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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

180 replies

coralpig · 13/05/2016 23:22

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

OP posts:
Notthebumtroll · 14/05/2016 10:15

I agree sparechange it's utterly ridiculous.

Mumsnet has quite a general concensus that when you go to a wedding you take some form of card and gift. Why go to all the trouble and effort of pretending otherwise? It's just a pita!

Yoksha · 14/05/2016 10:17

I once went to a posh wedding of Dh's work colleague. They had a list in Debenhams. They wanted to collect a really expensive dinner service, and you could purchase an item/items. Debenhams were in control of purchases, and you were advised what was still required. When we went in to purchase all that was left was really expensive serving dishes at over £265 and two soup bowls at £36 ea. I felt mean buying just one bowl, so we bought 2. WTF I've never in all my 41yrs of married life even spent £36 on an everyday dinner service. Never even had a posh one either. But that's just my choice, because I'm rather clumsy.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 14/05/2016 10:21

Jeez amazing Tracy you sound as joyful as a wet weekend in Worthing. And proud of it.

Bringiton2016 · 14/05/2016 10:23

It just doesn't sit right with me. In my head it screams "rude". I can't help that. I guess it may depend on how big your wedding is and if you are actually close to the people coming. I'm not one to talk of wedding "venues" or seat covers either though...

Lules · 14/05/2016 10:27

It's absolutely fine as long as there's cheaper options or the option to give vouchers as well. Some people are very generous and some club together to buy stuff. And I get positively annoyed if I go to a wedding if there isn't a gift list or they've said they want money instead so I don't really get this angst about it. So much more complicated trying to think of something (and of course I'm going to buy a present)

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 10:27

Debretts suggests it's fine to put a list in

They are going downhill Grin

Spottyladybird · 14/05/2016 10:28

I really dislike invites with no info about a list. I don't like the grabby 'we need money for our honeymoon' poems. We saved up and paid for a honeymoon we could actually afford. If people make a list you can see what they like and go from there.

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 10:37

Look, some people on here think it's rude and a terrible imposition if you have to put yourselves out in the teeniest tiniest way when it comes to weddings. Too far/too formal/too informal/too cheap/too posh/too big/too small/no kids/too many kids/asked to be in wedding party/not asked to be in wedding party etc etc...

And don't start me on those OPs who have a CHILD and are invited to a WEDDING: 'I have a CHILD and my sister has invited us to a wedding in three years time which means I might have to get childcare and travel 10 miles. AIBU to say no as I might have to get off my sofa, spend a tenner and attend A WEDDING?' Other posters: 'No YANBU, it's outrageous of your sister to expect you A MOTHER to go to her wedding, selfish cow - I expect she wants a gift from you too Hmm??'

Whitney168 · 14/05/2016 11:11

Debretts suggests it's fine to put a list in

Oh dear. What will those who think they are so up on etiquette do now?! Grin

Drquin · 14/05/2016 12:05

As you can see from the replies above OP, there's varying opinions on rights & wrongs of gift lists Smile

Personal opinion, do what seems right for your family & friends. Unless I'm the only one in the country without an invite, chances are its (hopefully) lovely people who you love & know who you have invited. Not random strangers off t'internet. If that means a list, a list send out or on request, with a range of prices .... Go for it.

Just be honest though ....... Don't say "no gifts necessary" AND give them a charity donation option AND a gift list. One or the other.

ShelaghTurner · 14/05/2016 12:07

Sounds fine to me. I can't be doing with this ridiculous pretence over gifts. Everyone knows that you go to a wedding and you bring some sort of gift. Why add to the hassle and make guests request the list? It's nonsensical.

ladymariner · 14/05/2016 12:27

Grin Grin lemonade you're spot on!

MatildaTheCat · 14/05/2016 12:44

OP, in answer to your original question, no YANBU to include some more expensive gifts. When we got married, during the Stone Age, gift lists were utterly the normal thing, Dh's boss told him that our list was too unambitious or words to that effect. He then bought us a new tv.

I would also not use 'Thanks for your generosity.' It sounds too much like a charity begging letter.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2016 13:44

Why bother stating that no gift is necessary when you're also putting in a list? Confused
I know it still doesn't make buying one compulsory but you're clearly expecting gifts so it's a bit redundant.
If you're hoping it takes the sting out of the gift list; it doesn't.

manicinsomniac · 14/05/2016 14:22

YANBU at all. I'd expect to see a range of prices on a gift list, and voucher options too.

I've never been married so haven't looked into the etiquette of it too much but, as far as I can remember, I haven't been to a single wedding that hasn't had a gift list with a good range of options (except for one traditional Chinese wedding where the tradition was that you put money in a brown envelope inside the card). Sometimes I've bought cheaper items on my own, sometimes I've got together with a group of university friends and bought an expensive item and once I went off list for a friend I knew well who I knew for sure would like the gift I got. Definitely wouldn't feel comfortable doing that regularly though, I like the convenience and safety of a list. And if it wasn't in the invite I'd find it a hassle to go and ask for it. I'm disorganised enough and wouldn't be surprised if I forgot to do it or kept putting it off until it was too late.

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 14:24

If you sent out an invitation to your birthday/Christmas party would you enclose a gift list too?

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2016 14:25

If you sent out an invitation to your birthday/Christmas party would you enclose a gift list too?

Don't be daft. A wedding is completely different.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2016 14:27

YANBU. Much better than the ol' 'Don't give us presents but oh, give us money' tosh.

CharlieSierra · 14/05/2016 14:31

the only things left on the list I could afford were a garlic press and a corkscrew and they just felt like rubbish presents I would rather have given money or champagne

But why when they wanted a garlic press and a corkscrew?

PuppyMonkey · 14/05/2016 14:48

My observations on this are as follows:

  1. If you didn't include a list I wouldn't ring anyone to ask about a list, I'd just buy what I considered a nice gift.
  1. Putting expensive items in your list would make me feel a bit under pressure to buy a more expensive gift and I'd feel a bit resentful about that.
  1. "Thank you for your generosity" doubly makes you sound like you want the more expensive items not the cheaper ones.

I grew up on a council estate, so just like Hyacinth.

sharknad0 · 14/05/2016 15:03

Guests will buy a gift when they are invited to a wedding. Technically, you should send a gift when you are invited, even if you decline the invitation, but obviously a smaller one than if you were going. It's rude not to. Many people on mumsnet obviously don't bother, but in the real world, people do just that.

It's so much nicer to buy a gift from a list than trying to guess what the bride and groom might like and need. Why would you want to waste time researching a gift that the couple is likely to dislike or already have? As long as you include small and medium items, I can't see anything wrong in including expensive ones. Guests have their gift budget in mind, and will choose accordingly.

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 15:04

Don't be daft. A wedding is completely different.

But why, when many people have already set up home? It's still offering hospitality, so there shouldn't be the expectation attached that people will give you gifts. Like birthdays and Christmas, wait until people ask what you'd like.

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2016 15:06

Weddings are different because you only plan to have one in your lifetime and it is totally normal (outside of mumsnet) to have a wedding list. Most people will buy a wedding present for the bride and groom. I've never had one hundred presents for my birthday.

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 15:08

Yes, it's normal to have a wedding list, but presumptious to enclose it with the invitation.

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2016 15:12

Yes, it's normal to have a wedding list, but presumptious to enclose it with the invitation.

Again, only on mumsnet. Every wedding I've been invited to in the last ten years has included a link to the gift list. It isn't presumptuous. People can totally ignore it if they want. I often buy presents not from the list. I've never minded being sent it. I'm sure the minority of people who are actually offended by these things will get over it.