WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

[coralpig]

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

Parents spreading the word about a gift list worked well when everyone lived in the same town and knew each other. In reality most people you know will probably never have met your parents so they are no longer the appropriate people to spread the word. I think including reference to a gift list is fine especially if you are genuinely setting up home together so are asking for the basics like baking trays, tea towels, knives, etc. I think people are more likely to think it grabby when the couple already have a home so the gift list is just full of nice things or luxuries.

We asked for knives and I had a slightly puzzling exchange at my wedding - a guest came up to me holding a gift wrapped present and handed me 2p and said "here is your wedding present [2p], congratulations" and then stood looking at me expectantly until I twigged I was meant to use the 2p to buy the gift wrapped parcel. Apparently it is unlucky to give knives as they 'cut your friendship'.

Up to you DB and SIL did that with Le Crueset cookware, those posh coffee machines (tassimo etc) and certain Irish linen bedware etc.

People did buy them these items.

Some people bought the really expensive cutlery sets etc and some people eg a carpet maker gave a Kilim (carpet) as well as a gorgeous hand painted dish and another a weaver gave a weaving etc.

I just gave them £100 and also bought an item similar value from the wedding list gift list.

I'm going to a wedding in a few hours, for a couple in their 20s. Neither the invitation, wedding website nor wedding app (!) made mention of gifts, so I assumed they just wanted money. I couldn't find their parents if I tried, and I assumed B+G didn't want 100+ guests ringing up to ask about gifts. They'll be getting £50 and a nice card.

Oh and with ref to my previous post, not a single person mentioned a gift list or asked us or our parents what we wanted so I think the angst from guests desperate for a list (as often referenced on here) is exaggerated.

I wouldn't make a wedding present list full stop.

I wouldn't ask for anything to be honest. the Invite would say please celebrate with us and that would be it.

gift lists, asking for money, asking for charity donations and anything similar is a grabby act and should be avoided. IF someone wants to come a long and give you a gift then they will, asking, or suggesting gifts is, in my personal opinion, rude.

tracy
Don't you just sound like a pleasant person and barrel of laughs!
Brides and grooms up and down the land must be wailing when you decline their invitations

Oh here we go again. The usually nasty bitter crowd who resent that someone might actually be happy enough to get married.

It's tedious.

Just to sum up for you OP: Even if you get married in a public lavatory in a rag with a dishcloth as a veil, sell everything you own and give it to charity, give a six course meal to guests and pay for transport, outfits and accommodation for your guests and not only didn't expect gifts but actually paid your guests to come you would still have people telling you that you were rude, entitled and grabby because people actually had to walk to the cash point to withdraw the money you were giving them.

Honestly, it is so tedious and is on every wedding thread.

In the real world, it's fine. If people are so miserly they resent spending a couple of quid on a cheap present then fuck 'em. They deserve to be offended.

I wouldn't dream of turning up to a wedding without a gift though so all those morally opposed, what do you do?? Show up empty handed? That's infinitely ruder, in my book.

However, I do think it's a bit odd mentioning charitable donations and gifts. Pick one or the other.

Of course it's fine op. In the real world people don't mind gift lists, wishing wells or even (crappy) poems.

Some people will want to spend more, no one has to buy any of it but it's there if they want to.

Why in God's name would anybody want a couple to be flooded with random presents that they neither want, not need, might duplicate and would possibly end up in charity shops? Or force them to go to the time and trouble of returning multiple gifts to multiple different shops? What a waste of time and money for everybody concerned. A list is far more practical.

Besides, I actually enjoy buying gifts for people who have been kind enough to invite me to share their day with them and spend time and money making it nice for their guests.

But then I'm not a miserly misanthrope.

For my small wedding of 50, we didn't include the gift list with the invites and promptly received around 5 inquiries as to what we wanted as a gift.

I would much, much rather go online and spend £100 on bits and bobs I know the couple want or need from a list instead of wandering around JL trying to think of something.

Personally I think people who bitch about the social convention of bringing a gift, or who actively look for something they hate off a gift list are tacky and graceless. It must be horrible being so bitter.

If I go to the wedding of a couple in their early 20s setting up home for the first time then I am going not because I want a good party, I am going because they a friends and I want to support them getting married and in their married life. Part of that is giving them something practical they need to set up home. A beautiful bowl might be lovely but sheets, duvets, or a dust pan and brush are much more likely to do that. I am pleased to see a list so I know how best to help my friends.

If they are getting married later in life and don't need these basics then that is a different kettle of fish.

We are all living in the 'real world' , are we not? Most people would buy a special gift or put some money in the card, but it's rude for a couple to ask for this.

Fine by me and I would expect it.

We put some expensive items on our list, partly in case we had any one who needed to club together and also as we knew we'd get some vouchers and you got 10% off whatever was left on the list.

As a couple you could write a list at home and suggest items to people IF they enquire.

Oh I think people do mind the poems IRL. How could you not?! The rest, not so much. Not thanking is awful. I think all of my friends have sent thank yous though, even if in some case months later. Mind you in one memorable case, having bought from the list some way before the event, I was surprised to get a thank you card BEFORE the wedding! Organised? Yes. Bit odd? Definitely.

We didn't want gifts but people said that they couldn't come to a wedding without a gift so we set up a wine list so people could purchase a bottle or a case, whatever they fancied. When we have had friends over for a dinner party we select the wine they bought us and drink it together.

I love weddings. I generally love the people who invite me to their weddings. I will always give a present. Wedding lists reduce the faffing for me, and the people I love get something they really like. I never understand MN when it comes to weddings.

I'd much rather give a wanted gift from a list than cash, which seems to be the norm these days.

When we got married 13 years ago, we had a few items over £50, some over £100. Close rellies bought some, other friends clubbed together. Every time I use the Dualit toaster I think of the rowdy group of blokes that bought it for us

I think it's fine, when there are cheaper options too (and the idea of charity donations as an alternative is lovely). I've clubbed together with friends or family before to buy a bigger gift before - so it's well worth having those options there. As as guest, I appreciate the choice.

It's fine to include some more expensive items on your list because several guests might like to club together to buy a particular item. Wedding lists are great because you know that you are buying the couple something they actually want. It's fine to just give money too or a charity donation.

I agree with pp that you need to miss out the bit about 'thanks...' as you will be sending out thank you cards afterwards.

bringItOn
Why? It is just such a pointless waste of everyone's time.
Guests don't want additional backwards and forwards in order to get the answer to something that is pretty integral to attending a wedding - providing a gift.

This absurd idea that both parties should pretend presents aren't usual or normal, and make some special deal out of the mere idea of getting one just telegraphs people who are detached from reality and have Hyacinth Bucket as their spirit animal.

I would bet you don't live any other part of your life by the rules of 19th century etiquette books. Why on earth do gift lists get special treatment from the professionally offended association?

Sounds fine OP.

Have a lovely day and a great life together.