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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit weird when men get over protective about their DDs having boyfriends?

331 replies

PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:11

BIL has a thing about his DD getting a boyfriend (she's only 5!) and keeps saying things like he'll wait at home with a baseball bat when she goes on her first date and tells her she can't have a boyfriend until she's 21. Apparently he "knows what lads that age are like and how they treat girls" Hmm He doesn't do it in a jokey way either has no sense of humour.

This isn't the first time I've encountered this over protective attitude, and it's often portrayed on TV/films too. AIBU to think it's ridiculous and unhealthy? My dad was always fine with me having BFs as a teen, as long as they were treating me right.i think it's rather unfair to assume all boys are shitheads to girls.

OP posts:
moussakka · 08/05/2016 15:47

Totally agree OP! I find it really gross and cringeworthy. I've seen a facebook meme in retort to this sort of thing, with a dad saying his daughter will do whatever the hell she likes with her own body, because he respects her as an actual person. I find it really unpleasant and quite creepy when people do what you describe. My own dad never had an issue with boyfriends as long as I was happy. I feel sorry for people who grow up with this kind of macho condescension.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 15:47

If men want to protect girls from male predators, instead of telling girls they can't have sexual agency, they should raise their sons to not be predatory.

moussakka · 08/05/2016 15:49

The thing it ignores as well is that girls have a sexuality of their own - it is revealing that their focus is all on what the boy will be getting out of it.

YokoUhOh · 08/05/2016 15:50

You're right OP, it's heinously creepy, and likely to have the opposite effect to the one intended.

Catmuffin · 08/05/2016 15:51

There's a thing on Facebook where people think it's hilarious to post those "Rules if you're dating my son/daughter/cat"

I probably would lay down some rules if someone was wanting to date my cat. Grin

Amy214 · 08/05/2016 15:53

I dont want my dd to have a bf (i think it might be the thought of her growing up?) if she did have a bf i wouldnt be against it, as long as they are careful i would allow it, after all i dont want her doing in the bushes or anywhere outside. If he/she hurt her then i would be pissed off but i wouldnt hit them, would rather i was there for dd (if it was serious enough)

Brainnotbrawn · 08/05/2016 15:53

There is a lot of cat dating going on in our back yard at the moment, local feral cats btw not mine, I would lay down rules given half a chance.

BirthdayBetty · 08/05/2016 15:53

Ask him if the same applies if she has a girlfriend Wink
Bellendry indeed.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 15:53

The sickening thing is that it's nothing to do with the girls and everything to do with themselves and their sense of ownership.

LanaorAna1 · 08/05/2016 15:54

The father loves his DD, and love ain't perfect. Just wait until your father pushes a teen DD at any scumbag - married, alcoholic, notorious lech - because he thinks the liaison will do him a favour re paying less maintenance.

Sometimes there are good problems to have - we need perspective here.

ThisCakeFilledIsle · 08/05/2016 15:55

It's not sweet. I had the loveliest dad who never came out with this nonsense.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:58

I'm so pleased people agree with me. My poor lovely niece. I think Ask hit the nail on the head - if they don't want men behaving to their DDs like they have done themselves to girls, what awful things have they done to women in their past? It's fine to feel over protective but I'd rather men use their over protectiveness feelings to think "I will treat women like I want men to treat my DD, and show a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like". Interestingly, BIL has been a twat to pretty much all his girlfriends.

My DD is 3 and I asked DH how he feels about her having a first date/boyfriend/girlfriend etc. He said he hopes she does as he wants her to experience relationships and love and lust and giddiness, and all the joys that come with having a first love. He would feel quite sad for her if she didn't get to experience all that.

See, my DH is normal (and lovely), I swear BIL (his DB) was dropped on his head as a child.

OP posts:
YoJesse · 08/05/2016 15:59

Ooh yeah, I hate this but its so common. People just seem to except it. My Dad wasn't around when I started having boyfriends but I can't imagine he would have been like this. I'd of openly told him to fuck off if he tried it Grin.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:59

Brain do you live in my street? There's about 4,058 cats in total round here who love round here and they all decide to bump uglies in my back garden Angry oh well at least they're not shitting in it!

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 16:00

Male ownership of women's bodies is not "a good problem to have".

Theven impulse to violently hurt any man who steals your "peoperty" is closely related to the impulse to force other women into giving you the sex you are entitled to.

It comes from an utterly loathing of women.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 16:02

Lanaor, there is more than one way to be a crap parent. Policing your daughter's sexuality suggests a feeling of ownership that isn't dictated by what would make HER happy. Men who do this sort of shit do it for themselves. They'd be happy for their daughters to grow up repressed and joyless.

Inevitably they've been around the block themselves and don't want women to do the same without consequences.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 16:02

Worra yes round here it's the faux-macho creepy thing to do. BIL is about 2 inches shorter and 2 stone lighter than me (I'm 9st 4lb and 5'7" so not big Grin) and I really hope DNieces first boyfriend, if she is straight, is built like a brick shithouse. That'll learn him

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 08/05/2016 16:06

This kind of attitude encourages young women do things in 'secret' and lie about where they are going and who they are with, never a good thing.

KERALA1 · 08/05/2016 16:07

My poor dad has his heart broken by my sisters first boyfriend. He hasn't got a son and him and this bf got on brilliantly - lots in common. All great until dsis dumped him after 3 years. Poor bf was upset but so was my dad. He went for a long walk on his own and announced on his return that he was never going to get close to any bf again. He is polite and friendly to his son in laws but never to that extent.

Flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 08/05/2016 16:08

Yes he would feel the same way if it was a girl.
And I still think it's sweet but my DF was the most liberal of men and he felt the same about men (as did big brother and his mates ) Grin

UptownFunk00 · 08/05/2016 16:11

That's beyond strange.

Sure DH will worry that a boy will treat our DDs right when she starts dating- but he won't be aggressive unless the man is obviously abusive to them.

I think if she's under 16 he'd talk to them (or ask me to) and probably be not pleased if she was under 14 but he'd be rational about it.

My BIL is a nice guy but he's more likely to be a bit of a Bessemer with his girls.

DH too knows what guys are like and so do I, as had lots of bad experiences. I'll arm my DDs with knowledge and that she has the right not to be taken advantage of, be made to feel bad or put up with shit behaviour from a boyfriend. If I had a son, I'd say the same.

These types of men make me think of rednecks with guns- prepared to murder just because you looked at his baby.

Maybe BIL is just like this as he couldn't imagine his girl grown up and maybe in ten years time when he has a stubborn teen on his hands, it'll be different.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 16:13

Kerala, your dad needs to learn that it's not about him.

SlimCheesy · 08/05/2016 16:20

I agree 100%. One of the dad's at DS's school (he is 6) commented about his DD talking to my DS; 'Look, she's flirting already. I'll have to stop that'. Um, no. Actually, they were talking about IceAge 2.

The first time I went on a holiday with a boyfriend I was 25. Note that... 25. My Dfather said to me before we went away; 'I want you to come back with everything you went away with'. He meant my virginity. (long gone, dad,long gone). My DMother and I both simultaneously went batshit at him.

UptownFunk00 · 08/05/2016 16:21

Wtf is a Bessemer? No idea what it was supposed to be either!

daisychain01 · 08/05/2016 16:31

It smacks of "my DD is so helpless she needs to be locked up and protected."

Maybe suggest to your BIL he encourages his DD to take up self defence classes, pinky, then she can kick 'em in the cojones if a bloke tries to give her any gip.