Page 4 | Mother in law & granddaughter's periods

clare21 · 2016-05-09T17:56:21+00:00

My mother in law has asked twice if our 12 year old daughter's periods have started. Both times on the phone, both time I have dodged it. Last night I said DD would be mortified if she thought we were talking about her and suggested we left it. I don't really think it's any of her business. I am probably being over sensitive but why should I share puberty intricacies....

Vardyparty · 09/05/2016 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazelangell · 09/05/2016 20:27

I don't think it's that odd that's she asking, but I don't think you're wrong for not wanting to discuss it with her as it's your daughters business.
As for PP who mentioned getting flowers... well my son should be lucky he's not a girl because if I had a daughter I'd be throwing a period party like this amazing woman, as women we shouldn't be ashamed (or made to feel ashamed) about our periods

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 20:28

"And personal information is just that personal, it's seriously rude to ask

That is what I said

I really don't think it's healthy to pass on the message that talking about periods is rude

That is not what I said.

Regardless of you liking it or not anything to do with a persons own body is private and personal to them, this does not change because someone else feels the need to want to reduce menstruatal taboo.

Pushing anyone for personal information they may not wish to disclose is rude pushing someone for personal information about someone else is even ruder regardless of the subject matter.

waterrat · 09/05/2016 20:31

Gunting....'its nothing to do with her ' - eh? is it 'anything to do with you' when your daughter starts periods? why shouldnt a grand mother be just as interested as a mother?

UterusUterusGhali · 09/05/2016 20:31

My dd wanted her gps to know so they could cut her some slack when she lost her appetite and was being generally meh.
I remember dd asking me to gently ask my mum to line her bathroom bin.

I don't think it's weird to ask tbh. Unless you suspect the witchcraft thing.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 20:31

To the people who are saying "well maybe she's just not weird about periods" because they're so normal… then why make a point of asking? if she's so cool and blaze about them?

It's intrusive. And don't tell me I'm being funny about periods. I'm not funny about periods. I can talk about them just fine when there's a context to do so - the MIL is nosy/odd/intrusive to ask, she has no reason to know. If the DGD was about to go visit and might need san pro etc then fine.. but there's no context, she just wants to know for the sake of it!

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 20:32

"anything to do with a persons own body is private and personal to them"

Yet, in families people talk about changes to bodies all the time, it's only certain things that are considered too private to talk about. You wouldn't have a problem if the mil was asking about her granddaughter's eyesight (I'm sure now you will claim that you would), but you do have a problem talking about periods.

MissPronounced · 09/05/2016 20:32

It might well be totally natural for MIL to want to know whether her granddaughter's started her periods, but that doesn't mean she necessarily has a right to the info, does it?

Allowing her daughter some privacy doesn't mean that anybody's perpetuating any taboo. Puberty is a sensitive time when privacy becomes very important to many/most children, and is the perfect time to recognise that a child's body is their own and nobody has a particular right to info about it or even to pass much in the way of comment on it (IMO, of course)

Genuine question (as I'm neither parent nor male), but are parents of teenage boys generally get asked if their sons have developed pubic hair yet? If their testicles have descended?

Again, I'm sure MIL has perfectly good grandmotherly intentions. I just think it's an interesting question regarding what information about your children is OK to share, and what's best to leave it to them to do so if and when they want to.

BipBippadotta · 09/05/2016 20:34

Ugh. Like it's not awful enough being 12 without having your whole extended family on the blower wanting to know what's coming out of your vagina. I'd find it massively intrusive.

paxillin · 09/05/2016 20:34

Well, no it's nothing to do with her. It's private. Just like learning to walk was, potty training was... it's a developmental step. It's not a big or dirty secret. I know who's been through menopause and who has started her periods in my family. No need to be so angry with her, she's grandma as well as MIL.

You can of course say "I don't talk about periods and don't want dd to do so either", otherwise she might ask your dd.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 20:35

"It might well be totally natural for MIL to want to know whether her granddaughter's started her periods, but that doesn't mean she necessarily has a right to the info, does it? "

No, of course not, but if people know many things can be made easier like not having to explain why all of a sudden you have terrible back pain. The point is you can decline to answer the question without being rude to the mil or claiming that mil is being rude.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 20:37

You can of course say "I don't talk about periods and don't want dd to do so either", otherwise she might ask your dd.

Well that was bitchy!
There's nothing in the OP to suggest that the OP doesn't talk about periods or doesn't want her daughter to. The OP may be very open with her DD about periods and her DD may be free to tell who she wants!
The last part of the sentance is the key! it's up to the DD to tell who she wants when she wants and if she wants. It's intrusive for the MIL to be asking her mum like this

FutureGadgetsLab · 09/05/2016 20:37

Yet, in families people talk about changes to bodies all the time, it's only certain things that are considered too private to talk about. You wouldn't have a problem if the mil was asking about her granddaughter's eyesight (I'm sure now you will claim that you would), but you do have a problem talking about periods.

The point is whatever is normal in families, it's for the individuals to decide whether to share information. Particularly about heLth.

It is not just periods. I wouldn't ask my grandmother about her colostomy bag, for example.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/05/2016 20:37

gwen

I wouldn't ever answer any questions at all of a health related nature regardless of what they were, (I'm pretty sure if you advance serch and go back years you may even see a fair few posts ive made when I haven't answered questions like baby's weight).

I take my children's health related confidentiality and body autonomy very seriously and wouldn't talk about it unless I knew they were happy for me to do so or I had a practical needed reason for doing it.

And I make certain that my children don't even need to let me know things like that if they don't want to

Writerwannabe83 · 09/05/2016 20:38

I also don't particularly think there's anything wrong with grandma asking about it.

And as another poster said, I wonder if OP would be quite so uncomfortable by it all if it had been her own mother asking instead of the MIL.....

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 09/05/2016 20:38

YANBU. I don't see that a girl starting her periods have anything to do with a GP. If MIL asks me when DD is older, I won't discuss it with her. I wouldn't feel the need to tell my family either although they wouldn't even ask. I too was mortified at people knowing when I was that age. It's personal to the OPs DD, not to be shared around the family because nosy relatives are asking.

People are taking the ancient fanny comment way too seriously. I thought it was funny. Admittedly I have a weird sense of humour as well.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 09/05/2016 20:39

re eyesight.. again it's about context. If a MIL was ringing up asking "when are you getting DDs eye's checked and I want to know the result" you'ld be
If the child needed glasses then there's a context to it

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 20:41

"I wouldn't ever answer any questions at all of a health related nature regardless of what they were"

That's very unusual. If you or your children have a cold you refuse to tell anyone? I know that in theory we have confidentiality, but I don't know if it works in practice. I know that a colleague of mind had to show her hospital appointment letter at work. It contained the information on what was wrong with her, so no confidentiality there. We also don't usually have confidentiality at the chemist. Dd will have buy san pro at some point and then other people in the shop will know - shock, horror!

liquidrevolution · 09/05/2016 20:42

I thought the ancient fanny remark was funny, some people have taken it very personally hmm

This.

and back to the OP, it sounds like the type of thing my MIL would say. All she would ask after DD was born was whether or not she was latching on. She asked my DM Dsis etc. Weird. Especially as I FF from birth.

stores ancient foof remark for 10 years time

scarednoob · 09/05/2016 20:43

Sympathy. My grandFATHER asked me when I was about 12!!! He said, "and have you started being able to have babies yet?" I hadn't but I was mortified and said yes by mistake as he said, "and has mummy shown you where to put all the things," at which point I fled.

I adored him until then; felt v weird about him after that. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few years later; not sure if that had been making him act a bit weirdly (there were lots of other things).

Anyway, point is, at that age I felt v strongly that it was private and was mortified when even DM asked me stuff. It's up to your dd whether she wants to share or not IMHO.

BonerSibary · 09/05/2016 20:45

If there's a reason she wants to know (bad periods in the family) she can just tell the OP for information.

Perhaps nerrsnerr. Perhaps not. People have very different attitudes to discussion of menstruation, and she may not feel comfortable coming out and saying it. Maybe she'd prefer to go straight to her granddaughter herself rather than discussing it with OP at all, and is embarrassed at the prospect but knows it'll need mentioning as soon as DD starts having periods. As I said upthread, I'd rather as a parent be told, but if one respects the right of a teenage girl to choose who knows about her periods one must extend the same courtesy to an older woman.

And regardless of whether one thinks the MIL broaching the issue is appropriate, if she persists in doing so it's still worth investigating whether she has a reason. I would say a third time counts as persisting.

Toffeewhirl · 09/05/2016 20:46

It is absolutely none of her business and I think it's weird of her to ask. I still remember being mortified when one of my grandmother's asked me if I'd started. I felt it was deeply personal and I was embarrassed that I hadn't started yet; I felt as if I'd failed somehow.

hazel - I love that period poem.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/05/2016 20:46

"It is not just periods. I wouldn't ask my grandmother about her colostomy bag, for example."

I don't think they're comparable. Having a colostomy bag is in itself a health problem, while having periods is healthy, even though periods can sometimes be painful.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 20:46

Actually, I think anything that normalises periods is a very good thing. She knows that it'll be coming up and is asking after her granddaughter. Given that my mother told me nothing about periods so that when I started I thought I was bleeding to death, any sort of normal, kind interaction on the subject is a good thing. Maybe your MIL is just very open about normal, natural bodily functions. Good for her. Better than being uptight and treating it like something shameful never to be discussed.

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 20:47

Oops, overuse of normal there, sorry!