Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

[lulowvanbeethoven]

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?

OP I started reading this thread thinking YABU (and still think you were... I remain astounded that you didn't do some research into how private renting works prior to making that kind of financial commitment) and I do think, possibly because your parents/Dad seem to have paid for a lot, that you struggle sometimes to offer your share based on the information you've given.

However, and it's a huge however, I used to be in a relationship with someone whose earnings far outstripped my own and I had very little money. He reacted the way your fiancé has reacted, based on your descriptions, and it's one of the reasons I am no longer with him. He became incredibly controlling and always twisted conversations so that I was in the wrong. I ended up paying a disproportionate amount of my income to be 'fair' and avoid getting told off like a child.

If I were you I'd sit down with him for a talk about how finances are going to work once you are married, since I don't get the sense you've discussed it properly before,and also be seriously considering whether you want to spend the rest of your life with his man.

Have you discussed finances when you're married or have a baby? As these things are really important, especially if you aren't earning.

So you're young, you don't know the ins and outs of things. So what. He was once too. Adult relationships aren't all about money, power, control and stress. You should aim for equality and kindness in a man. Nothing less.

FFS DO NOT GET MARRIED

You need to grow up, you're very passively moving from daddy running your life to husband running your life.

Which would be bad enough if your fiancé was good.

He's not.

*DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHI SHOUTS.
DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE THAT YOUR FATHER BARELY KNOWS.
DO NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL IN THE WRONG UNFAIRLY.

AND DO THE FUCK NOT MARRY SOMEONE WHO SLAMS THEIR HAND AT YOU.*

Forget the rent nonsense.
Get over to the Relationships board here and describe life with him. I'm guessing there'll be a lot of help there to point out some very red flags.

Ok I do think you're but naive and air headed about things but dear god this sounds ridiculous.

I know many people do finances differently to me and dh but I couldn't bear to be in a relationship where finances were so separate. When I was a student and dh (then dp) was working he paid for most things. In fact he paid off my credit card that was over £1k. It has never ever been thrown back at me. We work as a unit. Now I'm the sole earner and he looks after our two DC. I would never dream of saying this is my money. In a long term relationship it's just swings and roundabouts isn't it? What would he be like if you were to be a sahm?

Out of interest, is he a doctor?

You need to grow up, you're very passively moving from daddy running your life to husband running your life

^This.

Moreis, no why?

My dad hasn't run my life, it was just paying for rent as a student which isn't really running my life I don't think?

But you've never had to be financially responsible. Your dad always paid your rent, you fritter money away and you had no idea about private renting.

Who cares if your phone screen broke? It's got nothing to do with your fiancé if you get it fixed. My phone screen has broken several times. My dh couldn't care less if I choose to get it fixed or not, because it's my phone!

If my financial situation stays as it is, I'll be paying my daughter's uni rent in 10 years time, and gifting her a house deposit. Lucky bugger!

But she's going to know all about how renting works.

OK, maybe running your life was a bit strong - but he was certainly managing it for you. Doesn't sound like he gave you an allowance and left you to it - you didn't even have to think about how much the rent was, when to pay it.

And then you went straight from daddy paying to boyfriend paying. It sounds like you've never really taken financial responsibility.

Anyway, it's a side issue for the moment - the real issue is that you're even thinking of marrying a man who SHOUTS at you. And slams his hand at you That is a violent physical act. Ignore it at your peril.

I hope daddy is astute enough to keep the house deposit contribution as a share of the property in his name.

So if you do marry this bully, at least his money is safe when you escape.

I'm serious - slamming his hand at you is a MASSIVE red flag.

1. I don't think you're ready to get married.

1. I don't think you should marry this man.

FWIW I met DH when I was 20 and he was 26. I was a student, he ran a company. He knew more about travel, money, all sorts of stuff really. I eventually moved from living with my generous, fairly protective parents to with him. It was fine. Many years later it's still fine. He continues to control family finances, largely because I'd rather do the ironing than look at online banking. We both contribute equally to money. We both contribute labour fairly, if not equally. We make important decisions together. He views me as an adult and always has done. I've had relationships in the past with older men who did see me as a child and wanted to control me, I could see they were dysfunctional and no good for me.

Cabrinha, what he would do would be to pay the rent for the term at the start of each term. I also had a small regular amount going in from my mum's pension and this and my part time job was enough to live on.

Am a bit worried about him slamming his hand at me too. It really is quite intimidating.

Op please don't marry him.he is not a good person. What you describe isn't little or silly, you are right to be concerned and you will not be happy with him.

I don't like the shouty hand slamming either and marrying somebody who your parents hardly know is probably not great unless you are not at all close which doesnt sound the case.

His behaviour isn't going to change you know. If you feel intimidated now this will continue. And often things get worse, especially when you're pregnant.

I'm not very close to my dad, he never expresses much of an opinion anyway.

I do want children, which is what led me to mumsnet! but not right now!

Sounds like your mum passed away I'm sorry for your loss. My stepdaughter to be gets a dependents payment from her mum's pension until she's 23.

I'm sorry she's not here to look out for you - but I bet your dad wouldn't want you with a man who slams his hand at you.

Any kind of aggressive physical gesture is a bad sign. Not just me scaremongering - it is a known risk factor for later contact violence.

No-one should ever feel physically intimidated by their boyfriend.

Please take care of yourself, and explore how you're feeling properly. Your instinct is keeping the flipping over rent in your mind for a reason.

You can call off a wedding any time - literally at the altar. But even easier to delay it when it's low key, as you mentioned.

Don't tie yourself to this man. Even if you don't want to leave him right now - don't tie yourself.

You're young, have a great professional career ahead of you, friends who I'm sure care about you, your dad... Enjoy life! It really isn't the norm to have a boyfriend who makes you feel in the wrong, flips at you, tells you off for drinking wine he offered, makes you feel intimidated. You can do sooooo much better! (single is better too!)

Thanks, Caprinha, that's a really helpful message.

Totally agree with Caprinha. I came out of a long term relationship aged 23. Hadn't lived by myself before, had to get on with it. Became totally independent, confident, completely changed me, total learning experience. Then a few years later I met my now amazing husband and we have two children.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

I think when you're older you realise just how young you are in your early twenties. You've so much time ahead of you and if there's even one red flag flying around this man then you shouldn't make that huge commitment.

I don't want to upset you but in marrying this man, are you hoping to create a family life? I could completely understand that if you were, but really, I think you'd be better doing that with close girlfriends. It would be really tough on you if you married and then it all went wrong - it would be far worse than if you didn't have the marriage in the first place.

Hmm hadnt been so far, why?

Thanks, Imperial, and others, I'm grateful for you making me stop and think although I'm not totally sure what to do, I'll leave things a week or so and maybe name change and post in relationships.

well you apparently joined mumsnet to post on my thread, so maybe we should all ask if you are real ? :)