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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit weird when men get over protective about their DDs having boyfriends?

331 replies

PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:11

BIL has a thing about his DD getting a boyfriend (she's only 5!) and keeps saying things like he'll wait at home with a baseball bat when she goes on her first date and tells her she can't have a boyfriend until she's 21. Apparently he "knows what lads that age are like and how they treat girls" Hmm He doesn't do it in a jokey way either has no sense of humour.

This isn't the first time I've encountered this over protective attitude, and it's often portrayed on TV/films too. AIBU to think it's ridiculous and unhealthy? My dad was always fine with me having BFs as a teen, as long as they were treating me right.i think it's rather unfair to assume all boys are shitheads to girls.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 16:32

SlimCheesy, brilliant. I've seen parents on here who refuse to allow their adult children to share rooms with their long term partners and absolutely insist that they know for sure that the power of their disapproval is keeping these 19 year olds chaste and pure.

I laugh so, so hard when I see that.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 16:34

Look, she's flirting already. I'll have to stop that

Jesus Christ.

Slut shaming his 6 year old.

Poor child. That is just revolting.

ShebaShimmyShake · 08/05/2016 16:38

I had a boyfriend who was perfectly respectable and decent (he was a Scout leader ffs) but Dad insisted on treating him like an evil predator. Had we just been allowed to stay in my own room overnight (we were 19) and respected as adults, we'd have had sex discreetly there and made no fuss. As it was, Dad's Victorian possessiveness meant that we made a point of having kinky sex on his bed while he was out, then in the en suite.

It was actually better than vanilla sex in my bedroom. Cheers Dad!

TheSolitaryBoojum · 08/05/2016 16:43

I think it's deeply weird. Fine to be concerned about the sort of relationship your child of either sex is getting into, to hope that they end up with someone decent, respectful and kind, to be prepared to help them pick up the pieces if it goes wrong and to support them. To expect that they will be mature enough to make a good choice and confident enough to reject the manipulative and predatory.
Very wrong to act the threatening alpha male, running off prospective hopefuls from your herd of females and bellowing aggressively. Makes me want to reach for the castrating tools. Or at least the testosterone inhibitor.

Wellthen · 08/05/2016 17:03

The one I hate, doing the rounds on the internet at the moment is 'what ever you do to my daughter, i'll do to you'

The delightful insinuation being that if he has sex with her, he'll get raped by his girlfriends father. Nice.

1 you realise you're threatening to rape someone? How is this normal behaviour?
2 how long does this stand for? Is your daughter NEVER allowed to have sex? Or will you eventually give her 'permission'?

NewLife4Me · 08/05/2016 17:08

My dh and ds x2 joke about these things with dd, they aren't serious and maybe your bil isn't either.

I think it's better than treating them like little princesses and daddies little girl, that's just boak.

Mine say that dd has to wear long skirts until 30, then she can start dating.
People who know she has two grown up brothers, especially ds1 rugby player Grin
Joke about it having to be a special person to get passed him etc.

All lads aren't shit heads to girls, but let's face it what stands between them having sex and not is opportunity.
I've met women who are the same about their sons and talk about unsuitable girls too.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 17:16

People who make the same joke over and over again are always ultimately serious.

Beth2511 · 08/05/2016 17:16

My other half was horrendous as a teenager sleeping around and what not, his worry for his dds is meeting someone just like he was!! He remembers the brutal games the boys used to play and the race for a tally of pulls and he doesnt want his daughters experiencing it.

Narp · 08/05/2016 17:19

I agree with you. As the mum of teenage boys I hope mine don't meet pathetic macho dads like this. Boys are people - and these fathers' low opinion of boys is only a reflection on what they used to be like

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 17:23

As a mum of boys I do hope they don't meet someone with parents like that!
I hate this low opinion of boys that society seems to have.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 17:25

Sorry NewLife but I just can't see how that kind of behaviour, joking or not, isn't damaging to girls. It singles them out as people who shouldn't have sexual relations, it's bad and daddy says no. People always say "but they're only joking" to excuse frankly shocking attitudes. I don't see what is funny about it. And I'm not sure how an over protective father would stop a young teen couple having the opportunity to have sex? Unless the dad follows her around 24/7, if a girl wants to have sex a creepy warning from her father means naff all

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 17:26

YY narp and cant I don't have boys but I feel for mums with boys when society has such little faith in their ability not to rape and beat women Sad

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DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 17:27

This is not about a low opinion of boys.

It's about a low opinion of girls.

They aren't even people, just property for men to "joke about" fighting over.

Narp · 08/05/2016 17:27

Doin

I think it's both.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 17:29

We have very little reason to have faith in boys not to rape and beat women when setting themselves up as the guardians of their sisters' virginity is still seen as an acceptable thing to do via constant "joking".

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 17:31

DoinItFine Oh come on, not everything is just a feminist issue. I get that this is showing a low opinion of girls too, but it's there loud and clear this attitude that boys can't be trusted just because they are boys. As a mum of just boys of course I am offended by the low opinion of boys.

Narp · 08/05/2016 17:32

DoIn

Not in my house

But I take your point

shamelessmailhack · 08/05/2016 17:37

It's gross. The guy I know who does it is an absolutely shit father anyway. He left his DDs mother for an OW when the girl was tiny. Yet he does all the 'I'll smash his faaaace' shit about his 2 year old DD.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 17:37

Whether or not teenage boys are suitable, safe company for teenage girls is entirely separate issue.

Even if they are not, it is still not acceptable for men and boys to act like their daughters' and sisters' virginity is theirs to protect and reflects on their manlihood.

I think it is a feminist issue and I think when men stop trying assert their ownership of women's bodies in this way we will be closer to a world where it is safe to assumensure a man won't rape you.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 17:40

I think I'd advise my daughters to give boys who make these kinds of "jokes" about their sisters a really wide berth.

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 17:51

Delightful woman hating BIL in question has posted this pic to FB. And what's worse is 4 women, including MIL, have 'liked it'.

So he hates that women aren't obedient for him and other men, but his DD is too precious for any man on the planet, the one exception in this world Hmm wanker. I could rant about him all day TBF. The ILs always say "I wish he'd just find a nice girl to be with". I said to DH nice girls go out with nice boys, they don't go out with mysoginistic losers who smoke weed, never want to go out and do anything, threaten to beat up non-existent people and post to Facebook about how much he hates women. But no, BIL is just misunderstood, and we can't hurt his precious feelz by telling him he's anything other than amazing and any woman would be lucky to have him (that's what the ILs say btw, DH thinks he's a wanker as well Grin)

To think it's a bit weird when men get over protective about their DDs having boyfriends?
OP posts:
AskBasil · 08/05/2016 18:18

I tell my DD not to go near the sort of boys who are brought up to tell jokes about protecting their sister's virginity.

FFS I can't believe people are still bringing their boys up with these sorts of attitudes. Do us a favour and keep them away from our girls, eh.

sconebonjovi · 08/05/2016 18:41

Whenever people start with the whole 'oh my poor sons' crap, my teeth hurt.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 18:43

AskBasil My boys aren't and will never be brought up with that attitude. But you see, unfortunately for them, there will be dads and brothers out there of girls who may not like one of my boys dating their daughter/sister even though he has been brought up well and poses no risk to a girl.

I actually feel like telling my boys to stay away from "your" girls as long as possible!

Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2016 18:43

What do you mean by that scone? Confused