Mother in law & granddaughter's periods

[clare21]

My mother in law has asked twice if our 12 year old daughter's periods have started. Both times on the phone, both time I have dodged it. Last night I said DD would be mortified if she thought we were talking about her and suggested we left it. I don't really think it's any of her business. I am probably being over sensitive but why should I share puberty intricacies....

Wanting/respecting privacy does NOT mean that there necessarily must be shame or embarrassment involved.

I DON'T hide away my tampons. Periods DO come up in conversation amongst my friends (male and female), and I'll keenly participate. My parents are both doctors who were very open and on the ball about teaching me about my body from a young age. I was educated and completely understanding of the fact that periods are completely natural and nothing to ever be ashamed of. I knew I could talk to either of them about anything.

Regardless of all that, I still wanted privacy. Because it's natural for a lot of people (especially those going through puberty) to just want privacy.

I told MIL because Dd had started her first period at granny's. She spends a lot of time there so MIL bought her some stuff in case she ever needs it.

You know I might even have an ancient fanny myself, and nfw would I be asking about ANY 12 yo's puberty because it's a personal thing, teenagers are easily mortified and despite being a long way past my fortieth birthday, I do remember being embarrassed by everything at that age. I think it's very odd of a grandparent to be asking about their grandchild's puberty at all really. Other than the traditional 'aren't you getting tall' remarks.

I wouldn't have wanted a family discussion on my periods. I think it's fair enough to turn a personal, nosey, intrusive question back on the person asking it. Hence the ancient fanny remark. If I'd asked the question of my 12yo gdd, I would expect to be fair game for a rude question in return.

My MIL announced to all and sundry that me and her son where having sex - most people I didn't really know and really couldn't see why they needed the information and a few really did embarrasses us - we were both over 18 at the point as well.

I didn't appreciate that at all TBH - she been pushy about asking about contraceptive we use over the many years and seemed very put out and shocked we did't announce TTC or run it past them.

I'd be very worried about her embarrassing my DD in a similar fashion.

She told and talked about in past about peoples mc and accidental pg stuff told in confidence- stuff she is told is passes on. It's not malicious more unthinking, though not sure about the sex announcement, but other peoples personal information is gossip to her though usually discrete gossip.

Incidentally my own mother or female relatives are not people who I'd discuss it with either. If DD wants to tell people it's her information.

So depend on what MIL is like and asking why she wants to know would be informative as well. I do think it's a bit odd though.

I completely agree that periods are not something to be ashamed of, and totally abhor those religious and cultural diktats which insist that menstruating women /girls, or post-partum mothers, must be kept separate from the rest of society. We should be normalising periods as part of the wider picture of showing the world that this is what female biology is.

On the other hand, I don't think we need to insist that adolescent girls should be the pioneers of this movement. And whatever our own views about periods, we should also be teaching and showing girls that they are the people who should make decisions about their own bodies. Part of that empowerment process is allowing adolescent girls the right to choose how much information they choose to share about their bodies, especially at a time when they may be struggling to come to terms with the changes they are going through.

It's all well and good jumping on the 'do away with period secrecy' brigade bus here but cast your minds back to when you were that age - would you have wanted your mother discussing your periods with your grandmother? Thought not.

Her mum is protecting her daughter's privacy. At 12 I can pretty much say with certainty we were all still very uncomfortable in our own skins and puberty just adds to that, it takes us all a little time to emerge as the wonderful butterflies who're confident enough to discuss periods so matter of factly.

Poor Granny.

''Would anyone phone up and ask if their grandson had had his first wet dream?''
My MIL probably would . She and I were discussing 12-year-old DD a few weeks ago and she asked if she'd started her periods yet - perfectly normal question in the context (DD's height) and not intrusive in any way. She brought up six children herself, she has lots of grandchildren, she was a teacher - she likes children and is interested in them. And periods are nothing to be ashamed of.

DD1 would probably be mortified but frankly if I allow my conversations to be restricted by all the things that mortify her nowadays I might as well take a vow of silence.

Don't hide tampons. Not remotely bothered who sees mine, and am open about periods when relevant/appropriate.

I still wouldn't share the info about someone else's pubertal status. It isn't my info to share. Being a child's relative doesn't mean you can ignore boundaries, or basic respect for their autonomy and privacy.

What Inertia said ^

Also, the MIL asked her granddaughters mother a question, she didn't stand outside and yell HAVE YOU STARTED YET through a megaphone.

12-year-olds are embarrassed by mum's very existence, you're right you can't organize your conversations around her being mortified, SchnitzelVonKrumm.

I find it less appropriate to ask a third party, tbh.

DS is diagnosed with ASD. I supported him when he chose to give a presentation to his class on it, and what it meant. I was bloody proud of him for that. I still don't blab on Facebook about his being ASD and am extremely cautious on who I tell and what I tell them, because it is also private information and he has the right to decide who he tells, and when, and how, and the older he gets the more that is the case.

Telling a GM so the child has support as a guest is sensible. Satisfying curiosity is not okay IMO. It's the young person's information to share - not a juicy little tidbit for the two older generations to gossip about.

For me it has nothing to do with shame over periods and everything to do with an understanding that my kids are not my property, or an extension of myself.

SchnitzelVonKrumm - that was why I said it depended on what the GM was like.

My MIL would get the information in a private conversation or work it out ( in case of us and sex) and then tell everyone loudly.

If GM here is discrete and doesn't have form for that kind of behaviour that that isn't a concern.

It is up to your daughter who she discusses it with- while I think it perfectly normal, and you should be open, you are entitled to privacy.
I think holding parties, having presents etc is pretty dire.

It's funny, I read your post and agreed it was intrusive but then remembered that I told my mum and sister when dd started.
dd knew i told them and wasn't bothered.
We all moan about about periods so it's something we did/do discuss.
Although mum is post meno now.

It's got NOTHING to do with whether it's anything to be ashamed of.

It's a question of personal privacy. Person A has no right to ask about or discuss such a thing concerning person B, with person C or anyone else, unless they absolutely know 100% that person B would not give a toss. Which would not usually be the case with a young girl in that situation. That age can be hyper sensitive and terribly easily embarrassed. And it's no use telling them they shouldn't care, since 'it's nothing to be ashamed of'.

Some people are just over-nosy about very personal matters, only they like to call it 'being open and honest' since it sounds so much better.

Everyone's focusing on the shame of having a period - but there's a hell of a lot of shame for a 12-year-old who's not got her period yet, particularly these days when so many girls enter puberty at 10 or so. I didn't get my first period until I was 14, and I felt like a freak who was never going to grow up. I felt enough pressure about my body without having to think that my grandmother was out there waiting on tenterhooks for me to 'become a woman'.

I suppose I think the kind and dignified thing when you've got a relative who is going through the social agony of puberty is to be approachable for them to tell you what they want without being over-invested in the details.

"gwen the shop thing, random strangers who notice what's in your trolley then do not care or even remember 5 seconds later are a bit different to people who are somehow involved in your life on many different levels."

Needs, the gm could easily happen to be in the same shop. My point is that it's not something you can keep absolutely secret anyway.

"Yes periods happen but it's a personal bodily function and does not involve anyone else at all. "

It does affect other people though if you're in pain on the first day and have to excuse yourself from family activities. It's useful if people understand why.

You are doing the right thing OP.

I think my mum told everyone she knew including the postman and distant relatives. Mortified is not the word, there is no word to describe how I felt.

Gwen but you wouldn't excuse yourself from activities by saying "sorry guys I don't feel well, I really need a poo!" Would you? Bodily functions don't have to be openly discussed.

It is vaguely analogous to the private body parts and touching question. We teach our children they have a right to keep parts of their body private and not to be touched when they don't want to even if that may exclude quite a few perfectly innocent interactions, and adults these day accept this because of the overall aim. In the same way, having the confidence to say "I don't want this part of my life talked about, I have a right to feel embarrassed about this" will help young girls to put a stop from leering and inappropriate conversations: knowing that you don't have to put up with inappropriate Uncle Bill's speculations about your body is empowering. But that starts with having the confidence of saying "no grandma, I do not wish my periods discussed, thank you very much".

It is not about whether people around us should understand about periods in general, or understand why we might excuse ourselves from the cross-country run to celebrate auntie's birthday. A very general understanding of the human body would be enough to achieve either of those aims. Grandma could work out for herself that if her pre-teen granddaughter suddenly looks pale and listless and opts out of activities, there might be a reason for it that she doesn't need to discuss in further detail.

Either our bodies are public property or they are not.

And if naturalness and non-ashamedness of the body has to be a personal thing, why don't we enliven the family function by eager discussion of young brother's nocturnal emissions? Why is it only women who have to act as some kind of teaching device?

great post above, cory