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Original poster

Mother in law & granddaughter's periods

201 replies

clare21 · 09/05/2016 18:56

My mother in law has asked twice if our 12 year old daughter's periods have started. Both times on the phone, both time I have dodged it. Last night I said DD would be mortified if she thought we were talking about her and suggested we left it. I don't really think it's any of her business. I am probably being over sensitive but why should I share puberty intricacies....

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 21:22

If you're friends with the mother and daughter I don't see a problem Needs. If you said something like "I got my periods late too and that turned out fine" it could well help her.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 09/05/2016 21:23

I'm with sockamnesty

The girl's only 12 and periods often don't happen til later.

One tactful query sure; with the hope that the MIL doesn't ask her grandchild directly, because it is deeply personal and a bit of tact is needed. Some girls feel fine with it, some don't, isn't it about being aware that they're growing up, things are changing and they have to get used to it, and often it takes time to get used to and you don't want it trumpted to anyone else?

MatthewWrightIsThick · 09/05/2016 21:24

Periods affect half the population for around half their life. It's an absolutely normal thing that can affect women in a variety of ways, yet in 2016 it's still spoken about in a very hush-hush way, and I think that young girls are made to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this perfectly normal natural thing.

Needing to go for a poo affects the WHOLE population for ALL their lives but I'm still not going to go around chatting about it Confused. It's got nothing to do with being embarrassed.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 21:26

"Would it be ok if the DD asked her granny about her menopause? "

Yes, why not? Most women volunteer the information anyway ime.

mummyto2monkeys · 09/05/2016 21:28

I was late and didn't start my periods until I was 15. I remember my Mum phoning my Grandmother and telling her and then I had to tell my Grandmother on the phone myself. My Grandmother said 'oh that's wonderful Mummyto2, we were all worried that there was something wrong with you ' I also had to call my Grandmother the day that we had living and growing and tell her that we had been taught about sex. Both times I wanted the world to open up and swallow me.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/05/2016 21:31

It's a private thing. Not for general discussion by other people. Yes, it's a natural function, but so are poos and you don't go discussing those with all and sundry. At least most of us don't.

I was once appalled when a male friend, then well over 60, told us about some guests who'd been staying, and added that the young daughter was off colour and being unsociable, since she had her period. I was mortified for the poor girl that her mother had told him such a thing, especially since he's hardly the most discreet person in the world. At that age I would have been mortified in the extreme.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 21:31

"what in earth would make you think any someone who does not wish to have personal conversations with family members about what their body would also have a problem taking care of a personal purchase in a chemist or supermarket, it would be quite usual to just pick them up and buy them without feeling the need to have a full and open conversation abut it to the staff in the shop."

People are saying that whether or not DD has started her periods should be kept a secret from her grandmother. My point is that everyone in the shop will know, so why not gm?

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 21:31

What an utterly stupid comparison, Matthew. Your namesake doesn't appear to be the only one who's thick. A better comparison would be with breastfeeding, something that was all hush hush and only talked about behind closed doors (and obviously never seen). Now women are openly breastfeeding in public. It would be nice to think we could head towards a world where a girl or woman wouldn't feel she'd have to hide her tampon up her sleeve, that we could be open about how PMT affects us (wasn't there a news story recently about a company allowing flexible working for menstruating women), that we weren't made to feel that our natural scents were disgusting and should be covered up with nasty chemicals. No?

Just5minswithDacre · 09/05/2016 21:32

Yes me too. I think I'm too old for MN.

No it's the others who are too twatty to communicate normally. Don't go.

motherinferior · 09/05/2016 21:34

She's probably of the generation of women who started talking openly about periods, did self-examination with speculums (I remember deeply impressive photo-features in Spare Rib) and was generally a bit less buttoned-up about these things.

Not all of us over 50 are shuffling our clapped-out female parts towards the grave, you know.

lljkk · 09/05/2016 21:35

Some breast-beating posts here for sure...

My DD would be fine if I told MIL, btw, not every girl finds it mortifying. Fine to say it's too personal to share, too. Take some chill pills methinks.

NewLife4Me · 09/05/2016 21:35

I'm glad my family aren't so bloody anal and can discuss such things.
Mortified that a granny knows, I've heard it all now.
I feel so blessed with my future dils, hadn't considered the alternative until tonight.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 21:36

"poo affects the WHOLE population for ALL their lives but I'm still not going to go around chatting about it"

The gm didn't ask her gd for a long chat about it (though I don't see anything wrong with that). It's more the equivalent of excusing yourself to go to the toilet.

TattyDevine · 09/05/2016 21:36

I figure if my mother had a close enough relationship with my daughter, (same for mother in law, aunt, or anyone else), she could tell them herself. If she doesn't get that opportunity, or doesn't seek it out, then she doesn't want me to tell.

Goingthedistance · 09/05/2016 21:40

she asked a question, in passing
To be fair, OP hasn't confirmed the context of the question yet. There's not a lot of info and a lot of speculation so far.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 21:42

It's more the equivalent of excusing yourself to go to the toilet.
How LOL?
you excuse YOURSELF to go to the toilet, you don't get asked "are you due a poo now?"

The DGD is free to tell her gran if she choses to , the OP has said nothing to discourage this

MatthewWrightIsThick · 09/05/2016 21:43

RiverTam. Hmm There is no need to insult me just because you don't agree with my comment. I've not been rude to anyone.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 21:45

"you excuse YOURSELF to go to the toilet, you don't get asked "are you due a poo now?"

When I was young "are you regular?" was actually a common question from grandparents. It was embarrassing to us youngsters, but not so much for their generation.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 21:47

If you're friends with the mother and daughter I don't see a problem Needs. If you said something like "I got my periods late too and that turned out fine" it could well help her

Now that would be incredibly unkind of me because I happen to know that whilst yes the daughter loves her mother she does not wish her to be privy to personal stuff. And yes I'm friends with both.

I also happen to know why the daughter is not having periods and I know that the only other people who know are HCP's.

Even if I didn't know that I still wouldn't prompt a conversation about it without being certain that the person who the information was about was happy for me to do so.

CinderellaFant · 09/05/2016 21:49

Gosh only on mumsnet would their be countless threads and posts about how we need to 'normalise' periods, yet as soon as a MIL asks if her grand daughter has started yet, all of a sudden it's hush hush and MIL is odd and over invested!

It's interesting that such embarrassment and awkwardness surround a natural bodily function which is experienced by half the population. We don't hide away toilet paper, so why hide tampons etc??

SewSlapdash · 09/05/2016 21:56

It's not about hiding periods or blasting away the last taboo. Surely the idea behind openness concerning menstruation is that people aren't afraid to ask questions if they want to and to talk about them if they want to.

I have no qualms discussi my periods with people if I want or need to. I don't feel the need to discuss them with my grandmother thanks very much. Why are the period liberationists so determined to take away the daughter's right to privacy and choice? Would you encourage her to discuss her bowel movements or masturbatory habits with her grandmother? Surely those are equally natural bodily functions Hmm

Chattymummyhere · 09/05/2016 21:56

If the dgm wants to know she should ask the DD. I've got no issue talking about periods however I talk about my periods or whoever has brought up the conversations periods I wouldn't start telling my mum that my sil/mil was having a bad period.

It's up to the person having or not having a period who they want to share that information with not anyone else.

I've had mc, perfectly natural and happens to loads of people I haven't told my mum or mil I have spoken to friends about them who have brought up such topics nobody has aright to that information just because their related to me and that's another thing we are meant to be breaking the taboo about.

CantAffordtoLive · 09/05/2016 21:59

No. She shouldn't ask the child. It's none of her business and she may well embarrass the child by asking. The child may not be able to deflect the question or politely decline to answer.

Yes periods happen but it's a personal bodily function and does not involve anyone else at all. Jesus Christ. What is it with people these days?

Aprille · 09/05/2016 22:01

The way that we as women were told about periods shapes how we would like our daughters and grandchildren to be able to discuss them.

My mother was told nothing and thought she was dying when she got her first period. And still her mother told her absolutely nothing, just made to feel dirty and disgusting and confused. It actually traumatised her.

She vowed that (even though she was herself quite prudish and deeply religious) she would be as open as possible with her daughters about their bodies natural functions, and sex ed.. And she was. Always approachable about anything we experienced. I'll always be grateful to her for that. Smile

I could easily see my mum asking about her granddaughter like this but it would be coming from a kind place and would feel awful if she unintentionally embarrassed her, just likely her remembering her awful experience and hoping that my niece had a better one and trying in her own way to normalise periods.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 22:03

Whose hiding tampons?

Some of us are just saying that if the 12yo wished to have that conversation with her GM or aunt or uncle or peers or other close person, it is her choice and not a choice someone should make for her and it's a subject that should be led by her.

And some people think it's a bit personal to be asking people about other people's personal stuff (I said I think it's rude to ask).

gwen the shop thing, random strangers who notice what's in your trolley then do not care or even remember 5 seconds later are a bit different to people who are somehow involved in your life on many different levels.

And I have been purchasing large quantities of sanitary protection for months now without anybody paying attention to it, they are not for me, nobody knows that nobody needs to know that nobody cares.

My own mother would have no clue about my scent free bleach free pad purchasing habits and wouldn't have a clue about my periods, I'm not shy about them (even when having them) I'm not bothered by them but o do get to decide for myself who I converse with about them.