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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit weird when men get over protective about their DDs having boyfriends?

331 replies

PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:11

BIL has a thing about his DD getting a boyfriend (she's only 5!) and keeps saying things like he'll wait at home with a baseball bat when she goes on her first date and tells her she can't have a boyfriend until she's 21. Apparently he "knows what lads that age are like and how they treat girls" Hmm He doesn't do it in a jokey way either has no sense of humour.

This isn't the first time I've encountered this over protective attitude, and it's often portrayed on TV/films too. AIBU to think it's ridiculous and unhealthy? My dad was always fine with me having BFs as a teen, as long as they were treating me right.i think it's rather unfair to assume all boys are shitheads to girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:09

Oh yay. Expectation again for women to do all the work for men.

As for this If someone responded to a thread where a woman was being abused with "Poor Womenz" there would be outrage. But if someone has a dick, they are fair game it seems.

The "menz" comments are in retaliation to people who come and tell them their problem as a woman and people turn it into "but what about men" - despite it being utterly irrelevant - see Asks analogy re cat/donkey sanctuary. It's frustrating when people try to make women's issues about men.

Very different from making fun of a person who who is talking about their abuse

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:12

Also I don't think anyone has suggested anyone else here is raising a future rapist. I do take exception though to people who take criticism of men in general personally because they have sons - that sets women back so far.

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AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:13

Oh FGS.

Men would protect themselves by dismantling the patriarchy.

The attitude that all teenage boys are potential rapists is a patriarchal attitude, borne out of the notion that males can't be responsible for their own sexual behaviour and therefore girls/ women need to be protected from them.

Do you agree that that attitude is harmful to boys?

So if that patriarchal attitude was ditched, that's in boys (and therefore men's) interests, right?

All the structural issues which men face, are caused by patriarchy, not women. It's pure misogyny to pretend that women are the cause of men's problems. Men built the patriarchy, they benefit from it, women have started to chip away at it (which benefits men) but in the end, if you don't hold the people who built the structure and continue to benefit from it, accountable for that structure and for dismantling the structure, then that structure is going to carry on standing.

And it will damage our girls and our boys. As you point out, we are all people, but refusing to examine the structures in which people are treated differently because they are girl people or boy people, doesn't benefit either girls or boys.

Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2016 21:14

I'm out. This is ridiculous.

SocialDisaster · 08/05/2016 21:17

ThAt type of comment would put me off having anything to do with the family.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:20

And also, what do you think feminism is trying to do if not dismantle the patriarchy?

Talking about poor menz trying to dismantle the patriarchy all by themselves without women's help, is bloody rich.

It's women who have made a start on dismantling it. Women who have applied themselves to chipping away at it. Women who have made inroads in getting people to even recognise it's there. Women who have been doing all this work.

We'd like a bit of help from the menz now please, seeing as how they have ultimately just as much to gain, as we do, from the overthrow of patriarchy.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 21:22

Given how many men do rapes, a good number of mothers of sons are going to.raise rapists.

Possibly rapists that never know that what they did was a rape, but rapists all the same.

If your worry is more about your son being on the receiving end of understandable suspicion than about him actually raping one or more women, I do have to wonder what kind of a man you are sending out into the world.

Rape is pretty much legal. Chances are your rapist sons will get away with it.

If you are just worried about them having nice lives, untroubled by the shit way they treat women, worry no more.

Treating women like shit is totally fine!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 21:25

On that note DoinIt, I am out too. I have nothing more to say to your sexist drivel.

Narp · 08/05/2016 21:27

Crikey

Narp · 08/05/2016 21:28

Doin

It sounds as if you are blaming mothers for raising rapists. Can that be right?

I am also out.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:31

LOL.
What bit of DoinitFine's "drivel" (sic) was sexist, please?

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:33

As blunt as Doins post is, I don't see how pointing out men rape and most get away with it is sexist? Or drivel. It's sadly true, and it seems people do get more offended at these facts than they do when they hear rape stats

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CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 21:34

Chances are your rapist sons will get away with it.

^^ HTH.

"Your rapist sons" Yuck.

shinynewusername · 08/05/2016 21:35

YANBU but I also feel sorry for dads as I think they are goaded into saying idiot things about DDs. I've lost count of the number of times I've been round visiting a new baby girl and some twat has asked the father, "Bet you're going to kill her first bf?" or similar. The father then has the choice between sounding like a naive sap who doesn't want to protect his DD or going along with the misogyny. And this is amongst naice wishy-washy liberals Hmm

It would sound unbelievably weird if a new mother said, "I'm never going to allow my DS to have a sexual relationship", yet it is expected of fathers and DDs.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:36

I also don't think Doin is blaming mothers for anything. Just pointing out that rapists have mothers.

Ironic that my venting of misogyny via over-protection of girls sex lives has turned into being defensive about the fact that some men are rapists

OP posts:
AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:36

"your rapist son" is offensive, but I'm not sure why it's sexist?

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:37

Still don't understand what is sexist about "rapist sons"?

I doubt Doin is targeting people's toddlers directly on this thread and is using "your" as a general term rather than to any one person?

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hidingwithwine · 08/05/2016 21:37

I think some people have had too much sunshine today what the hell am I reading here

My 17 yo DS is not sex mad, recognises that his mum and sisters are people, and knows about consent, cheers wtf

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:38

Also again, if you're not bringing up a rapist son, then it doesn't apply to you, does it?

I have a teenage son. I didn't take that comment as implying that he's a rapist.

Maybe I'm just thick skinned?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 21:39

Ok. Vile? I think that's a better word.

chilledwarmth · 08/05/2016 21:40

CantWait, anyone who really thinks of boys as being "potential future predators" are simply not worth the effort of trying to reason with, if they come out with such crap. While men do rape, it's pretty childish to go around specifically saying it because the implication is that you are on a crusade to brand people. If people repeatedly droned on about "women make false rape allegations" there would be outrage because it's wrong to go around branding people like that with such huge generalizations.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 21:40

I am definitely backing out now. :)

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:40

shiny my DH got the whole "no dating til she's 30 I bet" and he was quite Hmm and said "no that would be weird if she didn't". He would never be torn between being a sap or a mysoginist. I do agree though it's added to the long list of stupid shit people say to new parents. I said to a pregnant acquaintance yesterday "are you excited?" Then felt like a massive twat - of course she's fucking excited, what did I say that for?!

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Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 21:43

chilled it's not the same thing - 80,000 women a year in the UK are raped or sexually assualted. It's not a generalisation, it's a fucking phenomenon. many men will be future sexual predators and it's frankly stupid to not talk about it in case we hurt the feelz of their mothers

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sconebonjovi · 08/05/2016 21:43

What DoinIt said. So, you worry that people might assume your sons are rapists? As much as that sucks, it's not the same as fearing your daughter may be raped. I think the menz and boys are fine, don't see why y'all need to advocate for them in this particular conversation.