Was my fiance being unreasonable, or me?

[lulowvanbeethoven]

A little while ago, I got a new job. I am a teacher so this did not start until the September. It was a different area of the country to the one we were living in, he wasn't thrilled with moving but was OK with it.

He got a new job, didn't take long, and his job started August so we moved beginning of July.

Anyway here is the unreasonable part - so we found a really nice house for rent, £700 p/m (more than affordable) in a gorgeous location, near the river. I said something like "oh I think it is perfect, don't you?"

He flipped at me saying that he had to pay for estate agents fees, deposit, rent for July August and September and I took him for granted.

Do you think I did?

Well, as you presumably now realise, private renting isn't just a case of finding the perfect place. There's a load of admin fees and deposit to think about.

So I understand why he was pissed off (especially since it was you leading the change of location) if it came across that you thought it would all just magically fall into place once you found somewhere you liked. But why is it still an issue now and what is this 'other stuff' ??

:) Sandy I hope so too, sorry again about that!

Chipped not exactly, I mean, if I was single, I wouldn't be looking at living in houses with a partner so would probably be looking at house shares which I think usually are cheaper and don't require such a big deposit.

I suppose I was unreasonable, but it was definitely not done deliberately and if he'd just said "hang on, you do realise that's a total of £3000" or whatever, I would have been less gushing about it all but I was just a bit excited I suppose.

No offence but you don't sound mature enough for a marriage and feeling like you're always going to be in the wrong isn't a good basis for a genuine, solid, loving relationship.

So it's his fault he didn't do the sums for you????

Jesus wept.

OP, is there an age difference between you and your fiancé?

I don't mean to be rude- I'm curious- have you had quite a privileged upbringing?

I find it a bit odd that you don't realise these things actually require a fair bit of capital from the off.

OP let it go I think I need to take my own advice

He's never gonna see that money back, is he....

I had never done renting through an estate agent prior to this, was all I meant, I didn't mean anything bad by it but naively I just thought you paid the rent and that was it.

I now understand this was stupid.

Gizelda I think it's an issue now as it's sort of the most concrete example I can come up with where I feel he's pushed me into being wrong.

Like, with this example, he was fine with moving (I know I said reluctant but he sort of made a face, it's a lot of faff, oh but yeah, why not) he said "well we had better find a place to live then!" and he arranged viewing these properties and then got narky with me for saying I loved one of them.

This is so petty but a couple of weeks ago I dropped my phone and the screen shattered. He was all concerned and said well you can't use that, you'll cut your finger! I am due an upgrade in June so I decided to just upgrade a bit early. Then he got a tiny bit narky about that. Saying it was a waste of money, and stuff, but I think if I'd carried on using the broken phone that would be wrong too.

Not that someone with a privileged upbringing is automatically clueless about costs of things, I don't mean that. But you don't sound like you've had to worry about paying for things in the past. Of course a private rental would require a deposit. If he knew you didn't have it, the resentment that it would just come from him so you can move to your city of choice for your new job probably built up a bit.

This reminds me of the teacher who posted something along the lines that despite having a car, she didn't know how much petrol cost, and was that really what those numbers on the big signs at the petrol station meant?!

Threads like these make me think thank fuck that people can home educate

Assuming that this financial thing is still bugging him and also affecting you and your relationship, why not just sit him down and explain how grateful you are to him for, firstly, moving jiobs for you and, secondly, subbing you when you were not earning much. Then... Tell him that you have a plan to pay him back half of the costs he paid as it is only fair and you are sorry you didn't do it before.

Wherever you've lived, you've had to pay a deposit. Every student hall will demand a deposit. Surely you knew that? And when your fiancé was talking about the month's rent in advance, the month's deposit etc, surely you thought about where that was coming from? You are a teacher - you must be at least 23 now. You can't depend on other people all of your life and you need to pay him back.

Are you paying your fair share of everything, rent, bills, food, etc now?

How old are you?

I think you should live alone for a while. Fend for youself. Grow up a little. Then maybe think about a long term relationship.

Ah equal relationship.

he said "well we had better find a place to live then!" and he arranged viewing these properties and then got narky with me for saying I loved one of them.

He arranged to view it, and then got huffy at you for saying you loved it?

That is unreasonable, yeah.

I just didn't understand private renting and how it worked.

Sorry but that is just a poor excuse.

*an equal relationship.

Oh no Elspeth totally my fault, I just feel like even though it was my fault it was a bit of an overreaction from him. I have to admit I did not think maybe how it looked to him, I will talk to him about this when he gets in.

There is a bit of an age gap - not loads. 6 years.

MadHatters I guess in some ways yes, I just went to university at 18 and didn't private rent then, it was halls then a student house. And my dad paid for this. So I didn't know about the fees and things, I'm guessing from people's reactions that's quite unusual so I think maybe that's why he got angry.

Why are you with someone who takes pleasure in putting you down and questioning your choices?

What are you paying towards now?

Does your dad own a nut factory by any chance?

53rd yes, that was pretty much what happened.

Chic, definitely, I know it maybe sounds bad but this wasn't the intention. He sometimes says not to because he does earn more, but I do insist.

Then, having read later plosts maybe think about how your attitudes towards money may differ from your boyfriends as huge different es can cause friction. He sounds sensible whereas maybe you do not shop around as the phone thing maybe I!lustrates. If you are going to marry you need to adapt to each other a little and be on the same page with joint finances.

Walter if you mean like that girl from Charlie and the chocolate factory, no, I don't insist I get a lot of chocolate bars any wrongdoing on my part has been unintentional but I do understand this isn't an excuse.

I will speak to him tonight and work out to pay him back for July, August, September, if people think this is the right thing to do, and sorry again for confusing post.