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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

265 replies

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 16:24

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 18:47

You seem to be paying a price everytime he's 'generous', so it's not really him giving, is it?

Original poster

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:49

Small weddings don't cost thousands, it's literally just going to be us, but yes I do fritter and I wish I could stop.

One of my friends said that as well rickety

OP posts:

TheCrumpettyTree · 03/05/2016 18:49

If you're having worries about someone you shouldn't be marrying them. This side of him isn't going to go away.

Nanunanu · 03/05/2016 18:50

How exactly did he flip over the house?

How exactly did he have a go at you about the wine? Was it for drinking all the wine, or or getting drunk or for your behaviour whilst drunk?

There is really not enough information to know if you Abu or if he is bu. As ever I suspect 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other.

As far as my reading goes you both have some growing up to do. He needs to stop treating you like a child (you'lloyds cut your finger on that screen.... you don't understand money etc) but you really really need to stop acting like one. If you don't like wine ffs say so and do not drink it. Certainly dont drink so much of something you dislike that you get drunk! If your screen gets broken get it fixed don't show off about how it is broken. If you are buying something find out the details before committing to it. And by buying I including "buying" a rent.

Your parents haven't done you any favours by absolving you of all financial responsibility. They can be just as generous and provide you with money but leave you to actually sort and make payment yourself. I mean even shared student houses have a damage deposit to pay (quite a hefty one from memory).

Sit down and talk to your fiance. Do not play the martyr when you do.

TheCrumpettyTree · 03/05/2016 18:51

Of course you can stop frittering money if you choose to. I wonder if he feels like you act like a child.

SolsburyHell · 03/05/2016 18:51

Don't marry him.

Yes, you sound young and naive but so what? The shouting, putting you down, making you question yourself, telling you off for things that he was involved in are all red flags. This will only get worse.

ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2016 18:52

It's called keeping you on the back foot.

It's occasionally tipping over into "I'm your dad and you're a thoughtless kid"

Maybe you are a thoughtless kid at times, but what he's doing is not on.

It's corrosive and you feel like you can't do right for doing wrong. You do what he suggests, and then he changes the rules so you're left looking stupid and selfish.

You need to start making some rules of your own here. Fast.

You need to get assertive and start pushing back.

Are all his "traps" to do with money?

Original poster

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:53

Nanunanu he went very quiet and then suddenly started shouting, I think I was saying something about it and he suddenly slammed his hand near me and shouted 'and who the f*ck will be paying for this then'.

TheCrumpetTree you are right, it's just a bad habit I have.

OP posts:

Original poster

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:55

I think I would say most are Elspeth yes.

I wasn't showing off my phone by the way, it was like aw, look what I did today, what an idiot.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 03/05/2016 18:55

Just testing to see if my posts are uploading .

FlyingScotsman · 03/05/2016 18:59

I'm wondering too if what you gave told us is what he tons you about your behaviour and what happens.

This feeling that he is keeping you on the back foot has been since your first post. It seems that some of your friends have noticed too.
You might want to fa e a chat with these friends about his behaviour s s look carefully about getting married. It's not right to have doubt the way you have

ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2016 19:00

You really have got to start grasping control of your own life.

You need to sit down and go through every bill and expense. You need to add them up. You need to see his monthly take home pay and yours. And you need to set up a fair system that means you are both contributing proportionally the same amount to outgoings.

You also need to both be proportionally saving.

You need to be the boss of you, cos if you're not it sounds like he will be. But he'll make you aware of it every time he pays for anything and it'll be chip chip chip away at you.

But nobody can make you feel like a child if you know full well you're a grown ass adult with your shit together. There's a lot of power in that knowledge.

Right now it sounds like you're shaping up to marry your Daddy. Get busy adulting!

Nanunanu · 03/05/2016 19:01

Cross posted. He shouldn't shout. That isn't an adult relationship. How did you respond?

Did you cry?

How did he respond to that?

I'm not goading but am interested in the power dynamic here. Certainly not an adult relationship the way you portray it.

AskingForAPal · 03/05/2016 19:05

"He suddenly slammed his hand near me and shouted 'and who the f*ck will be paying for this then'.

That is totally unacceptable! Surely you can see that, it must have been alarming so no wonder it's stuck with you. I can be sweary too but in the context of a flaming row is different from leaping from quiet discussion to random flashes of intimidating anger. Can't stand that.

I second postponing the wedding. Talk to your friends, reflect on your ability to live independently.

Say you've been together for 3 years, you may have met when you were around 20 and a student, he was 26. You have to ask yourself in those circumstances whether it's a genuinely equal partnership. Disclaimer In many cases I know it is, and that age gaps don't matter most of the time. But in a minority of cases I maintain that the older (usually male) partner has chosen this situation partly because they want to feel superior/want to lord it over a less experienced or powerful partner. Could it be that now you're more equal (or at least both employed) he's ramping things up to put you in your place?

RaspberryBeret34 · 03/05/2016 19:09

I agree that he is showing some red flags. He should not be shouting at you for any of those minor incidents. And asking/telling you to "go somehwere else" is n't right to me either. Where do you go when he says that?

I'd be having a serious think about things. Also, if you are paying all bills and food shopping, meals out and holidays, that could imo easily equate to more than £700 per month that he is paying on rent. I think I'd tally up some figures and work out exactly how much you are "frittering" (is that something he tells you?) and how much you are spending out on your joint expenses.

missbishi · 03/05/2016 19:13

I can only echo what Asking and Raspberry have said - this situation is not good. Please think very carefully before marrying this man, buying a house with him or indeed having any kids with him.

Nanunanu · 03/05/2016 19:13

Lots of cross posting happening.

No wonder you are still thinking about it nearly a year on. Yes you behaved thoughtlessly but his response was completely disproportionate. His behaviour over the wine controlling. And you are not in an equal relationship.

And he probably doesn't even see it. He will have justified it all in his head. After all he did support you through your training. He did move area and job for you. He is planning a wedding for you (it's never for us in this sort of person's head)

You both need time apart to become proper adults. If you don't, his controlling behaviour will only worsen.

diddl · 03/05/2016 19:14

"and he suddenly slammed his hand near me and shouted 'and who the f*ck will be paying for this then'."

Whilst looking at a place that he had decided to look at?

He sounds horrible.

5608Carrie · 03/05/2016 19:16

I think its possible there are red flags here. OP I would suggest you read up on emotional abuse and how it starts and if you think there are red flags in your relationship then get out while you can.

On the other hand I have lost count of how many times you have mentioned your Dad and what he paid for and if you are treating your partner like the bank of Daddy, I suggest he gets out now while he can.

Windsofwinter · 03/05/2016 19:17

I also don't think you should be offering to pay him back. He will, presumably, get the deposit back when you move again. I don't think that any reasonable man would begrudge rent he could clearly afford to pay in order that he and his future wife could move into their dream home, when you were soon to be employed. This makes me wonder whether the real issue was that he didn't want to move.

The rent/bills/food split sounds fairly reasonable; my fiancé pays the mortgage and most bills, I pay for all food and the childcare costs. He earns slightly more than I do.

If you are having genuine doubts about marrying him, I suggest you think long and hard before going through with it. Talk to your parents, friends. It could be that neither of you are really BU, you're just not a good match.

OliviaBenson · 03/05/2016 19:18

This reply has been deleted

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ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 19:25

OK if this is real and you really are meant to be marrying him this summer, then this is my advice. Move into another place and be independent for a few years. You are far too young to be thinking of tying yourself down to any man. This man doesn't sound nice, he doesn't sound kind and he sounds as though he bears a grudge. All of those things will lead to an unhappy marriage. For god's sake, don't you want more than this for yourself?

Original poster

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 19:33

Thank you for your answers. There is some really good advice here and Elspeth you have been really helpful, thanks.

OliviaBenson Im sorry I don't understand that one?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 19:37

What do your parents think of him? Are they coming to the wedding? What's his family like?

Original poster

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 19:46

Imperial, My dad hasn't really expressed that much of an opinion, they haven't met much so hard to say one way or the other really.

OP posts:

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