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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's a bit weird when men get over protective about their DDs having boyfriends?

331 replies

PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 15:11

BIL has a thing about his DD getting a boyfriend (she's only 5!) and keeps saying things like he'll wait at home with a baseball bat when she goes on her first date and tells her she can't have a boyfriend until she's 21. Apparently he "knows what lads that age are like and how they treat girls" Hmm He doesn't do it in a jokey way either has no sense of humour.

This isn't the first time I've encountered this over protective attitude, and it's often portrayed on TV/films too. AIBU to think it's ridiculous and unhealthy? My dad was always fine with me having BFs as a teen, as long as they were treating me right.i think it's rather unfair to assume all boys are shitheads to girls.

OP posts:
CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 18:44

scone why though?? Hmm am I not supposed to stick up for my children just because they have a penis? Do fuck off.

DoinItFine · 08/05/2016 18:47

It'seems probably the whole

"The important thing about women being treated badly is how it affects my boys."

We'recommend basically back to women and girls mattering only inasmuch as that impacts on the proper people, who obviously are the ones with penises.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 18:54

We have "poor menz"

Now it's....

"Poor Boyz" Hmm

Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2016 18:57

It isn't 'poor' anyone. In my RL all the parents of both boy and girl teens have been completely normal, same as the teens themselves....

littledrummergirl · 08/05/2016 19:05

My dh says that he is planning to lay down the rules for any potential partner for dd. He also mentioned something about her two big brothers vetting them.
I told him that if he pulls this shit she can and will tell him to fuck off. We are bringing her up to think carefully about her choices and to trust her own judgement. Nobody has the right to tell her what she can and can't do and that starts at home.

She will have my full support in enforcing this. Grin

For what it's worth I feel the same about my boys.

Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2016 19:07

I think it's quite naive for parents to think they are definitely going to meet these new girlfriends/boyfriends. If you knew your parents had a strange attitude you wouldn't take them home would you?

Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 19:12

I usually hate "what about the menz" crap but in this instance, where there'll be perfectly lovely young men having the daunting task of meeting his GFs parents, and having the father hate him already with the only reason being he has a penis, damn right I'll feel sorry for that boy. Not nearly in the same way as I feel sorry for the DD though. I think it's possible to be a feminist and recognise the struggles men face as an indirect result of misogyny

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkyOfPie · 08/05/2016 19:12

That should have read "struggles good men face"

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 08/05/2016 19:13

Hopefully the DD will tell the boyfriend and they can go elsewhere. That's what I would do if it were my Dad.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 19:57

"AskBasil My boys aren't and will never be brought up with that attitude."

In that case my comment doesn't apply to you then, does it.

So there's no need to have a defensive response to my comment about wanting parents who bring up their sons with that attitude, away from girls, is there?

And you might want to think about why you feel the need to say you'd want to keep your boys away from the girls of women on this thread, who have made it quite clear that they don't tolerate this particular form of patriarchal BS in their daughters' lives.

chilledwarmth · 08/05/2016 20:14

I think it's natural. All parents want to look out for their children and this feeling seems to be particularly strong in the case of fathers with their daughters, maybe because traditionally the man is seen as the protector.

I have no intention of being "the scary dad" to any guy my daughter chooses to date. All I'll ask of them is to treat her fairly, I know they will argue, they will have bad times in their relationship, they might even split up because not every relationship works out, but as long as a guy treats my daughter fairly at every stage, that's all I want.

Fourormore · 08/05/2016 20:25

I actually feel like I don't know how to be a feminist because I have sons. They aren't dangerous, evil, rapists or in any way perpetuating the "patriarchy" and actually I see women perpetuating the patriarchy just as much I see men doing it.
I worry about my sons just as much as I worry about my daughter. I can't stand the sarcastic "what about the menz" bullshit.

"What about the boyz" made me want to bloody scream. They are CHILDREN.

I read something once that said that if you fight to be a victim, that is what you will stay. There are some worthy feminist causes but the way it's used on Mumsnet sometimes utterly devalues the whole fight.

Fourormore · 08/05/2016 20:27

And as for any man that comes out with this beating up any boy who looks at my daughter rubbish - it simply tells me that he treated women like crap when he was younger and is judging others by his low standards.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 20:30

Ooh, someone has just posted this on my FB and it's just so apposite.

the violence we teach our sons...

Shallowstreams · 08/05/2016 20:31

I don't understand why boy teenagers are described as being desperate for sex (I remember what I was like as a lad heh heh) and girl ones aren't.

It just horribly sexist

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 20:31

Fourormore I have a son and it doesn't stop me being a feminist.

And guess what, he doesn't feel he owns his sister's sexuality.

Out there, I know... Grin

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 20:32

chilled of course and I don't blame you one bit for wanting that for your daughter- for any future boyfriends to treat her fairly at every stage. As a parent of course you want that.
Cue some rolly eyes but so what.... I want the exact same for my sons. Why wouldn't I? I want them to be happy, and I want future girlfriends to treat them fairly at every stage like you want for your daughter. A relationship is based on mutual respect so I don't think the onus is solely on boys/men to be nice and fair to their partner. It works both ways.

Fourormore · 08/05/2016 20:35

I'm not saying it's impossible. I know it's possible. I just can't match up my values with those often shouted about on Mumsnet. I can't stand that any issues where a man may be a victim or may struggle in society is essentially met with "poor menz Hmm". I don't want to be the sort of woman that is so caught up in women's issues that I have to be dismissive to the point of being offensive about any issue a man might face. What's wrong with fighting for everybody's rights? What's wrong with listening to everybody's perspectives?

chilledwarmth · 08/05/2016 20:39

It does and I totally understand that. There is some commentary on the fact that a father-daughter relationship (and also a mother-son relationship) seems to be stronger than a father-son and mother-daughter relationship. If you take that into account, as well as the fact that traditionally in the past the man was seen as the protector of the rest of the family, you can sort of see where this idea of a scary dad checking out the new boyfriend comes from.

nooka · 08/05/2016 20:41

It's natural to want to protect your children, sure. I hope that no one breaks either of my children's hearts or hurts them in any way (I also hope that they in their turn will be kind). This sort of posturing however, especially at a time when the issue is utterly irrelevant is all just 'I'm the big man' shit, and has nothing to do with the well being of any daughters. It's also a way of telegraphing that the man was a bit of a player in his time (at least in his own mind), which when coupled with association with very young daughters is really iffy.

My own dh was very encouraging when our teenage dd was on the verge of her first relationship, surely that's more normal?

chilledwarmth · 08/05/2016 20:45

I agree with that Fourormore. If someone responded to a thread where a woman was being abused with "Poor Womenz" there would be outrage. But if someone has a dick, they are fair game it seems.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/05/2016 20:46

Fourormore when I said the "boyz" comment, I was just saying it because that's what it feels like. When you stick up for your sons you have people saying things like it makes their "teeth itch".
My sons are 1,3 and 5. Little children. When people talk about boys as though they are future sex predators and will control any girl that gives hem some attention, I do take it personally.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 20:53

"What's wrong with fighting for everybody's rights? What's wrong with listening to everybody's perspectives?"

There's nothing wrong with fighting for everybody's rights. But feminism is about women's liberation.

In the same way you wouldn't say to the Cat's Protection League, "But why aren't you fighting to set up donkey sanctuaries?" there's no reason people fighting for one set of rights, have to dilute their focus of concern to all the issues that are important to them. You can support other people's fight for their rights, without taking the focus and energy away from your primary struggle.

Apart from which, It's up to men to fight this shit - it's up to men, not to say things like this and to bring their sons up, to know that men who do say things like this, are out of order. This shit hurts boys; so why are men continuing to do it? Instead of calling on women to stop focusing on fighting for our rights and to fight for men's rights too, call upon men to fight for their own rights and to stop buying into patriarchal masculinity and we'll support them in doing that. It's up to men to dismantle the construction of masculinity which is harming them and not up to women to do it for them; we busy enough already.

AskBasil · 08/05/2016 21:00

"When people talk about boys as though they are future sex predators and will control any girl that gives hem some attention, I do take it personally."

Why do you think people talk like that about little boys?

Fourormore · 08/05/2016 21:04

So women are too busy to fight for men's rights but men have to protect women by dismantling the patriarchy AND fight for their own issues without the help from women (who can/do contribute/cause those issues?

And for heavens sake, we are all PEOPLE.

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