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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law & granddaughter's periods

201 replies

clare21 · 09/05/2016 18:56

My mother in law has asked twice if our 12 year old daughter's periods have started. Both times on the phone, both time I have dodged it. Last night I said DD would be mortified if she thought we were talking about her and suggested we left it. I don't really think it's any of her business. I am probably being over sensitive but why should I share puberty intricacies....

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/05/2016 20:48

What's with the vagina ageism ! Yuk

FutureGadgetsLab · 09/05/2016 20:51

Gwen But periods are still a bodily function. Okay, take colostomy bag out of it, I wouldn't ask my grandmother about pooing/pissing/sweating/farting any other natural bodily function that is none of my business.

If someone wants to talk about periods, I don't think there should be a taboo, but people shouldnt be forced to talk about them either.

gunting · 09/05/2016 20:53

Not asking about periods doesn't not normalise them though. If anything badgering on about them when she hasn't actually started them might even make the DD feel weird like she should have.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 20:54

That's very unusual. If you or your children have a cold you refuse to tell anyone? why would I need to tell anyone? If the cold is noteworthy it would be flaming obvious if it's not why would I even mention it to anybody who didn't have a real need to know?

I know that in theory we have confidentiality, but I don't know if it works in practice. I know that a colleague of mind had to show her hospital appointment letter at work
If she's obliged to show it at work her employer will owe her personal information a duty of care but again that would be a needed disclousure.

We also don't usually have confidentiality at the chemist. Dd will have buy san pro at some point and then other people in the shop will know - shock, horror

But of a strange extrapolation there, what in earth would make you think any someone who does not wish to have personal conversations with family members about what their body would also have a problem taking care of a personal purchase in a chemist or supermarket, it would be quite usual to just pick them up and buy them without feeling the need to have a full and open conversation abut it to the staff in the shop.

Fwiw I'm perfectly happy purchasing pads and tampons and reusable items (I do tend to prefer reusable) and I'm perfectly happy to be as open as I choose to be about my own periods and I have no issue on that front. What I'm not happy to do is make that choice for someone else because it is not my choice.

Originalfoogirl · 09/05/2016 20:55

I can't see why it is anyone else's business. I don't understand why everyone is so keen for everyone else to be so open and honest about something which is a very personal issue. If you want to share your bodily functions with the whole world, then go for it, but why does that mean it is something every other woman should want to do too, let alone every other young girl. Keeping something private doesn't automatically make it taboo. I don't go in to work and announce when I've got constipation, why should I do it when I have my period. Our daughter had a disability and some people are curious about it. Even at 7 years old, I let her decide how much she tells people about it.

Young girls who are going through puberty have a lot to deal with, if my daughter wants to discuss it with anyone else but me, that will be her choice and if my MIL, or anyone else were to ask, that's what I'll tell them.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 20:56

But she's not badgering the DD. She has asked her DIL a couple of times.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 20:56

Normalising periods for the DD doesn't = making it everybody else's right to know just because they want to know/talk about her periods

BonitaFangita · 09/05/2016 20:57

God I'm dreading becoming a MIL it's a real minefield! Do you show an interest in your adult children's and grandchildren's lives or do you shuffle off to the scrapheap only showing your face to babysit or petsit (but obviously still not getting involved)
Get over yourselves it's a period! I suffered terrible periods as a young girl and was very close to my nan, I really appreciated the support, advice and onderstanding she offered when I was particularly suffering

EponasWildDaughter · 09/05/2016 20:59

''Would anyone phone up and ask if their grandson had had his first wet dream?''

this. Really.

Why doesn't the MIL ask her grand daughter herself? Because she knows it's too personal i expect. There comes an age when your children's personal info becomes their own to keep.

I'll tell whoever wants to know about my own body and it's workings. My daughter's personal information at 12 and up is a different matter.

gunting · 09/05/2016 20:59

Surely her asking the mum rather than the DD shows that she feels like it's something private. If she was so keen to normalise it why not ask the DD?

What next a text message every time she ovulates?!

gleam · 09/05/2016 21:01

YANBU. I would think that mil was just being nosey if she asked that.

It's not a question of squeamishness. It's just very personal information.

Also thought the ancient fanny retort was funny.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 21:02

Periods affect half the population for around half their life. It's an absolutely normal thing that can affect women in a variety of ways, yet in 2016 it's still spoken about in a very hush-hush way, and I think that young girls are made to feel ashamed or embarrassed about this perfectly normal natural thing.

I think it was Gloria Steinham who said that if men had periods it would all be out in the open and men bragging about it, how many days it lasted, how heavy the flow blah blah.

Here's the cover of this week's Newsweek. Do people think this is inappropriate?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 21:03

Do you show an interest in your adult children's and grandchildren's lives or do you shuffle off to the scrapheap only showing your face to babysit or petsit
bit dramatic Grin
what's wrong with "how's dgd? how did her x/y/z (thing that she mentioned to you) go?"

Buggers · 09/05/2016 21:03

I find it such an odd thing to ask. If you had a 12yr ds I'm sure she wouldn't be asking any personal questions like that!

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 21:05

You don't think she might ask if his voice has broken? Why not? It happens to all boys, it happened to her son.

TattyDevine · 09/05/2016 21:07

This actually rings a bell with me, because this is just the sort of thing my mother thought was "news" to people and just the kind of thing she might ask about my daughter when the time comes.

Nothing weird or sinister behind it, and yes, it is a natural thing, not something to get all bothered about, but the teen in question (or preteen) may well have their own personal feelings about it and may wish to guard their privacy, which I would respect.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 09/05/2016 21:08

Despite it being a normal part of life etc, if you think your DD would be embarrassed by anyone knowing about it, then respect that. I can't imagine my DM or MIL asking about my DD in a few years, and I wouldn't tell them if they did ask, it's not my place to discuss it.

ScarletOHaHa · 09/05/2016 21:10

OP don't dodge, just be clear and say it's personal and you don't want to talk about it. I think it's an intrusive question to ask.

I was really upset when my DM told people. I still remember that it was very upsetting to have something so private discussed and it felt like a betrayal.

NerrSnerr · 09/05/2016 21:10

No one is saying that periods are shameful or taboo but they are personal. I will tell anyone who is interested about my periods (not that anyone is interested as they are unremarkable) but when my daughter becomes a teen I will not talk to anyone about her periods unless she wants me to. I will of course be open with her but I will take her lead.

As I said unthread I was very shy about periods as a teen, I wasn't ashamed but it took a few years to feel comfortable about talking about them.

I am also interested to know whether anyone would share information about their son's pubic hair or wet dreams?

BonitaFangita · 09/05/2016 21:15

Great artice River It reminds me of when I used to work in an all female office based in health care profession. Nothing was taboo, and I helps to know that periods are a perfectly normal part of life

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 21:17

I'm having lunch tomorrow with a mother and daughter.

Am I ok to go ahead and have a chat about the daughters current lack of periods because hey we should all be upfront about periods.

If not why not?

MatthewWrightIsThick · 09/05/2016 21:19

I think it's no ones business apart from the DDs and the OPs. It's hot nothing to do with being precious about periods it's about respecting the DDs privacy. However cool you are about chit chatting about periods it doesn't mean that everyone feels the same.

Would all the posters who think it's ok to talk about the DDs periods be ok with it being discussed by the father in law too?

Would it be ok if the DD asked her granny about her menopause?

I'm with the OP on this one. It's no ones business but the DDs and if I was the OP I would simply say that I couldn't tell her as I would suspect that the DD wouldn't want me to.

NoMudNoLotus · 09/05/2016 21:19

Some of these posts are awful.

No one is perfect - whether she is right or whether she is wrong it doesn't matter.

What DOESmatter is whether she is trying to do her best at being dgm . I'm sure she didn't set out with the intention of causing upset with her questions and probably has her own reasons - try putting yourself in her shoes OP.

Until you've had a pre teen DGD of your own try to reserve judgment and focus more on what her strengths in grand parenting are.

Vardyparty · 09/05/2016 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghostyslovesheep · 09/05/2016 21:21

Jesus H Christ on a bike it's like people go out of their way to find things their MIL's do offensive

she asked a question, in passing - a simple harmless question - the same one my mum might ask me (especially if discussing the kids mood swings) - what a silly over reaction

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