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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"wouldn't you be embarrassed to PAY someone else clean up after you?"

190 replies

schrodcat · 08/05/2016 20:42

Seething. SEETHING. I proposed getting a cleaner because I honestly think we're going to end up divorced if he doesn't start pulling his weight. He objected in the strongest possible terms and said "wouldn't you be embarrassed to pay someone else to clean up after you?".

But he is not embarrassed for me to do it, even when I got a weird dermatitis condition on my hand from the rubber gloves and my fingers kept bleeding. I am not kidding. I know that sounds Dickensian.

FFS.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 09/05/2016 18:03

What Winterbiscuit said. Would he get embarrassed about paying someone to wallpaper the house, repair his car, fix a plumbing problem, do the garden? Does he ever go to restaurants or get a takeaway - why isn't he embarrassed about that when he could make his own food?

PacificDogwod · 09/05/2016 19:02

Oh, what fun I missed on here today Hmm

I take your point BipBippa, but I think the OP has every right to want to be comfortable in her own house and clearly she isn't - because of the mess or because of how her OH makes her feel, I don't know of course.

I stand by what I said upthread - get a cleaner to give your the headspace to figure out what your next move should be.

Angrybird234 · 09/05/2016 19:15

I got a secret cleaner OP as I work away a lot but as I'm field based DH thought I could just stay at home and clean up all his shit rather than actually do my job! I got busted after a few weeks but when DH realised that he wouldn't have to scrub the bathroom every few days he soon came round to the idea, especially as I pay for it.

Go for it!

VestalVirgin · 09/05/2016 19:23

Seething. SEETHING. I proposed getting a cleaner because I honestly think we're going to end up divorced if he doesn't start pulling his weight. He objected in the strongest possible terms and said "wouldn't you be embarrassed to pay someone else to clean up after you?".

Obviously, he prefers the divorce. Perhaps you should get the work for that done - seems he is to lazy to get divorced, too.

VestalVirgin · 09/05/2016 19:25

@Angrybird: Why do YOU pay for it all by yourself? Surely he dirties the house, too?

expatinscotland · 09/05/2016 19:29

'I got a secret cleaner OP as I work away a lot but as I'm field based DH thought I could just stay at home and clean up all his shit rather than actually do my job! I got busted after a few weeks but when DH realised that he wouldn't have to scrub the bathroom every few days he soon came round to the idea, especially as I pay for it.'

So you pay for someone else to do his work? Yeah, I'll be he soon came round to it.

justmyview · 09/05/2016 19:39

Why would someone hire a cleaner in secret and pay for it themselves? I find that really sad. It's not dealing with the misogyny of a DH who assumes that his DW will tidy up after him

BipBippadotta · 09/05/2016 21:09

Agree with you Pacific that she has every right to want to feel comfortable in her home. And get a cleaner to take the pressure off. My comment was more a response to earlier posts where slovenly men were depicted as all having a sinister anti-woman agenda. I believe people should be assumed crap until proven evil beyond a reasonable doubt.

Baconyum · 09/05/2016 22:49

Angrybird aye I'll bet he loves you paying for the cleaner!

SolidGoldBrass · 10/05/2016 13:50

Bipbippa - it's not the slovenliness, it's the insistence that the woman in the house does the shitwork, rather than paying for it to be done. That is misogyny.

BipBippadotta · 10/05/2016 14:56

Is he insisting that she do it all herself with no help from him? Or is he resisting getting a cleaner because it feels a bit shameful for him (i.e. 'it's OK if my family knows what a slob I am, but I don't want strangers to see' - which is something I felt quite strongly at first)?

It seems he doesn't realise quite how little he's doing compared with OP, and is blind to his own mess. He also doesn't see how upset this makes her, as mess doesn't bother him. These things are a huge problem - but can be sorted out through discussion in a way that a habitual contempt for women generally can't.

If the OP doesn't want to LTB it's worth starting with the premise that he's a decent human being and working from there. If he believes its his God-given right to have a wife who does all the shitwork, this will come out fairly quickly in a frank conversation, and she can revise her opinion of him accordingly. But that conversation has to be had before we can know what he actually thinks.

Having to get a secret cleaner & pay for it yourself, however, is absolutely awful! THAT husband is a proper dick.

Original poster
schrodcat · 10/05/2016 21:08

Wow! So that is what happens when you go away for 48 hours after posting on AIBU. So where am I... I have figured out that LTB = leave the bastard. I have also realised that I am a little more free and easy with my hate speech than most. I have probably felt I hate DH where others might confess to irritation/extreme irritation. He is an absolute knobber in some respects, and his inability/refusal to see what is involved in running a house does drive me mental, but he is fundamentally a good guy. I think a lot of it does depend on how you were brought up - if your mother waited on you hand, foot and finger, you'll expect the same from your little woman - which is precisely why, for the sake of DS, I will be attempting to re-train DH into better habits. I think it can be done. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 10/05/2016 21:26

Good luck.

I am not sure why one adult should have to retrain another adult, but do think it can be done if you are up for it and IF he is prepared to change.
If not, you are going to spend a lot of time and energy banging your head against the wall for little result.

But, seriously, v best of luck Thanks

BoatyMcBoat · 10/05/2016 21:31

Quite agree PacificDogwood. Why should anyone have to do that? My mum once said I handled dh wrong (he's the most uncooperative person I've ever met) and the poor woman was subjected to a tirade about not having to handle him at all because he was an adult not a bloody toddler!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2016 21:45

Having RTFT but I'm with you OP.

I have got a Cleaner coming round on Thursday to have a look around, discuss my requirements etc but my DH is unaware of this yet.

He's another one who does very little himself but is generally aghast at the idea of paying someone else to do it.

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