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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

265 replies

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 16:24

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me Sad saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?Sad

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 04/05/2016 18:07

Have you paid him back Then?

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 04/05/2016 18:09

It wasn't a loan, I did actually ask him last night if he wanted it back and he looked at me like this, Hmm

There is honestly no need to keep giving me a hard time over this, it was my relationship I wanted help with, just telling me I should have known something twelve months ago isn't helpful now.

OP posts:
OrangesandLemonsNow · 04/05/2016 18:14

Having decided to move, I was naïve about the costs yes

You need to sit down and work through all the costs together.

You say you are independent and I don't mean to be harsh, but some of your replies show that you aren't.

KayTee87 · 04/05/2016 18:20

Should my husband pay me back the deposit I paid on a place we rented a few years ago before buying and getting married? We weren't even engaged at the time Hmm
I think if there was no expectation that the op would pay her fiancé back then continuing to ask her about it when she's already said it wasn't a loan and he didn't expect it back is kind of missing the point.
Everyone has to learn about rent / mortgage / bills at some point in their life and op started learning a year ago - I don't know why people are berating her for it tbh.

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 04/05/2016 18:22

I don't agree that not knowing something I had previously not had any experience of makes me dependent or like a child, it just means I didn't know much about it while my partner did, as he'd done it before, but anyway thanks for giving me your view.

OP posts:
Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 04/05/2016 18:25

OP I don't think you were being massively unreasonable as in your mind you fully intended to contribute. But I can also understand why your OH felt taken for granted.

So if he's not asking for it back the best way forward is to let him know how much you appreciate his supporting you during that time and to let him know that you'll be happy to do the same for him one day.

NameChange30 · 04/05/2016 18:33

OP, you would get much more helpful replies if you posted in Relationships. A lot of people on AIBU don't bother to RTFT (or just the OP's posts) and seem to enjoy criticising the OP as much as possible. Obviously the Relationships board isn't immune but it's nowhere near as bad.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 04/05/2016 18:35

I know AnotherEmma! Why is everyone so mean on AIBU?! If someone is asking a genuine question and is willing to take on board criticisms (which the OP is) then there is just no need for nastiness.

GlindatheFairy · 04/05/2016 18:37

Exactly KayTee. This is how long term relationships often work. I wonder if other people are totting up little balance sheets at the end of the week. "You owe me 7p, dear."

"Ah, but I bought some milk today. You now owe me £1.70."

DH pays less into the joint account as he earns less than me. At one point it was the other way round. Perhaps he should be asking me for the cost of my engagement ring or when he supported me financially while I was on mat leave. Twice.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 04/05/2016 18:42

Actually I think the replies would be similar in relationships

dowhatnow · 04/05/2016 18:59

Please don't be so apologetic. You seem so keen on not upsetting the posters who are being harsh. Are you a people pleaser? Does he take advantage of you?

TBH the impression I am getting is that he is quite controlling. You never know whether you are going to get his nice gentle side or the not so nice side. This sounds as if it is your first serious relationship and you are not sure where the boundaries are in a healthy relationship. What was your parents marriage like? Does your Dad make the decisions and your Mum not challenge him often?

I think your gut feeling is that something isn't right. I think you should trust that gut feeling. You should not be dwelling on a conversation that happened almost a year ago.

Please answer the questions about your parenets relationship and then I'll think of more to say.

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 04/05/2016 19:17

I don't really know what to say about my parents relationship, I don't think so?

Will post in relationships some time, as I don't really know what to say right now.

OP posts:
Gwlondon · 04/05/2016 21:24

What might help is imagining the future. Imagine you had a child and your partner behaved in the same way to your child. If you think he would be out of order than you have your answer. Good luck.

parris · 04/05/2016 23:26

I know you said you don't want to split with him. I can understand this because it would be your whole life turned upside down, not just the relationship ending. Buuuut that's not to say you shouldn't do it. He may be nice some or a lot of the time but that doesn't outweigh his abusive behaviour, swearing and slamming his hand down at you. Ask your friends' honest opinions of him and be prepared to take their advice or risk his behaviour continuing/getting worse. It's easier than you think to start over. Ps I think it's quite reasonable not to know about renting if you haven't done it before.

craftwhore · 09/05/2016 00:32

Darling OP, I'm a little late to this, but I have to add one more voice to what you've been advised, and feel you deserve some kindness.

There may be things you don't know yet in life, and anyone who loves you would be kind enough to explain these to you ~with love~. I feel like you're always apologising, certainly at least on this thread. These things together are not good for you.

I can't emphasise enough how much I agree with all of the posters who have picked out the red flags in all that you've said. I see them too. Please, please, take the wealth of experience here on board and reconsider your relationship. Please do not marry him. Please do not let your feeling indebted to him, or your not knowing how to extricate yourself, allow you to be led into a marriage similar to the relationship you currently have.

Speak to your dad about your concerns if you think he will process them. If perhaps not, certainly ask him if he would help you move out.

I think you're asking about this incident from a while ago because although you're getting the feeling that you're doing things wrong all the time now from your fiance, this is the only thing that you haven't been persuaded out of thinking is not right. That seens to me that you're in an emotionally abusive relationship where you have to question yourself all the time.

The insidious danger of emotional abuse is that you can't easily see it's happening until you've got free and gained a wider perspective on what was happening.

Do not let this get as far as marriage!

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