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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

265 replies

lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 16:24

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me Sad saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?Sad

OP posts:
AskingForAPal · 03/05/2016 18:10

That's the thing, isn't it? You need to take a bit more responsibility for your own choices. You've clearly been very protected from this because of your upbringing, and the fact that he took over where your parents left off - but really, things like how much you drink AREN'T someone else's fault.

Unless someone is e.g. buying you doubles when you've asked for singles (and I've had this happen! It was horrible) or heavily pressuring you (in a situation e.g. work drinks where it seems rude to say no) it's your hand carrying your drink to your face.

Sometimes I jokily blame people who've bought me drinks, but if I've agreed to have them, it's down to me. Who else, really?

cbear000 · 03/05/2016 18:10

I think you are being over-sensitive. Who cares if he bought the wine.
You should definitely have the money talk, decide if you are doing joint accounts etc (maybe not, sounds like you should transfer him expenses for the month then spend the rest after putting savings away in your own account otherwise he will start tracking where the joint funds go if you spend it)
Good luck, have a chat with him and hope you work it out and be happy!

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 18:10

Are you marrying soon? If you were my daughter (I have children around your age) I would suggest putting off a wedding for a few years and living alone or with girlfriends for a while. I don't think you can say with 100% certainty that the marriage will work out and you can waste a lot of your valuable twenties with the wrong person.

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 18:11

How are you splitting up joint costs like rent/bills/food now? Have you had a proper discussion about fair ways to do that?

cbear000 · 03/05/2016 18:13

And yes, maybe a longer engagement is a good idea if wedding isn't too planned already...

ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2016 18:13

You can set it up online! It shouldn't be the same amount as him if he's earning double obvs. But it would show maturity.

The wine thing would have pissed me off tbh. There's only 4 glasses of wine in a bottle the way I pour.

If you were pissed it means he had hardly any! Yeah, I'd have been a bit narked. I'd have said "well I'm clearly making short work of this one, lol, so I'll order another"

ElspethFlashman · 03/05/2016 18:14

*I mean if I were the one taking my partners wine.

ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 18:14

So he has a go at you after he's sort of set you up in a situation where you can't win. It could be he's taking advantage of your lack of worldly knowledge. It could be you're taking the piss. But the fact you're sorry and considering your reasonableness suggests you're not a pisstaker, just a bit less worldly wise than him. I would take a step back from the wedding and have a good look at this relationship. Whoever is right or wrong, having a go at you often is not right imo. Couples should discuss things, not get angry or 'flip' out.

CoolforKittyCats · 03/05/2016 18:16

and I got quite drunk and then he had a go at me about that but it was him who bought the wine

It was you that drunk it.

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:17

Elspeth I actually hate wine Grin so I drank it quite fast so I didn't really have to taste it! I thought I'd have the one just to be sociable but then he said something like 'knew you'd like this wine' and topped my glass up.

I think I had three glasses? but I don't drink much so I did get tipsy and I know I was talking a lot and probably being a bit annoying.

53rd At the moment, the rent does come out of his account. I pay all bills, groceries, I also usually pay for e.g. if we have a meal, I pay for holidays and stuff. We are opening the joint account next week, I think this also made me think about this incident which I know is a bit stupid.

OP posts:
DrunkenMissOrderly · 03/05/2016 18:19

Oh for gods sake take some responsibility for yourself!

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 18:21

We have a joint account that all joint expenses come out of, and we each pay a chunk into it monthly, proportionate on income (so the one that earns slightly more puts in slightly more, iyswim - it's not 50/50)

It sounds like your fiancé is maybe not great at communicating his feelings and expectations around money? (Assuming he's not just a controlling arse who likes to keep you off-balance, that is...) In which case it's even more important that you have some very clear, explicit conversations about how finances are going to work. You can't go through a marriage always half-wondering if he's silently resenting you for something he's not communicated.

Canters15 · 03/05/2016 18:23

Look, op, you do sound quite young and naive at times but I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here.

You're engaged to this man. Engaged. He's going to be your husband. He obviously proposed to you when you were a student, so it can't have been a big shock for him that you didn't exactly have spare money floating around.

From the minute my husband and I got engaged we started treating all income as joint income. To be honest we didn't really fuss about who paid for what before hand, but the proposal was the turning point for us. I earn significantly less then my husband so he really has got the poor end of the deal here, but he's an incredibly generous man and it would never occur to him to feel hard done by- in his words he works hard so we can enjoy life together.

The only way I can rationalise this situation is to assume you somehow railroaded your fiancé into moving to a place he didn't want to live, and that's why he was annoyed. But it doesn't really sound like that's what happened.

As for the alcohol thing- my husband has driven me home with frequent vomit stops and put me to bed in the past! I'm sure his patience would rapidly wear thin if I had behaved like that every week but I think most people slip up and have a bit more then they can handle once or twice in their lives.

I think this thread is about far more then a couple of cross words. If you have any doubt about your marriage then do not go ahead- take it from someone who was divorced at 24 Blush needless to say the sainted husband referred to above is my second one

ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 18:24

It's not stupid. Trust your instincts. What does he do when he flips out? He shouldn't have a pop at you for getting a tipsy and talking too much. Getting pissed and puking on the carpet calls for a 'what's going on, why are you drinking so much?' convo but not drinking 3 glasses and chatting a bit too much.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 18:32

He's getting away lightly if he's just paying the rent. It's a fixed sum, so he knows exactly how much he'll have left. You, on the other hand, pay all the bills that vary - the food, meals out, electricity etc. Really, you don't know exactly how much you'll have left. And then he earns twice what you do, too, so the rent is very affordable to him.

I have to say I don't like the sound of him and think you should hold back the wedding. When is it meant to happen?

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:34

He shouts, and he has a habit of bringing up other stuff which he sometimes takes out of context a little bit (or I think so) and he sometimes tells me to go somewhere else for a bit.

I think sometimes, it's like this. During my year teacher training I had a small income from the course and to be honest a lot went on fuel and my car but every month I offered him something. He kept saying no, no, don't be silly, as if I'm going to take money off you when you earn hardly anything.

Then shouted at me for not offering money

I know that's not quite how things are but sometimes it feels a bit like that.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 18:35

xpost canters

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:35

This summer Imperial

I don't want to split with him, but I'm a bit worried about this side of him.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 18:37

Also, I'd ignore the earlier advice you got in this thread that you should pay him back 50% of all costs from before you were earning. That is not reasonable when you're earning less than half what he does. (And I think it'd be unreasonable anyway given that you weren't employed and he was, but apparently I am in an MN minority on this or something.)

53rdAndBird · 03/05/2016 18:39

*He kept saying no, no, don't be silly, as if I'm going to take money off you when you earn hardly anything.

Then shouted at me for not offering money*

I think you should reconsider this marriage.

RaeSkywalker · 03/05/2016 18:42

I'm really sorry, but I wouldn't marry someone I was having doubts like this about. Can you postpone the wedding?

Money is really tricky to manage in situations like this. It worries me that he's so territorial about it. What will you do if you have children and take maternity leave? Will he be defensive of 'his' money when you're caring for his child?

ricketytickety · 03/05/2016 18:42

Right, from what you've said there is no justification for a man to be shouting at you and asking you to leave. That level of anger is acceptable only if something unkind has been done eg. cheating or stealing and even then only in response to nastiness.

Don't blame yourself for his anger issues. It sounds to me like he is setting you up to have a go later on. That's his fault. And don't think you can help/change him. Only he can do that and only if it benefits him somehow.

Goingtobeawesome · 03/05/2016 18:44

You'd be a fool to marry him and as a pp has said, take responsibility for yourself.

Why the fuck are you drinking wine at all when you don't like it? Hmm

Original poster
lulowvanbeethoven · 03/05/2016 18:45

Normally he is not at all territorial about it and he is mostly very generous which is why I thought maybe I had taken him for granted.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 03/05/2016 18:46

You sound hugely frustrating and about 16.

You need to take some financial responsibility for yourself. And pay him back for half the moving costs asap.

He pays the rent and you slay some bills and fritter the rest of your money away? You save nothing? And you're getting married soon?

Who are you expecting to cough up for the wedding? Even small ones cost thousands.

You need to get your head out of the clouds.