To be furious with this teacher.

[AlarmBells]

Sorry this is a bit long but I need a rant!

So, but of background, ds who's 8 has had a difficult relationship with school. We've been in a few times to talk about behaviour. (Attitude, talking back, arguing in class)

Every time we've been in I've tried my best to be supportive. I don't agree with punishing children twice for offenses, but I have a stern talk with him when we get home and we talk about what's triggering it, and how me and the teacher can help him.

We were called in again today, another frustrating session. Apparently DS swore and shouted at a boy in class, who (and the teacher admitted it) had been annoying him by sticking his tongue out and making noises at him.

She says he'she's often rude and talks back consistently...he says the other kids in class are always annoying him. I asked what was being done about that and teacher smiled patronisingly, rolled her eyes and said she's had a word with the parents and the children. She then turned to DS and said 'we are talking about YOUR behaviour though' with another smirk.

Anyway, we left, I again promised to talk to DS when home. She saw us to the door. However when she turned back I realised we'd forgotten his book bag, so I caught door as it was closing and nipped back in (DS stayed outside).

I was just outside the class room and heard this exchange.

' Do you have a brick wall I can bag my head against'
'Is it xxxxx again?'
'Oh God, he's just so rude! And his mum thinks he sh*ts gold, that's the problem! He just gets home and whines to mummy he's being picked on and she laps up every word! Funny how he only does that when he gets a bollocking. Little shit'
'What are you going to do?'
'She sounds like she's making screechy sound from psycho, they laugh'.

I quickly and quietly get out, but I'm still fuming. Totally unprofessional, yes? I know they thought I was out the building, but still. I now know a few things:

1. She has talked about my son like this before.
2. she refers to children as 'little shits'
3. She is completely two faced
4. she has no regards for ds's feelings during all this.

What's my next move? Feeling distraught. May email head tonight/ tommorow morning.

I'd be interested to know what the the author of this topic thinks about the responses.

As far as DS is concerned, be angry and express how disappointed you are. Punish him until he conforms. When he does start to improve, tell him how proud you are and how fantastic he is.

Kids know when we are being rubbish parents.

Have a conversation with the teacher. When she says "oh my god I'm so sorry" tell her: Hey, it's ok. I understand he must be a pain and you were only letting off steam. It's fine.Tell her you are going to get this thing sorted. She will have a new respect for you.

No one is a perfect parent, but we can all be open to learning how to improve.

I know you'll make things better - go for it!

I think you have all the right to be furious.

If she uses words like Little shits to describe kids, then one would wonder how she deals with those kids on daily basis when they are there without their parents.
So what, if she's having a bad day, she'd scold them for no reason !!

Why is she letting your son being bullied in the first place anyway !

I'd complain to the head immediately. Also, name and shame her as the one who calls kids " Little shits "

Oh wow. I only got through the first few pages of the post.
To those calling a child vile .... seriously how is that even remotely acceptable?! -vicious-
This is an 8 year old boy! Ffs.

Also to those asking about how he knows swear.words .... have you heard ks2 kids on a playground?!?! I hear them most lunch times as I walk my dog and hear a LOT of them swearing!

For whatever reason he is struggling with the school environment. As a mum with a child who has severe behavioural difficulties you have my empathy OP. You are not a shit mum. Your previous methods maybe aren't working so seeking help from the school/dr/SENco/camhs to find the root problem would help you
Having temper issues and anger control issues actually is symptomatic of a host of other issues like spd odd adhd asd.

I'd be pissed off hearing someone speak about my child that way. They are after all young children. But I'd perhaps try and see both sides. Not every teacher is experienced in dealing with problematic children and I imagine get equally as frustrated.

It's not about punishing at home for the sake of a second punishment, it's more about structure and consequence. My son is suspended most weeks and is now in the process of a vulnerable pupil panel and as a result he looses out at home. He doesn't loose everything as his level of understanding is assessed at the age of a toddler but even with that his ps4 and ipad are taken away for 72hrs everytime. (Sometimes more for his siblings to see the behavior isn't OK even when his understanding and control aren't there)

Take small positive steps and don't let people belittle you.

I can see why you want to protect your DS but the school needs your 100% support (whatever you feel inside) and that needs to be demonstrated in front of your DS who seems to have a short fuse. Other kids will pick up on that and will do things just to wind him up. It happens regularly on the rugby or football field, players will wind up the opponent they know has a short fuse to get him sent off. DS needs to be taught not to react, not easy but essential, a short fuse when he's older will get him into serious trouble. He also needs to be punished 'twice' as school sanctions don't seem to be working and they will only become more severe until it gets to temporary exclusion or even worse. Some can be little shits and in the next breath perfect angels.
You say you've been into school a number of times regarding his behaviour - does that not concern you? The vast majority of parents will never have been into school about their child's behaviour.

I've read through every single comment and was sorry to say shocked at the harsh, cold and judgemental attitudes of posters. We are all moms and I'm pretty sure that most of our kids have misbehaved at some point or the other. We all have different parenting style which is attached to our life experiences. Though I'm in agreement that this mom should maybe review how she is parenting, I do not think throwing abuse at her is the best way of offering advice. Like the teacher, she is frustrated and probably a bit overwhelmed and has come on her to speak to other women in the hope of getting some feedback about how to move forward but instead of supportive advice, she's been made to feel small, a terrible parent, incapable and disrespected. I'm a newbie on here so excuse me if I'm incorrect but I thought this site was for women to express their views and frustrations on a variety of topics that we experience. I wasn't aware it was the place you came to be beaten down. Anyway, all I'm saying is that it's not what you say, it's the way you say it. Let's attempt to uplift each other. The world gives us enough of a licking.

My thoughts exactly, FuckCalm.

I have been where you are OP, I didn't realise the extent to which I defended my DS until years later then I tried to put my foot down and he moved in with his Dad, who let him do whatever! I really wish I had opened my eyes much earlier. When you said your DS says everyone in class annoys him I remembered hearing that exact line from my DS!

I could also imagine the headteacher saying those things about me when I was always in school defending and excusing. Not always standing up for your DCs doesn't mean you don't love them - quite the opposite, and they won't think that either. I have a good relationship with my DS now. Good luck.

I'm very sorry about your and your son's situation. I hope you did not get depressed and discouraged with all the hate replies by the teachers who condone calling any child "little sh*t" (even if it is done in private). Such teacher is no better than your child. Teacher's job is a very hard job and if one is not ready for the challenge then they are not supposed to take it. I have seen many teachers who managed to deal with such problems by being creative, persistent, working together with the parent and the child, and using no profanities to describe such a child. In your son's case, I see no direct dealing with the problem being done here, either by you, or the teacher. I also believe that your son has a problem that cannot be dealt with by using punishment. Analyzing your situation, couple of things come to mind. One is that your son may have had a very bad experience at school (bullied or humiliated in some way) that triggered this impulsive behaviour. He may be acting out of frustration. Another scenario is that your son may be having some sort of disorder or chemical imbalance that may be causing the impulsive behaviour that he is not able to control. Or maybe, something that happened in you house. I do not have enough details to claim either.
I genuinely believe that you should seek a professional help, some sort of a child psychologist (a good one) who will be able to reach the bottom of the problem and give you tools that will help you deal with them. Also, you will have it on the paper and will be able to actually instruct the school (maybe through the school principal?) on how to approach your son, or maybe, if it is available at his school, get some extra help, like a buddy, teacher's assistant, meditation classes, etc. In my opinion both your son and other children are being just that - children. Children know they can make him angry by teasing him and they use it for entertainment. Your son lets them get it because he cannot control his impulse. You are not a bad parent. You did everything you could do by yourself and it is time you admit you need help and seek it. Be constructive, not defensive and destructive! I hope this helps. I wish you all the best.

Not every teacher is experienced in dealing with problematic children

No so they should seek help. Not slag off an 8 year old, calling him a little shit, criticising the mother and effectively saying she's being taken in. A professional would seek assistance from the SENCO and on new ways to discipline (and engage) a problem child.

It's absolutely true that kids pick up on when some kids have a short fuse and goad them until they explode. A good school will pick up on this goading and deal with it A bad school will not (there's another thread on here about a school seemingly incapable of dealing with blatant bullying).

I'm not into the idea of punishing twice, after all we don't go into school and ask them to punish for things that happen at home (or are there parents who do that?) However, if it gets serious, you need to do something although I don't know why the default punishment for most parents seems to be "take the ipad away". Really? Find something a bit more relevant and constructive! For example, when my 13 year old son misbehaved on a school trip last year I stopped him going on the next one he wanted to go on. It appears to have worked.

I don't agree with the comment "the vast majority of parents don't get called into school". Not a chance. Most kids do something wrong at some point and there will be calls home at the very least. My mother was called in because I didn't do my homework on time! You don't need to be violent and/or swearing.

I think I knew what sort of post this was going to be when you opened by telling us your son has a 'difficult relationship with school".
YABU OP. You eavesdropped and heard something you didn't like, suck it up. Your son sounds like a nightmare.

Didn't think to read the entire thread before commenting, though, wandering, did you?

To be honest you do sounds like you think he shifts gold...

Shits gold even!

And another one ...

I'm sure this is all very hard to hear, and there's a good chance you'll stand your ground instead of listening to any of this advice --- but for your son's sake try to keep an open mind. YABU.

If I overheard a teacher speaking that way about my child I would be exceedingly upset, furious, livid. It was unprofessional to say the least and whether private or not she was on school grounds referring to a student as a little shit. Unacceptable.

But this is NOT your focus here. You have to let that go, you have to. Be the bigger person. Face the fact that you're tactics in handling your son's behaviour issues at school are not working and it's time for a different approach.

Maybe his teacher has it out for him. Maybe the other students just want to get him into trouble and so egg him on constantly.

Maybe you should teach him how to deal with rudeness in a more respectful and productive way.

People are perfectly entitled to comment on the original post, RiverTam. It's not The Law that everyone has to read the entire thread.

No it isn't. But they do look like utter bellends when the thread has moved on and the OP's position changed - they clearly think their opinion is important but it's just irrelevant and can often be quite hurtful. I just don't get why anyone would post on a 300+ post thread without checking out all the OP's posts. It's the online equivalent of liking the sound of your own voice.

ceebie

Dead horse - flogging.

I just don't get why anyone would post on a 300+ post thread without checking out all the OP's posts. It's the online equivalent of liking the sound of your own voice.

^^This.

Can you highlight the OP's and your own posts if you're using the App?

Dunno. I use the mobile site on my phone and iPad and you can do it on those.

[hug] for you and for your little boy op. some kids do struggle, my ds had a bad first 2 years, similar to your ds but very up and down, extremely bad days with good smattered inbetween. His teachers were very old school (rumour was they were both just marking time until they retired s reckon they just cba with working with me to sort him out, saying it wasnt their job to help his behaviour) and wrote him off pretty much which was heartbreaking for me. his teacher this year is, frankly, a fairy godmother, shes very young and extremely good with the challenging kids and my ds is now doing amazing and she has told me she adores him :) could be coincidence that hes 'matured' into school but i do think she has helped me turn it around. what did help was i suggested a school diary where she jotted down how hed been in the day and got him to sign it, id jot how hed been that night and hed sign it, he felt very grown up and important so it made him want to sign off only good things, after just a couple of weeks it seemdd to do the trick.

i do think that your ds teacher was bang out of order saying that when there is a remote chance of you still being in the vicinity and i would say something, like "i know you must think that i think my son shits gold but i know he can be a great kid so how about we try xxxx...." just so she knows you heard. her saying that is no different to one of us hearing a customer service advisor slagging us off thinking they have hung up, we wouldnt accept that yet because its a child its ok? well it isnt.

he'll get there op. hang in and ask the teacher to work with you, maybe suggest the diary thing and also give shitloads of praise when he does something good, maybe buy him a special badge that he can pop on his school bag when hes had a good day and it stays on until he misbehaves...and get him a trophy with his name on from ebay, £1.99 cheapo thing, make a ceremony out of givjng it to him when hes been extra specially good. it can be draining praising the smallest thing but some kids need it to feel reassured and safe.

Yeah I'd be mad. Yes I would talk to the head. I would mention what you overheard, I would preface it with a comment about knowing he is challenging and that is frustrating and teachers need to be able to blow off steam, however... and tell her the conversation you overheard. Then I'd say that the reason you have brought it up is not to try and crucify the teacher but because it illustrates that whatever you are all doing is not working right now and he needs some help from all of you as a team.

I think the conversation would go something along the lines of "I know my child has very challenging behaviour at times. I think it needs to be addressed, not just by me or you or the teacher but by all of us. Can we work out a behaviour plan to address the behaviour and work together on this because I feel like we aren't doing that right now."

I have a special needs kid. Most of his special needs weren't identified when he was younger and many many people thought he was 'naughty'. I am lucky that his schools have been willing to work with us to try and teach him better behaviours and they are known for being a very kind and loving school, but it was really rough for a while and I know his school wasn't very happy with the behaviour for a while. Even our schools that were so good with him were definitely more understanding when they finally identified the conditions he has.

For a couple of years in his IEP meetings I referenced Dr Ross Greene who firmly believes that if kids could do well they would do well. In other words, if the kid had the skills to exhibit adaptive behavior, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behavior.

I think I might mention that to the head and ask if we can work together to encourage him and teach him skills to deal with his anger and frustration issues. I know I have had the best luck with my son's schools when they know we are all pulling together on something. I also suggest you pick up a copy of Dr Greene's book "The Explosive Child"

gah, made the classic mistake of not reading the thread first. Please excuse, will go read it now ::tail between legs::

teacher sounds incompetent more because of her interaction with you - who smirks and rolls their eyes? And she could have been more careful. Personally, I'd approach her more directly about it. I think everyone involved needs to adjust things in this situation - you, your son, the. teacher