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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"wouldn't you be embarrassed to PAY someone else clean up after you?"

190 replies

schrodcat · 08/05/2016 20:42

Seething. SEETHING. I proposed getting a cleaner because I honestly think we're going to end up divorced if he doesn't start pulling his weight. He objected in the strongest possible terms and said "wouldn't you be embarrassed to pay someone else to clean up after you?".

But he is not embarrassed for me to do it, even when I got a weird dermatitis condition on my hand from the rubber gloves and my fingers kept bleeding. I am not kidding. I know that sounds Dickensian.

FFS.

OP posts:
Didactylos · 08/05/2016 21:13

only answer to that is 'Nope, Im more embarrassed that I live with a dirty troglodyte who doesn't pull his weight'

Bogeyface · 08/05/2016 21:13

"You are right. I would be embarrassed about having someone clean up after me, but as I clean up after myself that isnt an issue. However, YOU are clearly embarrassed about someone cleaning up after you which is why I have decided to save you the embarrassment and stop doing it."

But unless you are joking when you say you hate him (I would hate him too), then why are having this discussion? Tell him to take his filth and live somewhere else.

Paddletonio · 08/05/2016 21:13

Get a cleaner and it should be paid out of joint money. What a twat.

pinkyredrose · 08/05/2016 21:14

Does he at least clean his own shit off the loo? I mean he should be embarrassed to leave it there shouldn't he!

HermioneWeasley · 08/05/2016 21:21

And you're with him because?.....

Original poster
schrodcat · 08/05/2016 21:25

Re: the hate issue - I thought that was kind of what these pages are for? to get stuff off your chest that you don't necessarily want to vocalise in the middle of your own life because it has consequences you aren't necessarily ready for? I suppose I was aiming for a jokey hate, if you can have such a thing... One of things I find about the "richness" of life is that you can have so many and varied feelings for a person and that the tails-side of your love coin can often be hate... "The more you ruv someone the more you hate them", as the Avenue Q song goes. Divorce is definitely an option for the future as far as I am concerned, but I just feel it is ridiculous to let a domestic issue spiral into this for the want of a cleaner! Hence my proposing it. I suppose I also hope, and hope and hope, that people can change...

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 08/05/2016 21:26

The correct response is, would you be embarrassed if everyone thought you were a selfish sexist arse

RedToothBrush · 08/05/2016 21:29

Op save yourself the cost of the cleaner and just divorce him.

Original poster
schrodcat · 08/05/2016 21:29

Oh yes, and I am utterly mortified that (a) my DH is such a freeloading filthbag, and (b) I can seemingly do nothing about it. I make light of it in real life. Interested in the reaction to my saying I hate him. Does no-one else hate their husband sometimes? Is that genuinely not normal? He absolutely drives me up the wall sometimes and I have to go for very long walks or sit in the car or whatever.

OP posts:
Trills · 08/05/2016 21:31

I don't think him not pulling his weight would be solved by getting a cleaner.

There will be less weight to pull, but you'll still have to pull all that there is.

madmomma · 08/05/2016 21:34

slimcheesy I'm at that place now with DH

EllaHen · 08/05/2016 21:40

You wouldn't be paying a cleaner to clean up after you though, would you? Just him.

Takes a special kind of arrogance to convince someone that they would be embarrassed to have someone clean up after their master's shit.

And no, I don't hate my husband. I'd hate yours though.

ConfuciousSayWhat · 08/05/2016 21:42

My husbands excuse is "we need to get the house clean enough for a cleaner first" Hmm some men seem to be total dicks about housework being done by anyone but their wives

BeauGlacons · 08/05/2016 21:43

One thing I'm grateful for is that my mother didn't bring me up to clean. I bought a flat and hired a cleaner. In fact even when I shared a flat I persuaded the others we needed a cleaner to avoid arguments.

When I met DH I therefore already had a cleaner. My DH doesn't clean, his mother didn't bring him up to clean either. She did however think his wife would clean and has never quite got her head around that one.

DH wasn't going to clean, I wasn't going to clean. We have always had a cleaner. DH didn't even question it when I was a SAHM for 8 years.

Occasionally another mother has said "what will your children do when they leave home if they have never been expected to help with cleaning" and my response has always been "they'll hire someone else to do it".

I never cleaned when I lived at home. I always lived in an immaculate home and therefore my home has always been immaculate because I don't expect anything less.

Having said all that, I spend at least an hour a day tidying, putting away, wiping smears off mirrors, etc., so I don't do nothing at all; I just don't do a big weekly clean or any ironing

DinosaursRoar · 08/05/2016 21:45

did none of you live with your DH's before marriage and DCs? Did they used to be able to clean up and then stopped or have they always been like this?

LadyReuleaux · 08/05/2016 21:49

OMG OP I 'm fuming for you! WHAT A TWAT.

You should get a cleaner and it should be entirely from his own personal spending money, as the cleaner won't do everything - you'll still have to put washing on, etc. So it represents work he's not doing.

Re the hate, yes I have really hated my now STBX, for similar reasons (as well as some other reasons). I told myself it was normal in a relationship, but actually I'm not sure now I have faced up to the fact that I really don't want to be with him.

I think there can be such a thing as jokey "hate" but I don't think this is it. Shirking on housework is actually a major issue and a valid reason to end a relationship. because what they are actually saying is:

  • I don't value you or care if you have to do more work
  • I don't value your time or feel bad about effectively stealing your spare time
  • I don't give a shit that you'd like your home to be nice, what I want comes first.

That's not good.

One of the main emotions I've had about this issue is that I would be SO embarrassed to live in a home where I slacked off and just let someone else do more than their fair share. I couldn't bear that. So why can he? It's bloody insulting.

ConfuciousSayWhat · 08/05/2016 21:50

Tbh my dh has to do the lions share of our housework but he does like to whinge and moan about it. My argument is I get PIP and the point of it is to pay for a cleaner/gardener because they're jobs I can't do if I want to keep working. He agrees but yet we still have no cleaner and still he moans I don't pull my weight

Men are weird.

StillYummy · 08/05/2016 21:53

I haven't had a cleaner, because my houses isn't tidy enough for them to clean. So if he meant wouldn't you be embarrassed that someone had to move everything and then clean I kinda get his point. BUT if that is the case then he needs to help to get the house to the stage when a cleaner can clean it or help you clean it regularly.

It should not just be your job.

LadyReuleaux · 08/05/2016 21:57

I lived with mine pre-kids but it wasn't as bad then because there was just so much less to do and so much more time. It annoyed me and we'd argue about it, but I was in lurve and ultimately I let it go. It's when you have kids that you realise that if they WON'T do it you really have a problem IMO. You live and learn and I know I would have no truck with it now. (I never want to live with a man again anyway, DS as an adult excepted.)

bibbitybobbityyhat · 08/05/2016 21:58

Having a clear space for you to make a sandwich on is not a once a week fix.

He sounds very unappealing.

Presumably he would notice at some point if he ran out of clean socks and scants?

frieda909 · 08/05/2016 21:59

My ex was exactly like this. Total slob who never cleaned up after himself (and on the very rare occasion he did he'd act like he was doing me a favour and expect a pat on the head and my eternal gratitude). It really really wore away at me over the years and I felt like a cleaner would have really helped to resolve some of those problems. But whenever I suggested it he'd be absolutely 100% against the idea. He'd say 'I just think having someone clean up after you is disgusting, I don't believe in that' and 'We're grown adults and we should be able to look after ourselves'. Well, quite!

MadamDeathstare · 08/05/2016 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curren · 08/05/2016 22:11

Ask him if he is embarrassed that you clean up after him.

My dh irritates me on occasion. I can't say I have ever hated him. Even for a moment

PacificDogwod · 08/05/2016 22:15

I am utterly mortified that (a) my DH is such a freeloading filthbag, and (b) I can seemingly do nothing about it.

Why would you think it your place to feel mortified for his short fallings?
Of course you cannot do anything about it - he could, if he wanted to, change his behaviour; clearly that is not high on his agenda.
All you can do (and the ball is very much in your side of the court) is change your response to his behaviour: hire a cleaner, clean yourself, kick his sorry arse out….

Of course we all love and hate various aspects of our spouses, but to me your OP screams "entitled arse" rather than 'cleaning problem'.

Do not accept that it is you and YOU alone who has to solve this. It is not your job to fix his problems - he may wish to to improve or save his relationship with you, but that is up to him.

Get a cleaner until you have got your head around what other options you have Thanks

Listerscat · 08/05/2016 22:17

My dh has the same attitude. When I was working full time (more hours than him), I suggested a cleaner. DH asked, "Well then what's the point of me having a wife?" Same thing with the suggestion of nursery or a childminder, "What's the point of me having a wife?" If he even cooks a meal he demands to know what the point of me is. I went away for 3 days, he claims that he didn't eat for those 3 days.

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