WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

[coralpig]

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

Well I'm going to disagree that the wording is fine.
Pointless to say you don't want gifts and then go on to name a charity and a gift list. You will end up with guests thinking they have to do both.

YANBU especially as there are plenty of lower priced options.

One person I know did not produce a list and, when asked, said "We don't need gifts, but if you want to give us something just choose whatever you like". They received 17 bath towels.

When a work colleague got married we checked her wedding registry two days before (when we hoped her invited guests had finished with it) and bought her a microwave grill oven.

I think that sounds great. Most invitations we get are like that and cause zero angst.

Being young the most popular stuff was around the 20 pound mark as obviously our friends didn't have much money either, so I would make sure you have lots at that level. But some more expensive things is fine.

I'm with Koala. Don't mention gifts/ money/ charity on the invitation info. Let them contact you and you can send the details.
But do have a list and put whatever you like on it.
People sometimes club together to buy something lovely. I'd rather pay towards a Kitchenaid than buy a bathroom bin.

I must live in a parallel universe. In my world, if you didn't put a gift list, or these days, a link to an online gift list, in the invitation, you'd get 100 people ringing up asking for the gift list...

I've never heard of a first-time wedding that didn't have a gift list. Re-marriages maybe, youngsters, no. DS1 is coming round tomorrow to do his invitations with me for his wedding in August. Their list is at Debenhams. We are also going to a wedding next weekend and have chosen from their list which is at John Lewis. Neither couple would dream of asking for money, or the equivalent i.e. vouchers. Both lists have gifts from as little as £10. In my day, the list would have some fun and quirky items on it and would start at the top with something like a car. Everyone would take it in the spirit it was meant...

Hold on to your gift list. Only send it out to people who ask about it. Plenty will, and you won't cause offence. It's what we did, and nearly everyone asked us to send it. We were too embarrassed to send it out with the invitation. We were also very shy about sending it to those who asked, if truth be told.

Include an option for people to give you gift vouchers for the shop where your gift list is held. That will avoid people thinking you're expecting £150 presents.

It's absolutely fine to mention your gift list on the invitation, most invitations do.
It's odd to say no gifts then list a charity and a gift list. Just say something like If you wish to buy us a gift here's details of our gift list.

No, it's a good idea to have a full range of options from £5-£300. Someone said to me once that I shouldn't judge the depth of others pockets based on my own ( this was in a business context but the idea works here too). If our whole family were attending a wedding there are 6 of us and I would spend at least £25 per head because I always take into account what we would spend on a meal out and at least match that so I'd be looking for something around £150, more if it was a close friend or family member, otherwise I end up buying 2 or 3 smaller bits. I have often found gift lists that have nothing left on them as others are clearly doing the same. Most guests won't purchase until the week of the wedding so make sure you have more than you think you'll receive so no one is left feeling they are Jonny come lately.

YANBU. We married at Christmas, and had items on a list from £20 to £200 at John Lewis.

Very close friends and family bought us the bigger items. It's lovely cooking with my new Le Creuset Dutch oven and thinking "oh that was a group gift from X, Y and Z".

I learnt from my wedding that if there's a list or a request for cash to use it/do it - we have a box of wedding gifts under the stairs that really aren't our taste (ethnic hand painted servingware) or duplicates of things we'd already received. I hate to see money wasted so I feel bad that people bought us things in good faith that won't get used.

Also a good idea to cater for the traditional oldies who want to buy something that will be part of your home long term so furniture or best glasswares etc rather than just expensive things being all electricals or white good that are here today gone tomorrow.

And definitely send it in the invite, this is completely the norm and perfectly acceptable for a wedding invite. To expect guests to contact you is causing them extra inconvenience and if they are only sitting down to order something 10pm Thursday before the wedding they will feel embarrassed to ask so late. ( despite the fact half the guest will be doing the same)

I had a wedding list at John Lewis and they gave us little cards you could slip in with the invitation with the gift list number. So you could do that if you didn't want to write it on the actual invitation. Most invites I get seem to have the actual invitation and then multiple little cards and bits of paper about gifts, accommodation, directions etc! I personally like a gift list as like to choose a present for people rather than just bunging cash in an envelope.

You can also add to your list if it gets to the week before and all the reasonably priced bits are gone, so people don't feel they have to buy the £100 item

We didn't have a gift list. Then one of the first people to RSVP was a very, um, forthright family friend who asked my Mum where our gift list was. When she was informed we didn't have one her response was along the lines of not wanting to waste her money and if we couldn't be arsed to provide a gift list she certainly wasn't going to piss about guessing what gift we might like . We had a few similar responses (though generally less direct) and eventually went to John Lewis and got the free tea and cake while happily zapping stuff. Most people who then asked seemed very pleased to know they didn't have to stress! We put one big item on which was a folding dining room table as we don't have room for a real one in our flat, and it was bought by a family member, everything else was between £10 and £60 - we didn't have much so people just chose vouchers if gifts in their price range had run out, but it made it very easy for everyone!

"It is absolutely not done to send a wedding list or reference it in the wedding invitation. As Titus says, the way to do it is invite, then people call your parents and they say, "oh, no need for gifts" guests say, "oh but we must" your parents say, "well if you must, coralpig likes x charity and they do have a list at y place". It's utterly ridiculous but works!"

Oh, for god's sake.

I prefer that the couple are registered at a big shop.
That way they buy off the list and the shop deletes that item, so you you don't end up with 20 wooden spoons.
If theres no register I get things like sets of pyrex oven proof casseroles or bowls. You end up needing them eventually if you tend to drop things like me.

A good friend of mine once emailed me and a few other close friends her John Lewis gift list (before the invitations were sent out) so that we didn't "miss out on the better gifts". the first thing listed was a huge tele for £2,500!

The emailing seemed very tacky and grabby to me.

I agree, Tacky that is grabby!

However, I would expect to see a gift list in with the invitations now, and as long as its worded properly I don't see a problem with it at all. I wouldn't dream of turning up empty-handed so it takes all the hassle out of choosing what to buy. I don't like wasting my money, so I'd rather know what I'm spending it on is going to be used and appreciated, rathe than stuck in a cupboard or sent to the charity shop.

Tacky???? CoffeeCoffee even!!!

We weren't going to do one. Then a load of relatives complained including my mother which I was surprised about.
We added a load of £1-15 things at Debenhams. For a laugh DH added something hideous and expensive not expecting anyone to actually buy it. His cousin did a ludicrous list with nothing less than £200 so we were laughing about putting just that on the list when we were sending out to her.

Someone bought it (not the cousin)

And we had to live with it ever since.

I think it's fine. We had a couple of more expensive items on ours and like you had a mixture of guests, from not long out of college friends to comfortably off relatives.

We also had vouchers from some people, cash from my dads side of the family as that's what they do and few off-list items.

So long as you're giving people options and not being demanding about it, it's fine.

Jesus Christ what IS Mumsnet's obsession with weddings and 'rudeness' about gift lists.

I AM 52 AND HAVE A VERY WIDE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS AND LARGE FAMILY. GIFT LISTS ARE FINE/NORMAL. PUTTING GIFT LISTS IN INVITATIONS IS FINE/NORMAL AND MAKE THINGS EASY FOR GUEST.

I do think some people on here must have miserable little lives where they begrudge having to leave their houses, feel happy for anyone else or celebrate joyous occasions. Or that they are social inept or confused or don't actually have many friends!

OP I think it's perfectly ok to have a few expensive items. You'r'e doing the right thing having an array of differently priced gifts.

Congrats on your wedding!

I think your wording is fine but putting three-figure items on your list is not on - very rude to assume anyone can or would want to spend that much on you.

the fact that you've gone to such trouble to compile a gift list means i wouldn't believe your 'no gift is necessary' bit. i would think that you're secretly hoping that most will buy you something from your list.

think about what you really want, and then word it in a nice way. but with that wording, it's ambiguous.

as for putting more expensive items on, that's ok, as long as you have cheap ones too. also, i don't know if there is a way to check whether all the cheap things have been bought? i went to a colleague's wedding on a friday (had to take a fucking day off and hire a car! they were divorced 2 years later). i left it to the last few days to buy her gift and the cheapest thing was an £80 dinner plate. grrr