Mother in law & granddaughter's periods

[clare21]

My mother in law has asked twice if our 12 year old daughter's periods have started. Both times on the phone, both time I have dodged it. Last night I said DD would be mortified if she thought we were talking about her and suggested we left it. I don't really think it's any of her business. I am probably being over sensitive but why should I share puberty intricacies....

Haven't RTFT, but if she asks again I would reply
"Funny you should ask. DD wanted to know if your periods have stopped yet?"

Two of my granddaughters so far have asked when my periods stopped. I didn't have any problem with telling them.

The you tube video above.... brilliant!

The Newsweek cover is brilliant.

Seems general agreement that grandmother has no right to know, but divided opinion on whether it is ok for her to ask.

I'm curious to know if people's concept of privacy extends to mothers. How would you deal with it if your dd didn't want to discuss her periods with YOU?

sorry of it has already been said, but this does vary enormously from culture to culture.

My SIL is from a culture where the occasion is marked by a gift, usually gold.
He mother asked, so she could buy her granddaughters gifts to mark the occasion.

Having grown up with that as part of the culture, I don't think the girls were bothered. But it wasn't a big deal and a party occasion as it would have been if they still lived in their original country.

Sometimes we are so uptight about stuff. I would have shrugged my shoulders at the question when I was 13, periods were a normal part of life, my mum taught me to take them in my stride.

I think that it is significant it is MIL not DM asking, so two families with possibly very different attitudes to this?

This is slightly off topic, but I take the line my girls (both young!) should just know this stuff. So they know when I'm on my period (sometimes because then I usually don't want them to come into the toilet with me if we're out at cafes etc, but wait just by the door - but sometimes they have to!). One of my children (nearly 5) bellowed in the swimming pool toilets "are you on your period mummy" when this happened recently. Another lady then said in a shocked voice "oh you are far too young to know about that!". When I came out, the lady having gone, my daighter was confused about why she was too young.

Giving your MIL the benefit of the doubt, does DD ever stay with her? Does she want to know so that if DD gets her period while there she will have supplies and be prepared? I told my DM for that very reason. She got supplies in and nothing was ever said again.

How would you deal with it if your dd didn't want to discuss her periods with YOU?

The only reason I or DH need to know is because someone need to buy the sanitary products.

She been told by last school what to expect they were very good with that they gradually build it up though they started age appropriately in reception , I've had many conversations over years with her about will happening during puberty, she has books in her room about it all, she knows she can ask questions of us - and does with sex at random intervals.

She already has some stuff pads and tampons in her draws ready- I've suggested a bag to carry around in school bag and am looking out for one - suggested she carries pads and change of knickers and possibly tights. She has a bin with liners and flip lid in her room and already know where to empty it and does so every so often with no prompting.

I've no idea how far off she is as I was early but she is less developed than me at same age so might be later.

If she uncomfortable - I can offer pain killers and hot water bottles but she knows she can ask for that anyway.

What discussion is require?

gwen

If the 12yo goes into a shop to buy stuff and bumps into granny then that's something for the 12yo to decide how she wishes to deal with.

It is not a decision someone else gets to make for her.

People talk about all sorts they decide as they are going along what they are comfortable talking about and who with and that's ok because out bodies are our own.

It's very normal for people to chat about periods it's very normal for people to have a winge about them if they feel crappy BUT that is talking about their own periods not raising a conversation about someone else's.
It's not promoting any time of anti feminist agenda or period shame to make it clear that a 12yo has complete body autonomy and she has the right to decide who she discusses it with

Think she's just curious/ doesn't want to feel left out of the loop.

My mum phone every female member of our family when I got mine. Mega

I have family in a country where it's not uncommon for girls to kill themselves when their first period arrives , as they are ashamed and frightened. Let's shroud it in mystery again shall we ?

I can't see what the big deal is. Just an interested gran. What a fuss about nothing.

er, it's not a matter of Never Speaking Of It or allowing absolutely everyone to know. Therés a middle course of appreciating that girls react differently, some might be fine about everyone knowing, some might be very shy and feel acutely uncomfortable. A bit of sensitivity and asking what the girl herself is comfortable with seems the best!

In practical terms, maybe the best way to handle this would be to say to MIL that she hasn't started yet but that you'll tell her when she does, so that she can get some stuff in.

Footle Tue 10-May-16 13:07:07
I have family in a country where it's not uncommon for girls to kill themselves when their first period arrives , as they are ashamed and frightened. Let's shroud it in mystery again shall we?

But the OP is not trying to shroud it in mystery, she's just saying it's up to her DD if she wants to discuss it with others.

I've been open with my own DD, but told her it was her choice who she spoke to about it. She talks about periods with me and her GM (my mother), but I know she would never have spoken with MIL when MIL was alive, simply because MIL couldn't keep anything secret.

There has never been any shame in our house about periods, but many teens do go through a period around puberty when they really want masses of privacy. DD was like that and I can see DS going through a similar phase now.

And in line with my view that all people have bodily autonomy, I respect their right to privacy about it too, and let them take the lead in discussing it if they want to. I won't force them to.

I didn't tell my mother when I started my periods, not sure why, perhaps just didn't see why she needed to know. Looking back, she must have realised but we never discussed it.
Talked to my friends, some had already started so I knew what was happening and why and had been looking forward to it. I had a Saturday job and bought pads and felt very grown up

I wouldn't have minded either way, but my sister is 15 now and is more shy about it, so I really agree it's your daughters choice on whether she talks to any grandparents about it. Me and my sister have obviously not grown up thinking of it as a 'dirty little secret' but we're just very different.

Maybe she does feel she has a right to know as a grandparent but I don't think she does unless your DD agrees to it. I'm years off yet but don't think I would discuss my daughters bodily functions with either set of grandparents. I also wouldn't need to tell them how many times a day she goes to the toilet. It's personal and therefore that persons choice whether they tell anyone and whom they tell.

I can remember very vividly the acute embarrassment when my Mum made a joke about the amount of sanitary products I had stashed in my chest of drawers in front of my older brother, sister and father.

MIL is quite full on with questioning. I can't work out why she wants to know (not that the reason really matters), I think it's just curiosity. It's the second time she's asked, both on the phone. There's no space for sleepovers, so she doesn't need to get supplies in, and the kids tend not to go there on their own as it's a way away. She's a step granny / MIL but my DH's mum isn't on the scene so she's very much the paternal granny. She was quite open to all about her experience of the menopause, so I just think either she didn't find periods / puberty embarrassing or she's forgotten what it's like to be a 12 year old (and I mean that in a nice way).

Right or wrongly I think it's up to a child to decide for themselves if they want to talk openly about puberty, and if she doesn't bring it up herself with her grannies then I'm not doing it on her behalf.

"The only reason I or DH need to know is because someone need to buy the sanitary products."

Well, she could be given pocket money for that.
The issue is more about feeling free to talk about it and to say why you have headache/backache or whatever. In my family, if you couldn't give a reason for why you didn't feel well it wasn't taken seriously and I remember being forced to pick strawberries when my back was killing me once. It really is better if you can be open about things. It doesn't mean anyone should be forced to say anything, but the environment should be welcoming.

Gwen , in other families most adults have the wit to realise that if a teenage girl complains of abdominal cramps that it's likely to be due to them having a period, without the poor girl having to provide detailed reasons/ diagrams/ evidence. It's not a welcoming environment if girls are forced to disclose details about their bodies that they are not comfortable with sharing.

There are two issues here.

One is that cultural expectations in many societies bring an element of shame to women's biology, with menstruating/post-partum girls and women being shunned, or forced to live in dangerous conditions, or with their sanitary needs not provided for, or with the pain and complications of genuine medical conditions being dismissed as 'just women's problems'. Clearly this situation is wrong, and it's absolutely desperate for those women and babies pushed out to live in cowsheds after giving birth because they are considered 'unclean', or the women and girls at risk of rape and murder in remote locations because they are forced out of their homes while menstruating. Nosey grannies demanding personal information isn't going to help these women one jot.

Even in the UK, the growing demands from some MRAs/TRAs to decouple the rights of women from the legal protections available in respect of their biology drive women's medical and reproductive rights further into the background. Likewise, politicians legislate over women's bodies, with women criminalised in some countries for suffering a stillbirth or miscarriage. In the US, politicians force through anti-abortion legislation while pressuring their own wives and mistresses to have abortions themselves. Religious and political leaders- the vast majority of whom are men- are dictating how society must treat women and their reproductive health, and using threats and violence against women who don't comply. Somehow, as women, we need to fight against this with a unified voice.

However, the drive to improve attitudes to women's health DOES NOT compel any woman or girl to give up her rights to medical privacy. The second issue, which is obviously closely linked to the first, is that women and girls do (in the UK at least) have the right to bodily autonomy. That means that the OP doesn't have the right to share the OP's information with just any person who asks (obviously circumstances which involve the need for health care professionals may arise and need to be addressed in a particular way).

The way to improve attitudes to menstruation isn't to force 11-year-olds to publicly declare what's going on with their bodies if they choose not to. It's bigger than that.

Perhaps DD has been a bit stroppy or hormoanal resecently so she was just curious?

Or was it relivan to conversation ie. You both like ahhh DD growing so fast etc.

I actually feel sorry for Grandma here. She was probally half thinking aloud. A fly away comment that has totally been took out of context.

No, I think it is a slightly weird and intrusive question. Just one I wouldn't ask as a grandmother. Mind you, my own dd's ask me nosy questions about the menopause and I am not bothered.

Once I was at a neighbourhood bbq and the girlfriend of one of our neighbours actually asked me if my dd had started her periods. I didn't answer because I was so taken aback. Just wrong on every level in this case and really creepy. My overriding thought at the time was to protect my dd's privacy and I think this is what the op is feeling.

I totally agree OP. It is up to your DD. Kids do need their own personal space and this is one aspect of their lives they need to feel in control off. Its a part of growing up. Personal experience I was asked by an aunt if I had had sex. WTF! Apparantly my father would be happy to know I hadn't. I was around 17 I think at the time and I was like why would you even ask its no ones business. busy body aunt. I dont think its right to ask questions of a private nature and find it weird. Its up to the individual how open they are with such information.

It's none of her business.

How odd.