleagues did for us Eddie. It was lovely, we got all our crockery bar one piece. My work gave us a voucher with which I bought the final missing piece. 8 place settings, a few serving dishes, jugs, mugs, cups etc. I love my wedding crockery, it's an everyday Denby set which we use every day. 16 years later there's only 1 chip.

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 16:32

Koala I don't disbelieve you, but I have just never come across that attitude ever, from anyone in RL. I am in my 50s and have been to a lot of weddings and been privy to thousands of wedding convos.

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 16:35

Bringiton I wouldn't have thought it was 'class thing' as I (like most people) know people from loads of different backgrounds, cultures, ages, 'classes'. I've never heard anyone in RL complaining about a gift list whatever their circumstances.

cinnamonorange · 14/05/2016 17:08

Only put 'no gifts are necessary' if you mean it. We did, and we had a couple of bottles of wine and a photo frame and that was all. If you want the expensive things, put them on the list - someone will want to buy them.

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 18:00

Again, only on mumsnet

Not at all, time and again in real life.

PinguForPresident · 14/05/2016 18:02

I think a couple of larger items are fine: some groups of friends club together to get the big stuff.

Peasandsweetcorn · 14/05/2016 18:30

We probably breached every MN rule by having a wedding for immediate family (8 in total) followed by a party a month or so later to which we invited adults only and the invitation was just an email which included details of the John Lewis gift list.
Some bought presents; some didn't. There was no logic to who did or didn't or what they spent. A few went "off list". Of those who did, those who knew us well bought fab quirky things, the two who didn't bought things which are buried in the garage as I will never use them but can't bring myself to throw them away.
Gifts on our list ranged from £3 - £300. The £300 bits didn't go but we got enough vouchers to buy them. All of the stuff under £20 did go but usually by one person swooping up three or four items in that price bracket. As a result, we went back on & added a few more items in that sort of price range so that people who wanted to spend that amount still had a choice.
I wrote thank you letters to everyone, whether they had given us a gift or not. I think that there was one child free couple who cycled to the party but everyone else had had to fork out for transport or childcare or similar...although several pointed out afterwards they didn't normally get free food & alcohol all evening.

dowhatnow · 14/05/2016 18:46

i wouldn't say thank you for your generosity otherwise that makes a mockery of saying you are happy not to get anything.

JuneBuggy · 14/05/2016 18:52

Yanbu OP. People will have different limits so it's good to cater for a few different budgets (within reason obviously!)

On the other point I'm confused though, if you don't put a link to the gift list in with the invite because it's "presumptious", how do you get it to the guests who do want to buy something? Confused

We didn't have one. We put a note in saying that our only wish was to have them there. People still bought stuff... thoughtful, sentimental, lovely stuff. Smile

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2016 18:55

I think excluding people from the actual wedding, and then including a gift list when issuing invitations to a party a month later is a total piss-take, actually.
But this is Mumsnet, so it's probably just me...

amazingtracy · 14/05/2016 19:50

I assure you I am perfectly pleasant and would never turn up to ANY party empty handed......However it's if its pissingly ignorant to dictate gifts for a birthday party/baby shower-then why is it ok to dictate gits for a wedding party????

As for wandering around a shop itemising your potential gift, honestly it's to cringy for my blood.

I have never received a thank you from the bride and groom when I didchoose from the pissing lists so I don't bother!

Radicalrooster · 14/05/2016 19:55

I always ignore wedding lists and just buy the happy couple a whisk

No complaints yet.

A1Sharon · 14/05/2016 20:00

Its in Debrett's, so it must be ok to have a wedding gift list.
Here.
Grin

nooka · 15/05/2016 00:37

I've never been invited to a baby shower, but I think a list would probably be a good idea for one. Aren't they supposed to be hosted by a friend of the prospective mother? Thinking of a nice list of things new parents might want sounds fun and would avoid duplication. A list at a shop or on a web site is just a slightly more easy to use version of old fashioned paper lists that presumably the mother of the bride used to be expected to keep.

I like finding amazon wish lists when I'm buying birthday presents. For a dinner party it's easy enough just to take a bottle of wine, chocolates, flowers and other essentially disposable things when it doesn't really matter if there is duplication, but for gifts to last I'd much rather give someone something I now they want than wing it.

OutToGetYou · 15/05/2016 00:39

A friend of mine included a note that said "just so you know, we're not accepting any gifts that are not from the list", which made me want to buy her something truly hideous, like an umbrella stand.

But this was the woman who asked her friend's daughter to be bridesmaid but had a 'no children' wedding so the friend's other three children couldn't go. I thought that was very odd - basically, no kids unless I choose them for being pretty enough.
I was asked to do a reading and told I wouldn't be allowed to do it unless I wore a hat, and also ranted at for saying I would be going to check into B&B between wedding and reception (to discard the bloody hat and put my contact lenses in) and yet when we got to the reception nothing happened for over an hour while they had all the photos.

Only1scoop · 15/05/2016 00:49

OutShock

Seriously

OutToGetYou · 15/05/2016 01:00

I got so naffed off with her that I didn't go to the hen night, I couldn't face her.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/05/2016 01:18

FloggingMolly it's not just you.

Some of these posts make the whole thing sound so...transactional.

Spottyladybird · 15/05/2016 06:30

amazing I got married at 24, we had just bought a house and didn't have anything so a list made sense. 120 people came to our wedding, I didn't want to have all those people feeling awkward about what to buy etc. A wedding list is no different to a child putting together a Christmas list, you'll accept other things but isn't it easier?

Becky546 · 15/05/2016 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummyBex1985 · 15/05/2016 10:48

A friend of ours put a PS4 on his wedding list.

AFAIK, he didn't get it Hmm

dulcefarniente · 15/05/2016 11:10

I'm always a bit Hmm when I get an invite saying your presence is all we want, accompanied by a list full of expensive gifts/experiences. My xMIL took it upon herself to tell people what to get us without any discussion. Those gifts were gratefully received and thanks sent but nothing we wanted or needed.