Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

[lulowvanbeethoven]

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?

I don't think that it's that odd to not know entirely what is involved in something that you haven't dealt with before.

I'm sure most people would realise that there's more to starting to rent than just slapping down £X per month, but maybe not quite how much more.

Look, I can't see anything wrong with your arrangement. People on MN seems to be counting the pennies all the time and checking who has spent what and when.
The way I lived with my bus and now DH is that we all paid whatever we could, esp as one/both of use were students with low income.
A situation like yours has been normal in my life. It did happen just before we got married with DH. I moved to be with him, I had no job, he paid for most of the things for a few months until I got a job.

What I am surprised at is that fact you are still thinking about it nearly a year later. It's like you are looking for reasons to be wrong in your assumption that he would support you and the move for the couple of months until you had a job. I'm not sure why as I would have done the same in a relationhsip where we were planning to get married anyway.
That leads me to think that actually there are other instances where he is putting you down like is or is in effect telling you y are worng and y are looking for reasons with this thread that yes he is right and you are not a nice person.

IF the rent and the amount to give to the state agency was too much for him in the first place, then he should have said so and I would have expected you to find a way around it together. Not saying anything but having a go like this is very PA. especially as clearly it was ok for him to do so any way. If his issue was for you to pay half, again, he should have said so too.

Which brings me to the next question. Are y able to communicate well or is it a case of him always having the upper hand?

So I didn't know about the fees and things, I'm guessing from people's reactions that's quite unusual

Yeah it is, tbh, but it still doesn't explain why your fiancé flipped out like that.

If he wasn't happy with the amount he assumed he'd be paying, he should have said "right, we need to discuss finances." Not: "right, I'll find a house for us to look round, then strop about feeling unappreciated when you say you like it." That's just weird behaviour.

Ok here's what I think might have happened:

OP trains as a teacher, while her boyfriend picks up most of the bills because he's older or at least already works. Either it's never discusses (taken for granted by OP) or he is fine with this and reassures her.

OP qualifies, wants to move. He is a bit narked because he's happily settled in the area, but decides he's willing to move to keep them living together.

OP finds a "perfect" house, which is affordable once they are both working but is maybe her idea of perfect rather than his (perhaps he'd prefer another area, somewhere cheaper, or just something different).

OP hassles him into going for it, not thinking initially that moving into her perfect house, in her chosen town, was going to cost a lot of money which will be picked up by him.

He goes FFS, I'm doing everything else you want and you won't even give me a fair say in the house. (OP might not think this but she's reminding me of a friend who thinks that if her boyfriend eventually gives into things, that they've both decided something and that's fair - rather than wondering whether he's truly happy with it.)

If that's more or less right, I can understand why he got peeved at the time (he's probably forgotten about it now!) and sort of why she feels like he was unreasonable - the extra months of rent were because his job started earlier, but the poor man could hardly help that.

OP, it's not whether MN think its the right thing to do, you should be making your own financial decisions. And you should be decideing whether it's the right thing to do.
I truly think it'd do you the world of good to live on your own for a while. Be responsible for yourself, have the pleasure of making your own decisions and the pride in being able to stand on your own two feet.

if people think this is the right thing to do

So if this thread hadn't suggested paying him back you wouldn't. Poor sod. I'm starting to think you live under a bridge.

Thank you PlymouthMaid that's good advice. I will do that.

It's not that I'm thinking about it loads and loads a year later. I think with the wedding coming up I sometimes have doubts (I know this is normal) and this is one of the times where I feel he's been maybe a bit unfair to me, but at the same time I've also been unfair but I feel like I got led into it, a bit.

My dad just paid directly for my rent at university, I never really had a chance to sort this myself so that's why I hadn't understood or known much about estate agents (I do now!)

OP he is a 'saver' I am guessing? That phone example is completely innocent, he thinks you should have made do for a few weeks with an old phone or back-up or borrowed but instead you paid extra to upgrade early. Not a big deal, but you realise now you owe him thousands...?

Are you worrying that he's a bit controlling about money?

It is a bit odd that he was up for it, looking for places, allowing you to carry on then snapping at you when he got the opportunity. As much as you should have discussed it with him, he should have made it clear what was happening too without snapping. This flip out, was it bad? What was the upshot of it?

OP finds a "perfect" house, which is affordable once they are both working but is maybe her idea of perfect rather than his (perhaps he'd prefer another area, somewhere cheaper, or just something different).

She's already said that he found the house.

FlyingScotsman, I think most of us do actually share money and we would pay for something if our partner couldn't afford it. I can't tell here whether the OP's fiancé believes she has an entitled, childish and dependent attitude as is fed up of this, or whether he actually just enjoys putting her in the wrong. Without knowing more about their relationship, it's hard to tell.

AskingFor - kind of, I mean, the basic gist of what you have written is correct, but the house was very affordable - I mean, he could have paid the rent just out of his salary and still had change equivalent to my monthly salary, so it honestly wasn't break-the-bank sort of flat on Mayfair thing.

Like I say when I was studying I lived with him just for one year and I did pay for groceries, do the housework, cooking ... I think because he was living there anyway it confused matters.

However your post has made me stop and see things from his point of view and I suppose I have behaved very unreasonably.

Also tbh if you're on a relatively low wage which I presume you are if you've only been working a year, the sensible thing would have been to go to one of those random phone shops that are usually called "Fonez" or similar, and gotten your screen fixed for very little.

If the upgrade cost you money then yeah, it was a waste of money as your existing phone was fine other than the screen. Just cos you're due one doesn't mean you take it. Not if you're on a budget and have thousands to pay back.

I suspect he may be a little tired with how blasé you are about finances tbh. Have you managed to save anything per month this year or does your remainder just seem to evaporate?

It was a cross post 53rd. But she hasn't said whether he wasn't as keen on it as she was (and just because he organised the viewing - the whole point of the viewing is to see WHETHER you like it).

"I feel he's been maybe a bit unfair to me, but at the same time I've also been unfair but I feel like I got led into it, a bit."

I don't think you necessarily sound like a rich person who doesn't care about money etc, but you do sound like you've fallen straight from your finances being handled entirely by one man (your dad) to another (your fiance). This consequently makes you seem quite young for your age, but - as with all things independence - you should WANT to do things or at least understand them for yourself. Not have to be forced into it.

I did ask about getting it fixed, but the cost of this was about the same as the upgrade which is why I decided to do this.

The remainder does evaporate

Oh and what is he paying for the wedding as opposed to you paying?

or your Dad?

Like other have said, it's impossible from your posts to work out really whether he is a dick who does get a kick out of being stingy or proving you wrong, or whether he's a reasonable man who occasionally gets a bit huffy then gets over it.

Clearly you've got an instinct telling you something's up. But do you think maybe you're just very sensitive to criticism - the fact that you might have been wrong a year ago is still bothering you for example? Or do you worry about how he'll treat you given the power difference due to the income difference?

Have you discussed what happens with your finances after you get married?

How much does he earn compared to you?

It's really majorly low-key, Elspeth, it's totally the opposite of a massive do.

OP you says he has a habit of making you feel in the wrong, that's not good. And also that he can sudden

Well look, you're not the first person to evaporate their remainder.

However people learn pretty quickly that the only way forward is to set up a monthly standing order to a savings account. Or to your joint account if you have one.

You're working as a teacher - you can't just let him shoulder the burden of savings. It's really bad.

53rd it's more than double what I take home. He's been working longer though of course and his is a higher paid field anyway.

AskingFor, it could be that I'm being a bit over sensitive. It's often money but sometimes other things, like we went to a restaurant once with friends and he bought a bottle of wine even though I was OK with mineral water (I don't really drink much) and I got quite drunk and then he had a go at me about that but it was him who bought the wine.

I suppose I didn't have to drink it, though.

You're so, so right Elspeth and honestly I beat myself up about it every month. I really need to get organised.

OP, you said he has a habit of making you feel in the wrong and also of suddenly exploding at you. Those are worrying habits and you need to consider whether some pre marital counselling would be a good idea.

Also I think he could have used his words when you said "look how lovely" instead of exploding he could have said
"It's great babe but you're not going to be earning until September, so I've got to cover 3 months of rent and the deposit on just my salary, can you help out from your savings?"

It was a bit naive of you not to know this and to be honest I'm worried about you going from your dad's care to your husband's but communication is key. Why didn't he talk to you instead of just exploding?

I find some the posts saying pay him back very odd. Surely if he is your fiancée the money can be seen as joint money? Are your finances not joint? It's not an insignificant amount of money but surely the opportunity cost of him spending that money on your house will be felt by both of you not just him. He also needed somewhere to live so you both benefited. Will he be paying your father back when he helps you out with the deposit for the house you buy?

Given that he is a good few years older than you he should have just manned up and said if felt you were ungrateful, at least he would have given you the opportunity to apologise or explain yourself.

To me this doesn't bode well. The person you are planning to spend the rest of your life with shouldn't be making you feel bad. A serious conversation is needed about communication. Better to find out if you can tackle this thorny issue calmly before you get married.