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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"wouldn't you be embarrassed to PAY someone else clean up after you?"

190 replies

schrodcat · 08/05/2016 20:42

Seething. SEETHING. I proposed getting a cleaner because I honestly think we're going to end up divorced if he doesn't start pulling his weight. He objected in the strongest possible terms and said "wouldn't you be embarrassed to pay someone else to clean up after you?".

But he is not embarrassed for me to do it, even when I got a weird dermatitis condition on my hand from the rubber gloves and my fingers kept bleeding. I am not kidding. I know that sounds Dickensian.

FFS.

OP posts:
Thatrabbittrickedme · 08/05/2016 22:27

I don't hate my DH, I definitely don't think it's normal to hate your DH. Honestly your dislike of him is palpable - if you imagine kicking him out, how does it feel?

Does he contribute anything positive that you haven't mentioned (eg he's a great and helpful partner with your DC, bring happiness to your house etc?)

BeckyMcDonald · 08/05/2016 22:28

He sounds like a real piece of work OP.

For reference, I also get contact dermatitis from rubber gloves. Sainsbury's do latex free ones which are absolutely brilliant and I can totally recommend them. They're the only ones that I've ever found that don't cause a flare-up. Although I do hope you won't have much use for rubber gloves in the future Flowers

JapanNextYear · 08/05/2016 22:32

Really? My DH is far more domestically able than I am. We have a cleaned do I can legitimately say that's my share done, any extra he wants to do he can. I wouldn't be with someone who doesn't pull their weight in some way.

shamelessmailhack · 08/05/2016 22:33

"Oh you are quite right dear. I don't think we should hire a cleaner after all. Here, I've written up a rota of all the jobs that need to be done. As you can see, you're only doing 50%"

Queenie73 · 08/05/2016 22:38

But if HE pays for the cleaner, then you won't be paying someone else to clean up after you, HE will. Problem solved and since he's clearly shameless it shouldn't be a problem for him.

Job done.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2016 22:41

I've never hated my DH. I can get a bit pissed off with him from time to time. I might hate him if he behaved like yours though. What a twat.

SolidGoldBrass · 08/05/2016 22:44

I'm not surprised you hate him. Hating him is perfectly valid. He considers you his inferior, his servant - domestic shitwork is what you are for.
A man who dislikes domestic work isn't always a woman-hating arsehole: domestic work is horrible, boring and best avoided unless you're getting paid. Hiring people to do it is the best option: you are providing someone else with a wage and cleaning for money is somehow a lot less tiresome and depressing that doing it for no money.

But a man who does no domestic work and objects to employing someone to do it is a woman-hating shitbag. He believes, at a fundamental level, that women exist to serve men. Nothing poisons a relationship more profoundly than misogyny.

PacificDogwod · 08/05/2016 22:54

Brava, SGB, brava!!
Well said.

HormonalHeap · 08/05/2016 22:58

Very, very strange attitude. I don't work and we have a cleaner 3 times a week. If it was so embarrassing there wouldn't be any cleaning agencies!

BeauGlacons · 08/05/2016 23:12

Dh is asleep and I am gently resting a hand on him and thinking what a nice man he is Blush

DanglyEarOrnaments · 08/05/2016 23:21

"No but I am embarassed to pay for someone to clean up after YOU" would be my answer.

We are a cleaning business and we are bombed with work, we have about 85 clients now and add about 3 or more per week. We stop taking work whenever we fill up a member of staff's schedule. We very often cannot meet demand as we can't get staff trained quickly enough but we do our best.

My point is the cleaning industry is BOOMING because ... people need help and are not at all embarrassed to pay for it, it's a business transaction plain and simple, they want a job doing, we want to do the job.

He is adding a 'stigma' to it because he sees it as 'your work' to do! Hmm Angry

Bogeyface · 09/05/2016 00:22

My dh has the same attitude. When I was working full time (more hours than him), I suggested a cleaner. DH asked, "Well then what's the point of me having a wife?" Same thing with the suggestion of nursery or a childminder, "What's the point of me having a wife?" If he even cooks a meal he demands to know what the point of me is. I went away for 3 days, he claims that he didn't eat for those 3 days.

I cant help wondering why he has a wife.

Why are you still with him Listerscat?

Bogeyface · 09/05/2016 00:23

Or rather how come he still has a wife, sorry.

paxillin · 09/05/2016 00:27

Just print a list of daily, weekly and monthly tasks. Equal- ish, 10 min each. Tell him to pick one, you pick the next, he the next... this way, you end up with 50% each. Then pay a cleaner for your tasks. Watch him do his share.

Iflyaway · 09/05/2016 00:33

He wouldn't notice if I stopped the laundry spinning.

So start to walk your talk!

We women are our own worst enemies....! No joke, no excuse.

You only get 1 life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/05/2016 01:02

"Well then what's the point of me having a wife?"

The only answer to that is, "you no longer do".

Unfortunately women have been socialised to not only clean, but think it is their job and they should like it and feel guilty if it's not done. Bugger that for a game of soldiers.

BeaArthursUnderpants · 09/05/2016 03:22

OP I totally get it. And there's nothing wrong with venting. Can I also say I think you are funny and insightful? And I love avenue Q! (Is that weird? I just like your writing and your attitude. It's the middle of the night so forgive me if this came out odd.)

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 09/05/2016 03:39

i'd have ditched him long ago.

StrangeLookingParasite · 09/05/2016 08:15

Does no-one else hate their husband sometimes? Is that genuinely not normal? He absolutely drives me up the wall sometimes and I have to go for very long walks or sit in the car or whatever.

No. I get irritated and have a bit of a mutter to myself from time to time, but not to that extent, no.

And Listerscat, wtf? He is, I don't even know where to begin....

EponasWildDaughter · 09/05/2016 08:24

I just want a clear line to the door in the morning ... for there to be a clear surface for me to make a sandwich on.

I know there's much more to this thread, sorry, but i will say that i don't think a cleaner is the answer here anyway.

IME a cleaner has to be able to SEE the surfaces they are to clean when they arrive. I don't think they'll want to tidy up after your husband before they can start scrubbing any more than you do.

puddlejumpingqueen · 09/05/2016 09:13

Beau - I find your attitude disgusting. The I'm too good to clean so just pay some other person to do it. For what it's worth, I have nothing against hiring a cleaner. It's your entitled too good for cleaning attitude that I find disgusting and now raising your children to do the same. Domestic chores are a life skill for men and women. Heaven forbid if your children can't afford a cleaner, it is a luxury after all.

BuunyChops · 09/05/2016 09:40

Fuck him

And Fuck the idea of a secret cleaner.

Seriously if you can afford to have a cleaner why the hell wouldn't you?

The only reason we don't at the moment was ours retired; we then were having work done on the house and it seemed a bit silly while there was dust everywhere

I'm currently looking for quotes for a deep clean and then we'll be back to at least once a week.

Oh this is a 2 adult no kid house.

ListersCat What the fuck?????????????????????

Have you ever asked him what's the point in having a husband...............

Lweji · 09/05/2016 09:44

I'd be embarrassed not to pay someone who clears after me.

Tell him you're getting a cleaner or he does the work to the same standards.

One default and the cleaner is in.

LadyReuleaux · 09/05/2016 09:45

"Well then what's the point of me having a wife?" Shock bloody hell!

So the point of having a wife is to clean, cook and look after kids and THAT'S IT?

Not only is his attitude old-fashioned and misogynist, he also doesn't seem to think you might have a wife because you love her and want a partnership with someone?

Ooh Lister I know yours isn't the H the thread is about but LTB anyway!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/05/2016 09:52

"But s/he wouldn't be cleaning up after me. S/he would be cleaning up after YOU."
Listercat how on earth does he still have a wife?

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