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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to put some expensive items on the wedding gift list

180 replies

coralpig · 13/05/2016 23:22

I'm bracing myself for the responses.
We are compiling our wedding gift list. We have been a couple for a long time but will be setting up home together properly once we marry so no house things really apart from the remnants of student things and whatever we old things we have nabbed from our parents.

I've made sure to add lots of items at the £5-£20 mark but I would really like to add a few more items that are considerably more expensive so £100-£150. Is this unreasonable and does it look bratty?

Our wording on invitations says: we would love to have you at our wedding, no gift is necessary. We are accepting charitable donations to insert charity name here that support orphans in our native countries. If you would like to purchase a gift we have a list with insert store name here the gift list number is.... Thank you for your generosity."

Is this unreasonable and does it look grabby? I know lots of people hate lists on invitations. We are a young couple on v low income and don't have lots of money - we have friends of family from lots of different backgrounds if that is at all relevant.

OP posts:
Muskateersmummy · 14/05/2016 08:30

I much prefer a gift list than a request for money or no guidance at all. With a gift lift you know your getting something they want and can choose to spend as much or as little as you like. Most places now give little cards out so its not like a long list of items. It's good to put a mix of prices, some folks amazed us with their generousity.

Congrats on the wedding!

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 08:33

And I am clearly inept at typing. Must learn to preview.

Remiggio · 14/05/2016 08:33

My friends didn't do a list, they asked for money...and ended up with a ridiculous amount of champagne!

MadMags · 14/05/2016 08:34

What about asking for vouchers for the store instead of the gift list?

That way, you can purchase your own things and people can give whatever they want (financially) without having to pick from the list?

sparechange · 14/05/2016 08:35

I love it when MN gets all Hyacyth Bucket about wedding invitations Grin
The only person outside these threads who thinks it is unacceptable to include gift list details on the invitation is that strange Malfoy-alike who write in the Daily Fail.

I've been to some veh veh smart weddings and the invitation came with a pack of information that included details on local hotels (also technically 'rude' because it assumes the guest will accept and therefore need accommodation) and gift list details. Most also include an RSVP card which is also the height of bad manners if you live with one foot in a Jane Austen novel.

OP, it is fine to have some expensive items. Some relatives might want to fork out, some friends might want to club together to buy something big.
Ignore the hair shirt lot on here. Unless you are serving homemade sandwiches in your mum's garden wearing a second hand dress, so you can afford to invite every single person you've ever met and every child they've ever met, you'll be doing something wrong in their eyes.

Witchend · 14/05/2016 08:37

Every wedding I've been invited to has had a little note in to say that the gift list is available from parents/whatever store.
As the invitation traditionally comes from the bride's parents it is from them in that case not the couple.

cdtaylornats · 14/05/2016 08:38

Most weddings I've been to I've been told which shop had the wedding list, otherwise how do you know.

Alconleigh · 14/05/2016 08:42

It's probably ok, as long as the majority of things on the list are at the lower end of the scale. Given how much most weddings have cost me to attend I won't spend more than about £50 on a present, even for a very close friend.

Bringiton2016 · 14/05/2016 08:44

I would secretly judge you for having a gift list at all. A wedding is a celebration of you marrying the person you love. End of.

randomsabreuse · 14/05/2016 08:46

We set up a list as from a guest perspective going off list is soo stressful and it's far easier to have a list to look at, even if just to get an idea of taste/colour preferences...

Friends without a lost got 3 breadmakers!!!

whois · 14/05/2016 08:49

If you want gifts then it's much better to have a gift list. It helps guests who can be like "want to spend £20, don't know what on, oh she likes these lovely mugs on the gift list, I'll get them this"

However I do think the idea of gifts at a wedding is a bit out dated. And asking for cash is way worse. I'll never give cash at a wedding, it's not pay per view.

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2016 08:49

I would secretly judge you for having a gift list at all. A wedding is a celebration of you marrying the person you love. End of.

So it's bad to make it easier for all all those people who want to buy you a present? Judge away. I don't follow your logic.

diddl · 14/05/2016 08:53

I don't understand why you you put that no gift is necessary then mention a charity & add a gift list!

LunaLoveg00d · 14/05/2016 08:53

I wasn't comfortable with putting reference to gifts at all in the invitations. I do think it's rude and the poems are just vomit-worthy.

We did what MrsTerryPratchett said - we had a list at Debenhams and if anyone asked directly (either us or sets of parents) then we told them. I really don't like putting cards in with the invitation though. We had a huge range of stuff on the wedding list, we were asking for a whole dinner service but it was split individually so people could buy a cup or two plates or whatever.

We also had quite a few people coming from overseas and who did their own thing when it came to presents and that was great too.

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 08:57

sparechange I agree re Hyacinth Bucket comments!

In real life no one bats an eye at gift lists, they are welcomed as they make life easier.

As for the poster secretly judging, says far more about the judger then the judgee! Some people are just anti happiness I guess and like to find things to be outraged about.

Only1scoop · 14/05/2016 09:00

I also think it's a bit naff to be honest....

If you wanted the guests to gift the charity you would surely just put the charity?

Note.... here is the charity we would like you to donate to if you wish?

Or these steak knives for 150 quid from JL?

Just doesn't sit right with me

Is it a new thing on invites?

diddl · 14/05/2016 09:01

To answer the question, you can put down any price of gift you like & people can buy it or not as they like.

HungryHorace · 14/05/2016 09:01

Debretts suggests it's fine to put a list in:

www.debretts.com/weddings/engagements-and-invitations/wedding-gift-lists

FWIW, I think it's normal and totally acceptable to put a list in / ask for money towards something specific. It's the pearl-clutchers who are non-existent in the world I live in!

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 09:02

I do agree re charity though, yes.

Have one or the other - gift list or charity donation request.

AprilShowers16 · 14/05/2016 09:04

I think it's fine to put some higher price items on, it's good to remember that often friends and family WANT to buy you a present/give a gift (something that's not always clear on mn wedding list threads!) and it's much better to list things you actually want then end up with £200 spent on something you don't. We were really surprised by the generosity of older relatives - I think because they don't have a wedding every other weekend like our peers they were genuinely really excited and please to buy gifts/outfits etc. I don't think it's a problem saying gift isn't necessary and then having a gift list - there will be lots of different people at your wedding, I know I sometimes haven't been able to afford a gift (wedding every other weekend) and so acknowledging that on the card is helpful

Lemonade1 · 14/05/2016 09:06

HungryHorace it's actually taken me nine years on Mumsnet to realise there is a swathe of people who don't have much of a real life and comment on things they have very very little experience of. Disclaimer: there are also loads of fabulously intelligent and interesting and well-rounded posters too!!

Milzilla · 14/05/2016 09:07

We got married weekend before last. No mention of gifts, no gift list.

Surprise surprise no ten toasters/17 bath towels! We got some really lovely, thoughtful gifts including money, vouchers, prosecco, glasses, spa hotel stay (from my parents, personalised prints etc.

I firmly believe it's up to the guest whether to give a gift and what that gift is. Yes there are things we need, but we'll get those ourselves.

Each to their own though, I don't mind providing requested cash or buying off a gift list - but it certainly wasn't for us.

Bringiton2016 · 14/05/2016 09:09

If you are going to ask for presents please make sure you send thank you cards, or at least acknowledge the gift in some way. Out of the last ten weddings I've been to, only two did this. Only one had a gift list and most of the others had begging poems.

amazingtracy · 14/05/2016 09:10

backforgood I purposely buy utter shit if given a gift list because I think it's greedy to expect your guests to fund you in any way.
It's literally an invitation to a party with a bill attached!
If there's a gift list you'll get a useless bowl, if not I will write a cheque.
However- I generally decline invites as I hate weddings! No matter how hard people try to be different and special........they more they are the same.

Bringiton2016 · 14/05/2016 09:12

Same as Milzilla