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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

180 replies

coralpig · 13/05/2016 23:22

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 14/05/2016 01:08

That's fine. Unless your family are actually listed in Debrett's I don't think you need to listen to Terry's very old fashioned advice.

BillSykesDog · 14/05/2016 01:09

I mean, 90% of the people I invited to my wedding wouldn't even know my parents name, let alone ring them for a chat.

Beeziekn33ze · 14/05/2016 01:10

I believe that JL and some other stores who hold wedding lists will actually provide gift tokens/credit to the value of the gifts guests choose if asked. Has anyone experienced this?

Winterbiscuit · 14/05/2016 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GarlicShake · 14/05/2016 01:17

YANBU. Have a lovely wedding!

waitingforsomething · 14/05/2016 01:25

Yanbu. We put a couple of more expensive items on our list because we have some relatives that we knew would be likely to give a larger value gift. As long as there are plenty of affordable items it doesn't matter. At the end of the day no one had to get it!

KoalaDownUnder · 14/05/2016 01:50

YABU.

Mentioning gifts on the invitation is rude.

Virtually nobody here will agree with me, and I'm fine with that. Smile

MrsJoeyMaynard · 14/05/2016 02:41

I like getting details of gift lists with the invites. We're going to get a gift anyway, so I'd rather know I'm getting something the bride and groom want. We generally just give cash if there's no wedding list details. I always figured that the bride and groom would be busy enough with wedding planning without having to field enquiries about presents.

As for asking the parents - most of the wedding invites we've had have been RSVP to the bride and groom rather than their parents, so it's not generally straightforward to contact the parents without going through the bride / groom anyway.

But back to the OP - I think it's fine to have a few expensive items on a wedding list as long as there's plenty of more affordable options.

toastyarmadillo · 14/05/2016 03:35

Some of my guests asked my dm what to buy and even though we had a list she got them to buy a pile of crap off list that SHE felt newly weds needed. After that I wouldn't be asking anyone other than the bride and groom what they wanted! Bollocks to debretts.

Only1scoop · 14/05/2016 04:24

'Thank you for your generosity'

Cringe

Stanky · 14/05/2016 04:43

We didn't have a wedding list, as we didn't feel comfortable with receiving gifts. We just asked for people to come and share our day with us, and don't worry about gifts at all. Of course, people kindly gave us gifts any way. I found it a bit awkward, but we had plenty of Argos vouchers to pay for a washing machine and an oven when we moved. Do whatever you feel comfortable with, and have a lovely wedding.

BlossomMagic · 14/05/2016 04:47

I think some big items is a great idea. I used to love to choose a particular item from the list, but now that I've been to several thousand weddings, I prefer to club together with friends and get one big thing and let someone else organise it

I love to receive wedding lists - if I don't get a wedding list included with the invitation, I often don't bother to give anything, as I hate giving money.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 14/05/2016 04:52

Sounds fine, leave the generosity bit off though. I've been married twice, on both occasions it was up to the guest to give, lists are a bit crass aren't they? I find weddings a bit weird in that respect, I'm just happy that people turn up.

Fizzielove · 14/05/2016 05:32

The most expensive item on our list was the first one to be bought!! Go figure! I really didn't think anyone would be so generous!

mailfuckoff · 14/05/2016 05:37

Dh and I both put one large ticket dream item on our wedding list, and the option for people to buy vouchers. My large ticket item was bought outright (thank you ex boss) and the vouchers we got covered dh gift and half a tv. The cash we got covered the other half of the tv. It's a very good tv and still going at 7 years old.

Baboooshka · 14/05/2016 05:54

Some of my guests asked my dm what to buy and even though we had a list she got them to buy a pile of crap off list that SHE felt newly weds needed.

This is what I always think would've happened with my mum, if anyone had asked! She would've gone mad on a life-improvement spree. We would've got:

an iron
an ironing board
a valence for the bed
shoe-polishing kit
kitchen-roll holder
teapot
beige court shoes
a sign for the mirror saying 'stand up straight, you look much better'

I got married at 29. The idea of grown-up friends, who've never met my parents, calling them to ask what I'd like seems surreal. I love getting a gift list: it's like finding someone else's shopping list in your trolley. Definitely put some bigger items on there, too, if only because teaspoons and mugs get monotonous.

Bumshkawahwah · 14/05/2016 06:01

YANBU

I would much, much rather be able to access a list of gifts for a couple who are genuinely setting up home. That's what wedding gifts are meant to be for.

It is perfectly reasonable to put a few higher prices items in there for people who may wish to club together. Don't listen to the negative posters on here - you come across as lovely, not grabby.

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 14/05/2016 06:05

Definitely ditch the 'generosity' bit!

I love getting gift suggestions for weddings, if I'm going to spend £40-50 then it seems absolutely right thst I buy someone something they want (and should be the case with any present, frankly yes DB, I mean you )

I also love how it is apparently not the done thing to send gift suggestions with the invite as this is terribly bad manners, yet asking guests to rsvp via a website where they can get such information is perfectly fine. Surely one should be sending an acceptance or regret card to your parents?!

BestOnlineCommentSite · 14/05/2016 06:08

YANBU - it is quite normal to do this.

nooka · 14/05/2016 06:16

I like looking through wedding present lists and picking something that I like and know the couple will like too. Plus I remember how much fun dh and I had making our lists, and how many things we still have 25 years later that still make me think of the person who gave them to us.

A range of values is good, and a few more expensive things are fun to throw in, alongside the more day to day household things.

Birdsgottafly · 14/05/2016 06:28

The last Wedding that I attended, I went with my ex and his Mum/Sister/Brother/SIL, between us, we put more than £150 in cards, so we would have clubbed together and got a more expensive gift, if the option had have been there.

Ignore MN, when it comes to being a Wedding guest. Some of us like the opportunity to get fully 'done up' and enjoy seeing friends/family married, even if it includes travelling and over night stays.

It isn't grabby, everyone I know in RL wouldn't dream of turning up to a Wedding/Party without a gift and if it's Cash that's wanted, or a gift list is provided, it's viewed as making life easier for the giver.

mrsnec · 14/05/2016 06:42

I think it's ok as long as there is a lot of choice on the smaller items. I had friends do this and by the time I got round to buying a gift the only things left on the list I could afford were a garlic press and a corkscrew and they just felt like rubbish presents I would rather have given money or champagne. That couple had big items on there too like brabantia bins and samsonite luggage but I knew they had a lot of friends and family who are much better off than me so it was fine them expecting more from them.

On the other hand she did the same when she had her first baby and I thought that was a bit much.

toastedbeagle · 14/05/2016 06:44

I think it's fine. We had a couple of expensive items, Le creuset pans /casserole etc which were bought by family / parents friends. My mum actually called me to say people had complained there were't enough expensive items so could I add more!

Isetan · 14/05/2016 06:53

I personally think wedding lists are grabby, no matter the wording. The cheaper more affordable items go really quickly and you often end up feeling pressured into parting with more cash than you want. As far as I'm concerned, a few quid in an envelope is more than enough.

If you think is might sound grabby, than there will probably be those who agree with you and combining it with the option of charitable donations, just sounds confusing.

IrregularCommentary · 14/05/2016 06:56

As pp have said, as long as there's a range it's fine. Fwiw, I disagree with people saying a gift list etc is crass.

If I'm going to your wedding, I'm buying you a gift. Same as I'd take wine to your dinner party or a gift to your birthday. Pretending it's not going to happen is just annoying as it takes me longer to find out what you actually want. With a list I can sit and enjoy choosing something that I know you'll appreciate.

Congratulations on the wedding btw Smile

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