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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a wedding one

129 replies

PotterBot · 04/05/2016 09:24

Sis-in-law is getting married. She doesn't want lots of bridesmaids but wants all the children of the family to wear the same outfit. Has sent chosen dress around for us to buy its £60. I have to buy three, when the children already have suitable wedding wear.

Have suggested children wear their own clothes, this has not gone down well at all.

My feelings are that if you want someone to wear a specific outfit you should pay for the outfit not dictate how much the other person needs to spend to get into your wedding.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rumbelina · 04/05/2016 09:27

No! Not in the slightest. God I hate all this shit. Weddings should be about people not matching outfits. Gah.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/05/2016 09:28

Yeah, she should at least contribute to the cost of she can't cover the cost of the all the outfits.

Sounds a bit bridezilla ish to want things all that way especial without paying for it.

Can you afford to do it? In which case I would just say go with it for the sake of a fall out then. You can sell them after.

If money is tight then I would just tell her you can't afford to pay for them

NannawifeofBaldr · 04/05/2016 09:29

YANBU.

Spending £180 on dresses which won't in all likelihood fit them for longer than a few months and will no doubt be too fancy to wear to anything else is ridiculous.

If she wants them in a £60 dress then she should pay.

Lottapianos · 04/05/2016 09:30

Jeez. Totally with you OP. If she wants the children in matching outfits (sounds ghastly by the way!), then she pays for it. It's beyond cheeky to expect other people to fork out for this. I would be fuming.

Original poster
PotterBot · 04/05/2016 09:30

No I really can't afford it. And she has also been sent a selection of dresses as an alternative by other members of the party which are a lot cheaper and in my opinion a lot nicer.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 04/05/2016 09:32

Well just be straight and say you can't afford it

KoalaDownUnder · 04/05/2016 09:32

YANBU.

She wants something so utterly unnecessary, she can pay for it!

Winterbiscuit · 04/05/2016 09:32

YANBU. The couple will ask the wedding party to wear certain clothes, but apart from that, they don't get a say in how their guests are dressed.

cosmicglittergirl · 04/05/2016 09:33

YANBU
Agree, say it's a waste of money.

Lottapianos · 04/05/2016 09:34

Absolutely tell her you can't afford it. £180 is a lot of money on top of all the other wedding expense!

user1456925105 · 04/05/2016 09:35

Tell her feck right off with herself. I'm getting married myself in a few weeks and i wanted my bridesmaids in the same colour didnt matter about the style. I let them pick what they liked. Slightly different to your situation but still. I choose that for my wedding so I pay for it. Your sis should as well. Matching dresses for the kids is her choice so her responsibility to pay.

RaeSkywalker · 04/05/2016 09:37

YANBU.

My DH was asked to be an usher by friends a couple of years ago, but the couple were on a really tight budget and couldn't afford suit hire. They just said "if you have them, please could you wear a grey suit, white shirt, and red tie. If you don't that's fine, please don't buy anything specially".

If she's not paying, she can't dictate what outfits are worn. Especially if she's asking you to spend £180 on outfits that your children will likely soon outgrow/ not wear again.

I genuinely think you should tell her you're not doing it.

PatriciaHolm · 04/05/2016 09:37

If she wants to dictate what her non-bridesmaids (!) are wearing, then she pays.

CurlyBlueberry · 04/05/2016 09:42

YANBU. They choose, they pay.

I did have a few friends who acted as ushers for me and I said "the colour theme is dark blue, PLEASE don't feel you have to buy anything, if you'd like to match the theme that would be great but if not DON'T WORRY". Two did buy new dresses but they could wear them again. I chose the bridesmaids outfits so I paid for them.

29redshoes · 04/05/2016 09:53

YANBU. I think all you can do is be polite but firm about it. That's a lot of money for outfits they will only wear once.

I think in the US it's usual to expect bridesmaids to buy their own dresses, so maybe she picked it up from an American wedding website/TV programme and thinks it's normal? Not a great excuse given your children aren't even 'official' bridesmaids but just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt!

GnomeDePlume · 04/05/2016 09:55

Dont get into an argument with her, dont debate just say No I dont want my DCs to look like they are auditioning for The Sound of Music

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/05/2016 09:57

Could you afford it if you didn't pay anything else, so paying for the outfits was in lieu of any present (not that I can see SIL liking that suggestion any better, but she'd have less to argue about).

margewiththebluehair · 04/05/2016 09:57

As far as I know the bride pays for all the bridesmaids dresses.

How rude of her to insist you pay for it. I would simply just say no and if she doesn't want my kids then fine.

FeelingSmurfy · 04/05/2016 09:58

She doesn't want bridesmaids but wants them all dressed the same in cute expensive dresses? That just sounds like "I want bridesmaids to look cute on the photos, but I don't want any extra cost" to me

OnlyLovers · 04/05/2016 09:58

What the fuck?

They're not even part of the wedding party (am I understanding that right?) and she wants to dictate what they wear?

That's weird.

Tell her no. You don't need to tell her you can't afford it or they'll grow out of them. Just 'No. It's not happening.'

purplepandas · 04/05/2016 09:59

Definitely out of order. I would say no. If she wants those outfits then she pays.

OnlyLovers · 04/05/2016 09:59

Could you afford it if you didn't pay anything else, so paying for the outfits was in lieu of any present

Bollocks to that. It's not something to deal and bargain about. What if she asked all adult guests to wear certain clothes too? I'm sure she'd receive a resounding 'Piss off'. It's just the same with the kids.

RedToothBrush · 04/05/2016 09:59

Just tell her the truth!!!

I don't know why its a dilemma.

If she gets upset because you can't afford it, that really says it all.

You can't not afford to indulge her, and she needs to accept it.

Let her behaviour like a spoilt brat. If she wants you there, its on your terms not hers...

firesidechat · 04/05/2016 10:00

It's a way of getting cute children in matching outfits for the photos, which is 90% of the bridesmaids role, but on the cheap. I would say no personally.

Original poster
PotterBot · 04/05/2016 10:02

That's right she has separate bridesmaids but wants the other kids to all wear the same outfit.

I wouldn't mind if the dresses were around the £30 mark but they aren't. Also the wedding isn't local so without the outfits we are still looking at a £500 once you throw accommodation, petrol and other bits into the mix as well.

OP posts: